Sometimes I just have to remind myself I am not

It is 8:30. I have not awaken at this hour in a while. Seeing as how there was a phone to wake me up today, instead of waking up on my own, it is a different feeling than had waking up yesterday with even four and a half hours of sleep. I do remember having a rather strange dream. Had my grandma not called, a memory of it in more specific detail may be in place, but none but the lingering feeling of strange crosses the brain. My grandma informs me she has been calling every half an hour since six this morning. I found myself almost happy that she had only just gotten ahold of me.

I have no memory of what was being done last night before sleep came. There is no memory of making a point to go to sleep, or ending everything to go to sleep. Sadly printing papers and getting ready for the day calls.

Question of the month:

What's your question? :-)

I don't want this post to be long, but I cannot make any promises. I will be leaving Saturday and am giving my computer to Brandi, so she can work on summer assignments while I am gone, tomorrow morning some time before she leaves on a camping trip. Who knows, I may find myself getting rather close to the library in the next two days...at least to check my email for DFA updates. Being gone with no computer is one thing, but being home is very different... I might have to buy another book.

I must say I was pleasantly surprised with the Kutless album. It is filled to the brim with great worship songs. Some of them are songs that I either have only okay versions of, or do not have at all, that made me happy. I know there is a possibility of me overplaying the two top songs on Nichole and Krystal's albums.

Thinking about the trip ahead of me, parrallels quite nicely to the dizzy feeling that passed not too long ago. My feelings are in a whirl, and I do not know which are up and which are down. They are all equally pushed into one tight twist, spinning at a rapid pace so as not to let me make any one clear, not seeing much of where one starts and the other ends. I have no worry in that though, for my God has promised good. His glory will be evident in this trip, for that is its purpose. I have a bright dream in my heart for change and impact.

One thing that stood out to me last night for the first time is that God is softening my heart. I can now see a purpose, a change, and a general end point of things. The softening is preparation for what is to come in my life. I know it will take time, but I know the end is good, and I am thankful for His patience.

My heart was crushed to hear of your response.
I will not contact you again.
Now with a new heart, I ask my Father if you know Him.
What is it that really happened when I sent that letter?
I know He had a plan, did I follow it?
Am I never to connect with you again,
Or is the side of my heart that tells me to say a simple, "I'm sorry,"
Something from my Father, and not of a fool?
I shall surrender to Him, and wait for His instruction.
For He is wise.
He knows you, and if we are to meet in heaven alone,
Only He knows.
I will pray,
Into my Father's light from my darkness
That if he has not adopted yet another beautiful child
That you could be next.

Well, I spent some money today. I think it was a good way to spend the money though. I ended the day with five CD's, including one that was free, three books, one trowel, one pair of gardening gloves, ten rolls of film, and a happy me filled with two scoops of ice cream: chocolate brownie and cookies & cream. Each CD has a song that I have heard before, and have been moved by. I was happy to cut down my list of wanted CDs by half, and supply myself with music that will help me through the trip to Africa and days to come. I decided against purchasing the next book in a series I have been reading through, backwards at that... because I realized that it wasn't the type of book that would be great to take on a trip like this. It isn't just a camping trip, and though I know I will not be able to read some books I have that were recommended by my professors, I knew I couldn't bring straight Fiction.

So, instead I purchased two books that I found to be in the middle, or at least in my range of books my mind will take in: Keeping a Princess Heart: In a Not-So-Fairy-Tale World by Nicole Johnson, and a book that I believe Gina has read in the recent past, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John & Stasi Eldredge.

The CDs that I am currently adding to my collection are: Bebo Norman : Try; Nichole Nordeman : Brave; Kutless : Strong Tower; Krystal Meyers : (not sure of the album title); and the 2005 Simply Great Music album.

Want to know a wish of mine that I have had for quite some time now? My wish is to remove the word "I" from my vocabulary. At least my common use vocabulary. The wish includes the use of "My" and "Me" when not referring to gratitude I have for someone else.

**Underlying wish:
To feel okay with ending my internal struggle with being selfish, because even if people tell me I am not, I feel that reminding myelf that is being *dangerously* uplifting, for lack of better words. Because I even find this post to be selfish.

On, for once, a connected note: I wonder how many people struggle with being humble, and not bashing themselves at the same time.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

It has been a while, I think that is good though. I was going crazy, as noted in previous post(s), and now I am much better as far as I can tell.

Most of Friday and all of Saturday was spent preparing for/enjoying my Uncle's wedding. Friday we set up all of the tables, chairs, and hanging lanterns for the reception. I was already a bit tired by then, but went back out that night to get a list of things that needed to be done, and spend the night two doors down at my grandma's so I could get up early and go right to work. I went to bed around 2am, because I did a lot of winding down, getting ready for the next day so I wouldn't have to get ready as much then, and reading. I was glad I did, because I was privilaged to have my uncle come and talk to me the way he did, and to overhear him talking to his brother-in-law (my other uncle of course), about deeper things that I have never heard him talk about before. I ended up waking around 6:45, and found it was freezing! By 8, a very very very helpful friend whom I have not spoken to since I graduated, and he just recently graduated this year, arrived and we both set out to get to work. Thank you ever so much Daniel!!!! Not that you will ever read this, but I am so thankful for your willingness to come, regardless of how awkward it was. I was so excited to have him there, his attitude and way of going about things is so great. As he said, I would do it for him-no second thoughts about it.

To move on, we got all of the table cloths, wine glasses, and napkins set out by the time he had to leave, just as Brandi, (who had helped out big time the night before as well, thank you thank you thankkkkkkk yoooouuuu!) arrived. *God's perfect timing. Brandi and I continued to work throughout the day and as the time for the wedding at the church approached, I made the decision that I was going to stay there and make sure that everything was set and ready to go and ask my grandma to watch Katy (one of the three flower girls, my uncle-the one who got married's daughter *almost 3, who I was in charge of for the day), and shared my decision with her.

You see, as I thought about it, I realized I had seen all that I needed to see at the rehersal. They are in love with each other, they are taking a step in the right direction, and my uncle revealed a deeper side to him that I always had a feeling was there.

So, with that said, Brandi stayed to help until it was time for me to get dressed for the reception. Being the system-oriented person I am, I found it hard to relinquish my reception-set up and keep up-duties, and hand them over to the staff when they arrived for the night, but I did, and took over my position as mom on hand for Katy, Katy-watch as I called it, for the rest of the night. Brandi surprised me by arriving at the reception later that evening, and what a wonderful surprise that I am so thankful for it was! I was so happy to see her. What adventures I had with Katy and the girls that stuck to her side like something both stretchy and sticky. Dinner was a wonder, she spilled a few things down her dress, luckily they were not too colored or noticible, and had a bit of a mess going, but all was great and under control. I loved it when both her and a friend around the same age decided to drink their juice boxes out of the champaigne glasses, and her friend looked to her and said, "Cheers," and they clicked glasses. The night was filled with a little over twelve small children slipping and slidding,running around and around the dance floor. By the time Brandi arrived, they were all seated on the dance floor spilling their bags of candy out to find what they liked as the toasts were made, and when dancing kicked in again, Brandi and I found ourselves with the two younger flower girls (Katy and Jasmine) in our arms, dancing the night away. It was around then, when I put Katy down for a bit, that I found Jenn (the bride) returning her to me, as she was done dancing with her and it was my job to keep her occupied and away from her. (It sounds much worse than it really was, but as I pulled Katy away from her mom, walked her to a house next door, and kept her from leaving, I realized how hard and messed up things are when children are born before the parents are married.) Katy cried for ten-fifteen minutes non stop for her mother, and I couldn't let her go. I began to cry as I prayed to God to help her. She inched her way into my lap and told me that her mommy loved her, I blew cool air on her as she began to, at last, fall asleep in my arms.

I realized learned a lot about love that night, and a bit the day before, as I walked ever so slowly back to my grandma's house with her in my arms. I made a list, most tying in with memories from the reception, but some from thoughts stemming from the making of the list:

Love is...
Love is working hard on the little things
Love is caressing The Other's hand when it's only the rehersal
Love is saying the words one somehow fears the most
Love is taking that first step as husband and wife, and never turning back
Love is facing your fears and sharing your words for those you love
Love is never ceasing to look at each other when everyone else is looking at you
Love is stealing kisses before the dance is over
Love is sharing a laugh together, over and over again
Love is never ceasing your tears for the one you love when the one you love cannot be there to hold you
Love is giving, it is never wanting, except for the best for one another
Love is good times...and bad
Love is supporting, even if everyone else is against
Love is accepting the good with the bad, knowing the difference between the two, and encouraging change and growth.
And words of wisdom inspired by our Father
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. ~1 Cor. 13:4-8

I am a bit tired, more sore, but as I listen to music, I find once again the impact it has on me is indescribible. I find the overwhelming urge to fall into my Father's arms and allow Him to hold me tight. I went to church and they had a few elders come up and pray for my trip to Africa. My dad went with me today, I was happy, and I think he was too. God is working in his life, and it is very clear. He came up front as they prayed for me. We then went to my grandma's for breakfast-really almost a late lunch haha, but good times and happy days. I came home to sleep, and here I am, over an hour into writing this post.

Did you know that being bold is contageous (sp?)? If you take the chance to be bold, those that see it will find that they are more easily able to find it within them to step out as well. Trust that if you are doing the right thing, and you feel like you are the only one, you won't be for long.

I am off, because feeling and being in love like this leaves me with wanting to stop sitting, and move...run. Night all-and may you see God's love today.

Maybe we should pull our money together and build a retirement home for the lobby crew...what do you think Friend?

I woke up at 5:30 this morning. I went back to sleep...and woke up at 5:38. Around six hours of sleep and my body wanted no more.

I have had things running through my head since yesterday morning, but I couldn't write about them. What may have been fear or claustrophobia, swept over me and made it difficult for me to live inside my head last night, that is the only reason I did not stay online last night and instead went to sleep. I find that "living inside my head" includes posting, reading, writing, and simply thinking. Though some comments are made on blogs, it is less response than I would get in an aim conversation or email, in all cases I am merely writing what is in my head-besides laughing during aim conversations, there is no verbal communication. All this to say, it was hard for me to do that last night, and the feeling still lingers in my mind today as I continue to string words together in my mind.

Yesterday, as I drove past a friend's house for the upteenth time, I thought about the fact that he is driving now, and hardly stays home any more. My mind shifted to another friend, who got her license and began to shift away from what had become normal activities. I looked at myself, and, though I have always gone out, I believe I began to do a lot more of it when I got a car. Obviously driving gives one more opportunity, more freedom, and more responsibility. It seems like it marks something a bit deeper though, it marks the furthering of separation from parents, the furthering of independence. No longer is the child in need of the parent's taxi services, which there by means the child is no longer in need of the parent's accompaniment. The child is now able to make more decisions on what he/she wants to do. For example, the female friend mentioned above, was pushed to go to church with her family all of her life; when she began to drive, however, she stopped going with her family. The male friend mentioned above, no longer needs his mother to take him to events, or to rely on her to pick him up. With the responsibility part of driving, besides the obvious, the parents are now able to rely on the child to help out more. Along with picking up or taxiing siblings, the child is also employed to run errands or help out at the family business across town. Though responsibility ties the child to the home, the driver's license loosens the grip.

What is it with Americans believing we are so ready to leave the home? Is it the broken society? The average broken home?

A piece of honesty:
I have been thinking about the discussions that have gone on about Codes of Honor, Christian Masculinity, Chivalry, and similar things with myself, Jason, Curtis, and Matt, (Look I did a link! Now, did I do it right?) in combination with reading the book I am currently into and evaluating my interactions with people, and I have found that my thoughts on male/female relationships have drawn me away from focus on the female/female relationships in my life. I have begun to contrast and spend more time focusing on developing the right heart to have with people like my dad, and if any, minimal time focusing on developing the right heart to have with people like Brandi. The time was/is well spent, as I find that my relationship with my dad, as I learn to honor and respect him, has grown to be a wonderful and uplifting one, but I have found that in turn, with such focus on male/female relationships coming from the discussions and the book, I have mistakenly turned away, or shifted heavily, my focus on developing my other relationships. I have found myself troubled when coming to this realization. So, to turn it around, and restore the balance, I am going to slow down the reading of my book, it is nothing against the book, as in reality it is a book towards developing something rather important, femininity, but I think reading it with less speed will not only help me spend a bit less time focused in the direction the book is leading, but will also help me think more thoroughly about the content. Also, I plan on attempting to just be more aware of how I am and developing with friends, people like Brandi. I love being a female, and I love sharing that experience with other females, and learn how to genuinly become a better person.

The real scoop:
If there is one thing, and there is many more than one, that I have learned while at Biola, it is the importance of male/male and female/female relationships. My own experiences on top of listening to others has helped me to appreciate and focus on developing such relationships myself, and encourage others to do the same. There are things that can be given in those relationships that cannot come by any other.

They are cute, no? Honestly, I do not think I have much to write about, I am going today with Brandi so she can turn in applications. I woke up a little after nine today, well decided to get out of bed, it was nice. I had some strange dreams, almost making me feel as though I was in high school attending a college seminar on some book. Then I was cleaning up the area and picking up some really small, extra-tiny Christmas decorations-hardly the size of my pinky nail, but in perfect condition and detail, all the while holding every single thing I picked up in one hand-big or small without dropping a thing, pretty impressive. Okay so anyway, sorry to waste some time of yours-I am out. My next post will be thoughful and of meaning, promise. Now that I promise, I may not post for a while, but I will live up to that promise. :-). Have a great day!

Well, today I arose from my bed at 10, for the second or third time this week. It is nice, and I am not getting more than 9 hours of sleep, but yeah...I feel a bit lazy. Eh. I began to write letters and in the end, I wrote 12. Some of you may be receiving some mail this week. I have two more I want to write. One, I am in the process of thinking of what I want to say, and the other, I am sort of waiting for a reply to the one I already sent. So, with that done, I began to make a card for my granny's birthday. That was fun, glue is sticky though, almost as sticky as frozen yogurt from the carton at 10:30pm on the back of a truck with two girls. Good times. I got dressed up a bit after I made the card, cause you see-we hadn't made plans, but I was sure that if we went by, and they were actually there, then we would catch them just in time for dinner and there was a 70% chance they would ask us to come along. My dad, on the other hand, didn't see it coming, quite alright though, we had the perfect amount of time to swing back by home when they did end up inviting us to dinner. We went to Edo Ya's, a Japanese restaraunt. It was so good. I had some sort of Japanese terriaki chicken, their egg rolls were amazing-they had cheese and a few veggies, not all of the sprouts and cabbage chinese ones have. It was really good. The sesame seed salad dressing on their salad was okay. The soup? Both my granny and I passed, but my dad and grandpa finished theirs. They gave me a lot of chicken, and it was really good chicken too, so I took it home. To top the meal off they gave us the most white vanilla soft serve I have ever seen. Mmmm. So yummy. I don't think I get how much of my day was really spent writing, but I think it was a good day. I don't like waking up at ten, it feels as though half the day is over-even if my day lasts until 1am. I am already feeling antsy about tomorrow-split between wanting to sleep and wanting to wake up and move move move. I only have a relaxing two people on my list tomorrow-but it may prove to be a busy day. Blah.
Alright I am out, I have four other things on my mind to do and I know I might not even end up doing one, but I want to give myself a chance.

Anyone's mind fill up with a song?
Any how. It was a good day. I woke up around 10, at last. Then I was confronted with my name for the day-Brandi, who showed up at my door step (something I figured she might do) when she could not reach me by phone..due to me being online :-). So, I got ready for the day in great time, shower and everything. We, along with a young girl just going into 7th grade named Taylor, went to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It was good, of course, not a guy in the theatre. We shed some tears.

We had our laughs today too, as we always do, and hopefully always will. Though the ride over to 'Bucks (Starbucks that is), wasn't filled with that many smiles, by the time we walked into the door we just had to laugh. A friend taking our order asked if we were sisters, or best friends, or something because he always saw us laughing and smiling and together. We read a bit there, tried their new Malts, which really do taste like you are eating whoppers-and we tried the strawberries and cream one, then headed over to a park to lay out a blanket, which ended up being wrapped around us because we were wearing summer clothes from the day and were located about 18-20 feet under road level at 9:30-a bit cool(the park dips down with a sidewalk circling it-I can't explain it much), and watch the stars for a while. It was great. Peaceful when we didn't talk, and good when we did.

I think I am going to wait until I read some more to post some thoughts on Hammond's book I am currently reading. She brings up some interesting points of view. I read them, point them out to myself, then think about reading them over again a couple times to make sure I remember what it is she is trying to say.

I'm too lazy to send a bubbs right now, so C-I got yours, cool deal and happy to hear it.

So, my mom asked me if I had ever heard of underground internet. I had never heard of it. I googled it, but I am not thinking that the results are connected completely to what she is talking about, but they may just be exactly what she means. The only other thing she said was that it is supposed to be a lot faster than normal internet-so going on that to connect with the results, I concluded that I had no idea what she was talking about.

I found some things about in a sense under the table file sharing, Darknets,
and this tidbit I found a bit funny from: http://carolinanewswire.com/news
titled:
The Underground Internet: Commercialization Now Targets Blogville and Weblogs
05-20-2004

..."Along the way, blogs and weblogs have raised their heads, first as places for Web explorers to provide links to websites they care about and then as diaries for people who think they have something to say. In the United States and elsewhere this has created a vast underground society of interchange that has far different things to express than all our official channels of communication. Now, inevitably, commerce has pushed into the blog world, with AOL and others trying to connect with bloggers, and some companies using weblogs as a means of building internal communication.

We are not sure whether Blogville is good or bad. The weblogs do get a lot of people talking to or at each other. But the prose in them is usually pretty undisciplined, often nattering on to no purpose. The freedom is wonderful in theory, but it does lead to an awful lot of drivel. Yet we find ourselves quite interested in them, because we think they create an atmosphere where intuition and creativity can run rampant, that condition which is the sine qua non of America’s future.

And they further an era, begun by the Xerox machine, where personal, one-on-one communication is shoved aside, since every writer on the Net is talking to an assorted community or to the whole world. Blogs are groupthink, make no mistake about it. The blogger, sometimes a lonely person on the prowl, has given up personal intimacy and letter writing, hoping that anybody, preferably many bodies, will catch hold of his messages. This is not prose about “thee” and “me.”"

Sounds a bit like an "adult" with no clue in some respects-though I am sure it has some accuracy. Other than that, not much about some great speed internet. Any one have a clue?

I think reading her book brings a point to my mind. Man and woman did things in response to one another. After the fall, responding in the right way became much more difficult. Men shouldn't, and I hope this is clearly stated for those who actually thought it was this way, do all of the work of acting right. There is a right way for women to act as well. There is always a fight in society on who should be the first one to move. Who should be the first one to make the right move. I love how the tables turn in the minds of women who are against being treated special when they are comfronted with the idea of treating them with respect. Instead of focussing on growing in the right, and maturing, one embraces the insecurities set around them and focuses on the other person. Focuses on the outer, leaning on it to change the inner, instead of the other way around. Not that they necessarily need one, or don't already have one, but why don't women step up and give the men a reason to cherrish them? Why can't both women and men work together at treating each other right, instead of waiting for the other to give them a reason to-or to deserve it. Once they do give a reason, will we ask ourselves if that is enough? Will we tell ourselves that is not good enough, and end up expecting more?

Then a quote from Matthew Henry.

"And so Eve stretched in the morning sun, carefully studying Adam, tracing the place beneath his rib from where God had taken her. He was something for her to behold, as she was something to see him. He was soft, yet strong. He was like her, yet different. His voice was deep and resonant in her ears, different from all the other sounds her ears were frowing accustomed to in the garden. His voice, in comparison to the sounds of the creatures surrounding them, produced a unique reaction within her. It caused a fluttering deep in the pit of her stomach. When he touched her skin, she felt warmth flush through her entire being that magnified the coolness of the wind. She felt safe in his nearness. And how he cared for her! From the moment he saw her, he never ceased to make her feel cherished. He reveled in her beauty, celebrated her gentility, and gloried in her wonder of him. In the midst of their paradise, he taught her things, of creation and of God.
To Adam, Eve was a wonder to consider-the most incredible of all God's creations. She was so soft, so warm. So comforting and nurturing and giving. She made him feel like a king. All he wanted to do was protect her and give her everything her heart desired. Her voice caressed him, her touch created feelings in him that were indescribable, and she had the most interesting way of looking at things! She reintroduced him to wonders that had grown commonplace in their familiarity. How could he have overlooked them before? She was right! The colors in a butterfly's wings were unlike any other hue. Often he foun himself standing in silent observance of her, watching the way she moved, the tilt of her head when she listened to a bird sing. The sound of her laughter was music to him, and he wondered how he had ever existed without her. Breathing thanks to God for such a marvelous gift he rejoined his beautiful wife."

Matthew Henry:
"If man is the head, she (woman) is the crown, a crown to her husband, the crown of the visible creation. The man was dust refined, but the woman was double-refined, one remove further from the earth...The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved."

I have decided to post a tid bit of the book I am reading currently. For once, I have found things that I do not agree with in a book, and have questioned a few things-I feel like I have actually learned and grown some in college. That is not what I am posting though. I am posting the things that made me think, just not in such a disagreeing way.

**Before I begin, most random side note ever- have you ever experienced waking up with the taste of honey teddy grahams in your mouth? I was taking a long-very often interrupted nap/rest today and I got rather hungry so I pulled out some teddy grahams. It was interesting waking up with the flavor in my mouth, not really remembering I had eaten them.

Michelle McKinney Hammond
"Like a phoenix rising
she rose in slow motion
with the earth reluctant
to release her
pungent with its
musky scent
soft and molded
resembling earth
with its mountains
and its valleys
crests and peaks
she rose
silently
hesitatnly
gaining her footing
steadying herself on
long slim legs
that were yet unsure
of standing...
she rose and stood
breathing in the air
God had breathed into her
feeling her soul unfold its wings within her...
the early dusk
reflected highlights of deep amber
red
and golden brown
upon her skin
as the earth from which she had been formed
damp and moist
still clung insistently
to her limbs
she rose
she stood
she waited...
waited until he arose
this man
this setting from which she had been taken
even now she felt the phantom remains
of other ribs encircling her
making her feel safe
as she awaited her discovery...
bone of his bone
flesh of his flesh
yet a separate entity
she breathed in harmony with him
feeling his pulse
hearing his heartbeat in her head
she was one with him
though outside of him
and when he awoke he knew
instinctively
profoundly
and definitely knew
that this was woman
a mirror of himself
the extension of his own arms
and so he wrapped himself around her
tucking her beneath his heart
to keep her warm
and the two became one
balancing the weight of life between them
and in the face of every tempest
she arose
in his strength which had become hers
and hers his
she arose to redefine him daily
as a glorious testamen
of all that was beautiful
all that was pure
and all that was good
she arose to embrace the origin
of who she was
who she would always be
woman
taken from man
from the earth
the signature of God
completing the sentence that man had begun
bringing him to life
carrying the breath of His spirit within her...
the glory of her man
the covering of her children
the giver of life
she could not be contained
for she bore all things within herself
and in this capacity
she arose to give
as only a woman can give
for it is a gift to the world
this creation called woman...

ABC 30, Tarzan-right now. Hehe. (Disney versian)

Actually, it gives a wonderful example of man and woman, together. The way Tarzan treats Jane, before he even really knows who, or what she is. He knows that she is like him, because of the beat of her heart. He appreciates her, right off the bat. He doesn't rule over her, he leads her. He protects her, he cherishes her. He is her partner, her other half.

On another note, I think I am in love with summer. I have never felt so good in this season. I used to watch movies that are set in summer time, and read books about people out on their porch in the summer time, enjoying the summer night's air, slowing down. I feel like I have wanted to feel for years. *sigh, God is good.

Oh! I have a question! Brandi wanted me to ask why boys like to pick girls up. Brad always tells her that he can pick her up, despite her telling him that he cannot, and he will not. She was wondering if you guys could possibly explain what it is about boys wanting to pick up girls. Let me know..

I am going to "be an aunt!" That is a direct quote from the father, whom I am sure did not really know another way to tell me, but he gave me the title and I am keeping it. :-). I went to track down a friend from years ago, and I am soooo glad I took that chance! Plus, I got to go to the high school graduation, which I wasn't able to go to until I showed up unexpectantly at Brandi's house because it was really the only place to park in the neighborhood. Well, they had a plan to get me into the graduation so, needless to say, it followed through. So, I got to say hello to a few friends and let them know I was there. Okay, so anyhow, as I was saying...
This is going to take a lot to explain, and I want to get it all out. Stop reading now and just know that two friends of mine are having a baby, and that I came home to a newly made bed.

Tonight I decided that I was actually going to follow through with something I have been thinking about doing, tracking down some people from the past. I had a list of people, my main idea was to find someone I had dated for a good amount of time, but less than a year. You see, we started going down the wrong path together, and as I turned around, he just kept on going. I have really wanted to know if he ever turned around. I also wanted to go by and see Gus, really for the purpose of trying to connect with Josh-someone I really held high opinions of in high school. He was one of those "only guy's" that I could talk to about whatever was going on, and who had a good head on his shoulders and an active roll in the church. He was one to give good advice, guidance, support, and encouragement, while being willing to talk about what was up in his life as well. As the list fell in no particular order, the last one is Amanda, who lives in town along with Gus and Jeremy, while Josh and the ex (for some reason I just don't want to use his name-it's Travis. There, I said it-weird), lived in places I had never been to. I know, this is long, and somewhat complicated, but I told you to stop reading a while ago.
After the graduation tonight I walked over to Jeremy Byrd's house, I knew him when I was little and then again when I was in high school. He was good friends with Travis. He also was dating Amanda all through her high school years though somewhat off and on at times; she graduated with me, and him, two years before if I am not mistaken, with Josh, Gus, and Travis. Well, he opened the door (thankfully) and I just stood there smiling, giving a little wave. He smiled, laughed a little, and asked what I was doing. Then, he quickly announced, "You're going to be an aunt." I couldn't believe it, though I really could. I saw their first ultrasound and everything. Unfortunately, she wasn't home, still at work. Oh but you guys was it so good to hear him, and about what was going on in his life! God really has given me a greater appreciation for life. I was even excited about his voice! There was something there, something so welcoming and different than it had been last time I had talked to him. He is going to be a dad! It has surely brought out the best in him. We talked for a while, and when I mentioned trying to see the other people on my list, he gave me the updates I needed, and there was only one person left that I cared to visit in the end. See, it seems Jeremy has not talked to Travis in months, and he never did turn around, more sad news followed when I mentioned tracking down Gus to get ahold of Josh...Jeremy informed me that Josh had severed all ties with anyone he knew in high school and became a rather large jerk. It seems like a lot went on by the way he shook his head and stared off a bit, not saying really more than I don't need to track him down. Oh, but the best news ever! Amanda has the weekend off, and so they are going to call me tomorrow so I can come and see her! YAY!! I am sooo excited. God has opened the doors, this happened to be the only weekend I have free before I leave for Africa! Jeremy asked me at one point in the conversation if I had a break at Christmas this past year, I felt a twinge of sadness that I hadn't tried to come sooner, but you know what? God is gooood, and God is in control of things, I cannot be sad about things that I didn't do, because I am doing things now! Okay, quick thing about the bed since I have written so much already, I came home to find my room a bit less chaotic than when I left it (I had been cleaning some more today, putting things away and putting out some decorations). My bed was completely cleared off, and made with new sheets and every thing. It isn't the first time he has done it, but my dad is sure silly. He makes me happy. Okay, last thing, There was the most beautiful shade of green in the sky tonight with a brilliant crescent moon just above the stretch of the color. It was so beautiful. God is such an artist. I couldn't stop looking at it.

**First of all, I have been trying to post this all day! Internet is silly.

1. The medieval system, principles, and customs of knighthood.
2.
1. The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women.
2. A manifestation of any of these qualities.
3. A group of knights or gallant gentlemen.

*Chivalry defined by the American Heritage Dictionary.

I was discussing the simple act of opening the door for a woman, and both my sister and her cousin talked about how both of the men in their lives, in one case past men, spoke of the "honey moon" being over, or the "honey moon" never having begun. I could hardly believe my ears. I never even mentioned the example of respect that I was presented in when my friend's boyfriend stands when she exits the room. Both men had used an excuse, or never even made it to showing any respect or sign of chivalry to these women. In my mind, not a good representation of the respect-worthy men I knew were out there, and I had experienced life with over the past months. Speaking from a women's point of view, I automatically want to be selfish, and believe that the women who are against chivalry are crazy. However, after taking a step back and evaluating what goes on in some of the world today, I have to step away from the extreme. Take it from me, some men take it over the top, and in the wrong direction. What they use is not chivalry however, it is only masked as it, and such ruins the name of true chivalry. What they use makes women feel wrong, manipulated. It is almost a sense that they are doing it out of wrongly backed obligation and in turn, feel the women should be obligated to feel gratitude and reward them. This is not a welcomed feeling, and I do not believe any obligation for gratitude and reward is warranted. If gratitude and reward was obligated, it would twist and distort the very idea of them. Okay, this is not to say there is not a time and place where one should be thankful, I am not by any means, saying to do away with the teaching and using of gratitude and rewards. Well, this is clearly guiding away from the point, and I will leave this for another post if one feels the need to dig in further.

The point I am trying to make is, though chivalry is under attack, it is a very good thing. I question how damaged their (my sister and her cousin) self images are distorted when they talk about being okay with not being respected. This post went to a few places I didn't expect it to extend to I have to say, but I will lead it out one more branch. I found in a high school yearbook this year, a quote from a young man I thought to be of rather good character, I was a bit disappointed with his claim. When asked a question to the likes of why men/boys think it so necessary to do things such as open the door for a women/girl and show chivalry, he replied to the likes of, "Because we want to show respect for them, and hope for maybe something in return...like a kiss." Immature, as sadly expected, coming from a high school year book. However, I found it to be a good thing to point out, it is twisted, distorted, and by no means fitting of the definition-and many people believe it! I have seen and heard of my share of people who use it as a means of getting something. I was offended for the men I know who hold the true meaning of chivalry in their minds, and saddened for the women/girls who believe in the wrong meaning. Okay, I am done. I might post more as the conversation across Jason and Matt's blog grows. I may even post rather soon about the Code of Chivalry and Courtly Love. For now, these are a few of my experiences.

Well, I finished Ice Station by Matt Reilly. Very suspenseful and actioned packed. I think I can see why Laramie would like it. I enjoyed it. I might think about buying another one of his books. I do see a trend in his writing after I read just a bit of the exerpt of another book placed in the back of Ice Station. The trend seems to be of people's heads exploding, described with unique similes and done in what I have found to be, at least three different categories of ways. Good times..

I was thinking about my answer to the question: "What has God been teaching you?"
I thought through the answers I would give, have given:
God has been teaching me that He is big, and that He is fighting for me, and that He will win;
How to keep loving others, even when it doesn't seem like they deserve it.
I would also say that He has grown within me a greater appreciation of life. I think over all though, the one thing that stood out to me today, when I thought of what I would say to such a question is, God is calling me to learn who He is. The only thing that follows that is my reply, "I don't know how." I could list off a number of ways how, that is not the problem. The problem lies under the thin layer of the initial "how" part of the solution, and is embeded in the thick, "how to" part of the solution. Read the Bible. Okay, but how? With what motivation, in which direction, with what in mind, how fast, when? Where is the passion? I have to fight to stay away from dangerous comparison. That isn't the answer.

I finally got to the point where I felt really tired last night. It was nice. I was actually so tired I don't remember Matt saying goodnight. I never replied to him. I thought I had actually quit Adium before I disconnected, I was wrong. I am glad I made it into bed though. :-)

Hmm, I had a vacumm turn on in my head and now I do not know what I was going to talk about. So, here's a short post for you all. :-)

I always seem to feel a twinge of sadness when I come home and my dad is already asleep. I don't know why it is always this way, but when I get home, I end up not staying home very often, and instead spend most of the hours my dad is home somewhere else. I only have two more weeks until I leave for a month, with no contact to people back home. I need to set up my insurance, a birthday get together for my granny, a dinner with my grandma, a shopping date for Africa with my aunt, hopefully get a check from my other aunt, ask my insurance for a vacation refill of my malarone so I can get my last ten pills they wouldn't fill today before I leave, buy a present for my uncle's wedding, find something to wear to that, get something together to present to the church body on my Africa trip, as they want to pray for me before I leave, set up how I am getting down to LA the 25th.

*Sigh.
Okay, I know God has a plan for me. I know God does this sort of thing all of the time. But why am I going? What can I do? I am so unprepared, so unfaithful! The doubts about the trip are not swarming in, I know I am supposed to go. The expectations are, however, being thrown out the window. I am at war with myself; battling the suffocating downward thoughts on myself. Maybe not at war with myself, but with the power of the thoughts. The power inflamed by Satan. It irks me to know how easy it is for him to blow on a small ember and burn down a forest. I am on the winning side. God will triumph, and I will be beside myself with excitement when that day comes. I was thinking about that battle, and how great it will be when it is over, I couldn't help but get excited. It is exciting to know that God will be there to defeat Satan, and we will serve Him forever more.

They may be young, they may be old, but they have one thing in common, they are awesome, and have God working through them in amazing ways. Personally, I don't know where I would be without God having put them in my life. Dave, Curtis, Jason, Matt, Timothy, Mike, Scott; God surprised me this semester. I would have never guessed to be friends with people like them. People who are willing to take time to ask you questions and help you think through things when you just don't know what you believe; people who share their experiences so openly; people who let you know they have been there before and found their way through; people who listen to you talk about everything, even if they have only known you for a week, and still listen to you six months later; people who say what you need to hear, right when you need to hear it; people who stick around, no matter how crazy you get; people who stick by your side and walk you through the tough stuff of life. Thank you guys, for choosing to be there.

God, you have brought me to praise and worship of Your holy name because of who you are. You have shown me love through them; shown me grace; shown me friendship and light. You have given me a greater appreciation of men because of them, and you have shown me good things through them. You have revealed Yourself to me through them. You have given me a greater appreciation for You and for the life you have given me through them. You have given me a greater appreciation for myself through them. Thank you my God, my King for them, the men in my life. They have shown me your ways when I was lost, and you have blessed my life with them. You have given me the greatest joy that fills me each time they come around. You have given me peace, given me comfort through them. God I thank you for the time you have given me with them. Blessed be Your name. Oh Lord do not let me forget the lessons you have taught me, do not let me forget the blessings you have given. Let not such sweet memories slip from my mind. Lord I pray that you would bless them. Fill their days with Your joy, Your peace, Your love. Thank you for them, thank you for you.
~Amen.

After hearing about Gina and the car accident, I lost it. I couldn't keep the tears in. It wasn't a sobbing river of tears, and it didn't last long, but it was enough. I got to talk to her a bit though, which made me realize even more that I miss her, and how much I miss people from school. Now here I am, doing the common psychological thing of turning to food for comfort, stuffing my face with rice cakes, cinnamon teddy grahams, and thinking about getting the ice cream out, because as I learned at school with the girls, ice cream always makes you feel better. I don't think I will though, after that rice cake I don't think I really want anything else but water. *Sigh. I never notice when I am getting stressed, only that I am stressed, and only that when I am half way through the stress. God is good, very good. He is amazing, my hero. I think I am going to follow in Jason's footsteps and read. The only thing is, I should make another phone call before I start. *sigh. Maybe two, but as soon as I wrote that I am deciding against it. Alright I am out.

Oooooo...
It's well past midnight
And I'm awake with questions that won't
Wait for daylight
Separating fact from my imaginary fiction
On this shelf of my conviction
I need to find a place
Where You and I come face to face
Thomas needed
Proof that You had really risen
Undefeated
When he placed his fingers
Where the nails once broke Your skin
Did his faith finally begin?
I've lied if I've denied
The common ground I've shared with him

And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day
A different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

Nicodemus
Could not understand how You could
Truly free us
He struggled with the image
Of a grown man born again
We might have been good friends
Cuz sometimes I still question, too
How easily we come to You

But I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day
A different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

No more camping on the porch of indecision
No more sleeping under stars of apathy
And it might be easier to dream
But dreamin's not for me

And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day
A different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

I want to know you, I really want to know you
Hey yeah, yeah
I really want to know you, I really want to know you,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

*Nichole Nordeman

I think I am tired of people. The only problem with that is, I love people too much to continue being tired of them. So, I am stuck. God is working on me as I write though. He is clearing my head of the pressure, and lifting my spirits. Lifting the haze set in front of my eyes. I will go, I will serve. I will go, I will do the things I need to do.

I am a very system oriented person, I have gotten better as I have grown, but I never have let it go. If you give me a system, I will follow it and until I learn it very well and find something that will make it better, in even the smallest degree, I will not let myself or any other person violate the system. To give an example I always give, years ago playing with someone younger than I in Hi-Ho-Cherrios, the playmate attempted to violate the stated rules and alter them to his own, I wouldn't allow it. I know he was younger, but there was a system to be followed and I was going to follow it, and he was going to have to as well. I have grown to realize more that there are acceptions, and that people have their own individual systems to follow, which may be very different and even sometimes contradictory to my own. I bring this up, because of the aspect of stubornness. Today I went to check on a prescription my doctor's assistants told me they would fax to Savemart. They told me this in the context of trying to figure out where I usually take my prescriptions, something I didn't know, and trying to figure out what other immunizations they needed to get for me, so they told me they would send the prescription that they had to Savemart, and I consented. The rest of the conversation consisted of me discussing with them whether or not they were going to order the typhoid shot that needed to be taken with the Hep.A. shot. I told them I would call about that and get back to them. I show up at Savemart to check and see about my prescription, and there is nothing there for me. They call the doctor's office and tell me that the doctor's asistants thought I was going to pick it up, and that now they are going to fax it because they got the phone call. My first instinct was to tell them how wrong they were when I went to talk to them. To tell them how they told me they would fax it in, and at no point did I tell them I would come and pick that up. It is so hard not to argue with the people who think they are right, but they are in reality wrong, and it is something that can never really be proven because every one sees a different side of things. I once argued with someone over the possibility that he was wrong in believing I had never said something and that I could have said something he simply did not hear. I thought it over today, and I think I do not want to argue with them over something like this. I don't think it is going to get anywhere good, nor is it going to be helpful in any way. It is really something that doesn't matter in the long run, as it is easily fixed. What kind of a Christian would I really be showing them if I came in responding to their potential attitudes, and the attitude they have shown me before, with the exact same attitude they were giving me? Isn't the right thing to show them love? Not bitterness over something so frivilous in the span of life. Haven't I made a mistake before? Heck yes I have, plenty of them too. Why is fighting so often the choice made? Isn't knowing that there are mistakes made, life goes on, and that God loves both of us equally enough? I am a child of God. The God. The God who has power over anger, power over foolishness. I am one with the choice to fight, or show the love that was given to me by mercy and forgiveness.

A full day in the office wears you down. I feel like I am more tired being home than I was at school, every other week except for the last of course. :-)
Any how, I went in to work at my sister's office again today, 8-5. I read a little while I was there and it was slow (for about 15 minutes or so). Ice Station is pretty good, still very suspenseful. I hit another three pages about the people I could care less about, but I will get past that quickly. I love being home today. I feel good about my decision to not go anywhere and stay here so I could spend some time with my dad. He is off doing stuff now though. Maybe later on I will end up going out or something, but for now... at least for a bit longer I am good for staying put. It is funny, once I start doing just one thing here at home, I end up doing at least three others and end up not seeing my dad for more than a total of ten minutes in the day. Okay, I am off, my sister is here now and we are going to hit the slops on the XBOX.

So now I know, I can do both yard work and tire check up in high heels. I can do tire check up in high heels and a four-inch-above-the-knee-skirt. Ha, beat that boys. (I wasn't risque or anything-promise double time)

Anyhow, there is something about driving along with a starbucks nalgiene bottle of water, with a straw, wearing sunglasses that you don't really need but it is sunny enough that no one is going to tell you anything, hair all up, and eating a rice cake that just made me feel like I wanted to wear one of those cool work out suits.

The best feeling today came when I was driving with the windows down, blasting some happening Christian music, singing loud as Sally-Jane shook along at 65, winding down to 35 just in time to stroll into town like nothing ever happened; only evidence being the wind-blown hair which I smoothed over with ease.

I got some new glasses picked out today, I only went for an appointment set up but they were able to squeeze me in there so I jumped on in the check up chair. I went for the transition lens and some small dark rims. They should come in around next week. Speaking of coming in soon, I just got some news that the medications I need for Africa would be in after just a few days once ordered, so that is great. I have taken care of two things on my list. Two more to go for today's primary list, then I forget how many for the month's list-good times. Check ya later, time to get cracking on the last two.

**Side note, I have been thinking, I am getting worse than Curtis with the whole narrating one's life... I find myself writing posts about what I am doing with a play by play in my head every time I go out now.

I love this song:

Take these hands
And lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
See, I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love
To cover me, so all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing
I have nothing without You

And all my soul needs is all Your love
To cover me so all the world will see
That I have nothing
That I love You, yeah
With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
And all the strength I can find

Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing
I am nothing without You 

*Bebo Norman

What a way to end the night but by watching World's Funniest Home Video. Laughing is such an enjoyable thing. I love when this show comes on and I hadn't planned to watch it. It makes it even better somehow. Well, I think I shall sign off for the night and go to bed after this show. Church tomorrow-yay! Yay for worshipping God with others. Good night all, and may God bless you.

**Hope you had a good night with your dad Jason, and hope you are all moved in now Curtis, and Matt, Happy Sunday. If any of you read this within the next day ;-).

The bread is out, it doesn't taste half bad. I have decided to think about going to culinary arts school after my first four years of college. I have always wanted to go. I don't want to be a chef for life, but I think it would be something I could do while I go to get my masters and PhD. This idea sets in even more when I don't even begin to talk about money and my granny brings up the fact that she is not going to pay for more than four years of college. That is a whole other issue though. This is something I have wanted to do for a while, and something that would help me for a long time. Sigh. Enough of that talk for now, Bambi is showing on ABC tonight, and I haven't seen it in years.

So, about an hour ago I was tired, which is funny because I had only been awake for seven hours then. Now, I am not so tired, which is good. I am comfortable. The sun is still not set, beautiful. I read today, I swam only a bit because the pool was not in appealing condition, and, after baking some chiken, I am now in the process of baking a cinnamon and sugar braid. It has been a good day. I am currently reading a book recommended by Laramie called Ice Station by Matt Reilly. It has a good amount of poor language, but it is very suspensful and has an interesting story line. i just got past a short spot that was very uninteresting to me as it broke away from the main story line to a new set of characters and happenings that will connect with everything in the end I am sure, but I just am not interested in the part they had to play in the whole scheme of things. Thankfully I am past that and back in the main stream of things. So, as I wait for the bread to rise, I am off to read some more and comtimplate mopping the kitchen floor.

Waking up at 11:15 after an exhausting day and having no consequences, missing nothing. I woke up for the phone again, trying not to kill myself as I got out of bed with my sheet all wrapped around me. :-) My mind still thinks of many things to do, but I am trying to get past that and rest. I still need to do a few things for Africa, a friend wants me to go to her graduation party, so I need some sort of gift-haven't decided yet, I need to think about a gift for my uncle's wedding too. Today is Saturday, a day of rest, and I shall rest. I might read some, I might swim some, I might bake some, only God knows.

Last night was good, I spent some time with Brandi and then Brad (her boyfriend) joined us. The only problem is, Brad lied to his parents about where he was going last night, which in turn placed both Brandi and I in a position to lie to her parents when they made comments and asked questions about him actually being able to come over. He has done it before, and when he fessed up to his parents, they claimed it was probably better that he lied. I talked to Brandi about it last night, because I am not going to be in the situation to lie to her parents again, and she said she would talk to him today. She knows that it is wrong, and yet it is frustrating that his parents are so lock down with him. I am supposed to be there to "watch them" in a way, which is why her parents were a little more lax last night when he was there and they weren't, and I find it hard to do that. I let them go ahead and be close, but after a while, I go ahead and get in the middle of things. Not that they are doing horrible things, but I feel like saying, don't be in a position that you wouldn't be comfortable being in with your parents around. Though they are not overly physical, they are a young couple. Blah, I don't know where to draw the line, and I want to say that it isn't my line to draw, but her mom told me I was supposed to be stopping "that" when they were wrapped in each other's arms saying goodbye, and she thought they were kissing. I feel better after writing it all out.

As I type I am attempting to make the first ever (made by me because who knows how many other people in the world may have tried) brownie chip cookies I would like to call: Brookies!

Ha, yep. The first batch has come out and I am already messing up by not setting the timer for this second batch that is in right now, I estimated and set one anyway. What are you going to do?
My first attempt, as read above, has the brownies in the form of small balls that I froze to keep more form, however I mixed them into rather warm cookie dough, so they attempted to blend with the cookie dough. For that, I am glad that I froze them, had they been room temp they would have actually blended and I would have lost the cookie. Maybe to try that another day I will. The first real test has arrived, attempting to remove them off of the cookie sheet and place them on a cooling rack. Should I have greesed the pan? We shall see...

Oh! And it's a homerun for the home team! Score, that first batch came off the pan perfectly fine. This is Jace Lillie on KIJH keeping you up to date and in the moment with: Brookie watch.

Hehe, next batch is out; last batch in. Should I try one warm? Heck yes. Well, they passed the ultimate test for me, they taste fine. They have my two favorite things, chocolate chip cookies without chocolate chips, and brownies. All three batches came out in good shape. Yay for cooking. This is Jace Lillie signing off, until next time on KIJH.

On another note, as I was writing this post my internet logged off due to lack of network activity. So I logged back in, but it was taking forever to load this create post page. I switched over to xanga in another window and as I got to the create a post page there, this one decided on popping up. Haha. Anyways, I didn't get up ro run this morning, I don't know what time I got up but I decided whatever time it was I was going to forget about it and go back to sleep. I woke up finally to my aunt calling for my dad. I am so tired, and I am not sure why. My dad didn't want me working at the library yesterday because I just finished a year at college and I don't need to be working, especialy after I worked an eight hour day the day before. I still did, but today I think I will stay home. It makes it hard when I know they need the help. Oh well, there is always next week. I think I am going to lay down on the couch until my one show I actually enjoy watching and don't feel stupid after watching it comes on at nine. Tata for now.

Good times. The Olive Garden serves big portions. That was dinner tonight, I finally got to spend some time with my sister, and her cousin was there too. I have spent the last two days working at the library (first a bit of time spent at the elementary one my granny works at, but most of it was at the high school). I like doing displays, I like checking in and out books, but the rest of the stuff (the stuff I happen to be doing right now) makes my head hurt. It isn't that it is too difficult, with my granny being a librarian since before I was born, I get most of the stuff more easily than most. At least that is what I hear and observe.
God is amazing. I became frustrated today about my friendships, it carried over a bit from last night. Well, I decided to pray about it because I have felt this way before and I know it doesn't lead to good, I wanted to stop feeling so bad, I released it today and I finally began to feel better. It will come back, but it is losing its power.
I observed something while I was at the high school in the afternoon hours through the window of the library of the most indecent manner. I turned away. I question that now. How many times do we simply turn away? I wish I would have pounded on the window. I wish I would have done some talking. I have been there, I know what it is like, I know how dangerous it is. I didn't though, but it sure did make me think. Why do we turn away so often? Even when we know it is wrong and harmful to your health and future. That's right, tonight: more "grrrrr's"
Alright I am out. I woke up this morning early enough to make up for not waking up in time yesterday. Today was a really slow day. Besides trying to break from the trance and beginning to run, I tried to follow my body and I ended up at a slow crawl and basically stop for about 20 seconds. SSllllllooowwwwww day, but hey I kindof like the sleepy feeling. Sleep well all, Muah!

So I am finding big problems to this whole dial up internet thing. Boo. ha, but if I kick a little and threaten to scream, it works a little bit better.