Sometimes I just have to remind myself I am not

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Any excuse it seems

There is something about winter days that gets me excited. It must be a lot of things. All I really can tell is it excites me to the point of being incapable of sitting still. Or at least my thoughts are consumed by the thought of not. I am sitting here, trying to get work done and enjoying the bags of popcorn I snagged from the tin, watching the sun illuminate the world, and listening to 4Him which has a Christmas feel to me, and all I can think about is getting up and dancing. Maybe it is the fact that I don't understand my statistics homework that persuades my thoughts to be focused else where. My thoughts travel as far as January and back each minute. The thought of seeing snow as beautiful as the snow captured in the image on my desktop excites me. My body will not sit still without force. The thought of being in a different winter brings my soul to life. The thought of being in a different winter for three weeks, and having someone who knows all about it show me around, guiding me with a new perspective, makes any other thoughts inconceivable. I need to go. I need to go dance. I need to go think about the beauty of God reflected in His creation; through and through. I need to go and let my God prepare my heart for worship and praise. I need to go and let my Father hold me, and consume my thoughts...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I love it!

I love popcorn in a tin! Someone on my hall received literally six gallons of popcorn in a tin and put it out their door with a note on it that says, "EAT ME"

It is ontologically greater than any other popcorn in variety, taste, and quality of pop. The tin has been experienced by me only one other time in my life, and I am happy to say this exceeds my memories of happiness. You've all seen the tin before, it is like the ones they line up around the top shelves of every less ritzy store for Christmas. Many of you, at least I would hope, have seen the inside full of three flavors of popcorn: cheese, regular, and caramel. If you haven't ever experienced the popcorn tin, one should come on my hall during appropriate hours and I would delight in introducing you to the pleasure.

Almost needless to say, I wrote a note on their board stating: I promise I will bring the popcorn back...in a bit. And it is certainly needless to say that I am simply ecstatic to know that I have plastic bags of all sizes.

A lot of needless to say things, but I enjoy saying them any way because they more fully express my joy. Happy popcorn day to all! May you too, one day, experience this joy.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Thoughts

As I walked down the hall this morning (3am that is) with a pile of freshly washed clothes that reached from my waist to my forehead in my arms, my laptop in one hand, my, dare I say, jug of detergent in another-which had to then in fact be balanced between both hands because it was rather heavy for one arm that was preoccupied with the giant pile of clothes that was blocking my forward vision-two shirts hanging off my shoulder that could not be folded, and a pillow shammy (which has one of those split down the middle openings instead of the side) hanging off of my head carrying various items that were not clothes or were too small to fold...like socks, only one quote came to mind:

"I am the essence of awesome."

And then the door shut behind me and all went black...

***********
God has a humorous way of knocking down pride.

Monday, October 24, 2005

*Nods

Yes. Yes I am in class.
*Shakes head
No. No I don't think it is wrong.

I think falling asleep in class and not taking notes is wrong. Especially in a class that one is not currently passing. I think that bringing one's computer is both benificial in the sense that one can practice one's typing skills and in the sense that he/she can have something to keep his/her mind busy enough to stay awake during the entirety of the class and actually have notes by the end of the class.
I have this problem with going to sleep in classes. I don't have a week go by without falling asleep in more than one of my classes. I have six classes, and go to classes seven times a week. All classes are finished by Thursday, with one class on each Wed. and Thurs. It is a nice schedule, but no matter what time of day my classes fall, whether it be 8am, 3pm, or 6:30-9:30, I fall asleep.

Decisions

So I have decided upon being less productive and sleeping today. I had four hours of sleep, and I find that I would be more irritated at falling asleep in class again than I would with myself not being so productive as to do laundry, clean or do homework. So either way, I will probably have a late night tonight so I am thinking this tired thing will be upon me for more than today.

Rant of the day:
Now, what is with the lobby quote board having a word verification in the editing? I don't like that. Why is it necessary? Who would come in and spam in the editing section? I didn't think that was possible. They would already need the password. I don't like the extra step of figuring out the swirly letters when I am editing a post.
That might be just me though. I'm done.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Today

I get to feel my heart reopened.
I get to cry.
I get to smile.
I get to love.
I get to see God's Beauty.
I get to see God's Love.

Today I get to; I don't have to; I am not restricted from; I want to, and I get to.


It's like daylight, at midnight. It's my favorite dream where nothing's really as it seems. Don't wake me, just take me. Take me by the hand and I will believe. ~Nichole Nordeman.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

If you see me around

A hug would be nice today...

Cold Air

There is something about very large clouds that take on colors you will never be able to match gliding across the sky that makes me want to stop and stare. There is something about cold air and a shinning moon that makes me want to stay outside all night. Beauty. God's fingerprints. God. In the words of Chris Tomlin, "Still more awesome than I know."

There is something about being fulfilled, and being around those who need to be filled. God has that way about Him. His ways are planned, and are centered in His glory. How glorious He is to allow tears; to allow sorrow, to allow a sense of being lost. All these, that we might compare and see. That we might choose Him, for Him. For He is Good. All this, that we might know Good full and deep. I don't think I will ever get it completely right. I don't think I will ever know completely why. I do know that we don't need to hide who we are and what we are feeling. I do know that we don't need to try and be someone we are not because of other people. I do know that feelings are difficult to understand sometimes. Sometimes we can't give a reason why we are happy, sometimes we don't know why we are sad. Sometimes we can wish with all of our hearts to be one or the other, and are only given more time to be as we are.

I used to fight it. I literaly fought with myself on my way to school each day for weeks about being angry or sad. I fought myself thinking I should give it up to God so that I could be happy again, and I fought myself thinking I should be sad/angry. One day, I said the words and gave it to God. He lifted the clouds, and I found happiness.

Years later, I was fighting again. This time I was fighting to stay happy. I couldn't give, to be honest I never even considered it, my happiness to Him. I stopped, for a lot of it, giving Him my pain/anger/sorrow, instead I tucked it away at the bottom. I can say now that, if you fill your cup up with those, there isn't much room for a deep joy. Yep. My joy was pretty shallow. An abundance of shallowness, yes, but nothing compared to depths of the junk I piled up for "the sake of joy". I didn't know what words to say this time.

I found out this summer that it wasn't I, but He who needed to speak to my heart. It was hard for me; to be sad. I still don't know all how to do it. The funny thing about a broken heart is, things pierce it a lot deeper~including joy. God knows this, why do you think He can do His best work when we are broken? What made it more hard for me was being around people and not being happy. Coming back changed in that way was big for me, but now I see how good it is. Now I see what I have to offer people, if and when I am not happy. I can offer them tears, silence, prayers, hugs. I can offer my hands. I can offer my presense. I can offer them what I learned this summer. We can be sad. We can be happy. And we don't need any explination for either.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Today has been a long day.

I feel like there hasn't been time to talk. Not on my end, but for others. On my end, I feel as though there hasn't been time to listen. This creates a problem. You see, when people think there is no time for either one of these, they don't take any time to do them. I long to listen. I love to listen, getting out of my own world, yet bringing the person closer to it. I haven't had a talk-out in a long time. I miss a friend who is far away. I miss friends who I am around every day. What's wrong with this picture? The latter shouldn't be.

I am sorry friends. I am sorry if it seems I am unavailable. I am sorry that I have not had the energy to approach you and seek you out.

***************************************************************************

Okay, so today is Sunday. I never got to finish my post because I was too tired to open my eyes and type. I got nine and a half hours of sleep that night, and that was not the extent of God's blessings yesterday.

During GodBlog on Friday my chest started hurting in a way I have never felt before, my head, and really from the shoulders up, was in pain and aspirin did nothing, I felt like I hadn't eaten anything all day and that was far from the truth and I was tired. God got me through the day with a calming Spirit after my most aggravating part of the day happened when a freshman acted in a manner during GB that was unacceptable.

Well, yesterday my blessings came in multitude as I started off the day fresh and ready to go take on the last day of GB. I did the best I could to not close my eyes in Roger Overton and Amy Hall's session (the two I was assisting), as I have a brain that does not like to be with out something to work out and process things that amount to more than a lecture. The session was on apologetics and blogging, which was rather interesting and very Biola like (considering Roger was actually a Talbot student, it was fitting.)

My short writing during the session:
Once again it feels so great to serve. I never think about the benefits of it until I receive them. It is a beautiful thing to take the opportunity to serve. God didn't ask us to serve one another to enslave us and/or burden us, but to benefit us. Just as serving God does not act as enslavement or demeaning, but in fact brings many rewards. God takes care of His servants ten times better than the best person in the world.
I was able to see an incredible image of the Body of Christ this weekend as all around me many were actively engaged in servanthood. It was incredible to see a connected body of people holding each other together. As one served the other, the other served the one. As I was expecting to be only of service, I found, to my surprise, people asking to serve me. God is amazing.

In the end of GB I was spending time with someone who can lighten my day when the darkest of clouds roll in, and somehow make it even brighter when the sun is shining. It was a beautiful sight to see someone so tired, so ready to leave, stick around for the right reasons. Someone who had no obligation on paper stay and help long after his time was over. I am so honored and blessed to be able to love someone like him. Today, God has allowed me to do so however, and I hope to live it out to its fullest.

Friends. They found me, just in time for dinner. I was captivated by the beauty of God's painting as the sun went down, and in awe of the pictures captured of my favorite tree, because now I can take them with me. After a photo shoot of Creation, I found welcoming smiles and words in a room that had not been filled with the four of us in weeks. We talked. We talked and talked and talked. We laughed. A lot. We encouraged each other. It was beautiful. All that I had been longing for and waiting for had come. How wonderful our God is that He would bless us with things such as the friendship I have with three beautiful, wonderful, spectacular women. I don't know how to thank Him, but I believe it involves loving them and showing them Love.

So for now I am off to get ready for the day as we planned a trip to 'Bucks and then we will be off to church.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Alone Time

How great it was to have time alone with my Father today. Every child-of-a-big-family's dream. How wonderful He is to provide such a time that we can stop and be with Him. No need to rush, no need to worry. Even if it is just for a moment, how glorious to have that one moment to stop and listen, and enjoy our Father one on one.

When things don't work out one way, take the time to wait for that whisper in the wind calling you another way. God is in control, and sometimes He allows things to happen just to give us that one on one time with Him. How special we are.

How beautiful.

How beautiful it is that God asks of us, not because He needs, but because He wants us to trust in Him that He might bless us.

So many times He has amazed me by giving me back what I gave up, which He knows only makes me want to give it to Him more.

Even this computer for example. I walked in to the room having come from one of the best nights I have had in a while and found that I has left my computer with Curtis so that I wouldn't have to walk to my room, way so far down the hall way, before we went to 'Bucks. Well, I didn't know what to do with myself, in a very good way. Yes, it is two in the morning. Yes, I am going to sleep the moment I post this; but I feel more awake than I can say I have felt in all of my classes this week. *smiles. I made a decision that God would make good out of having to miss a part of my morning routine due to the lack of computer. I felt wonderful about it. I even felt privileged to be without a computer for a night. However, as I sat in bed, a small-ever so sensitive tap on the door revealed Becky with my laptop. Thank you Becky, for being wonderful you. Thank you Curtis, for not putting it off. Thank You Father, for caring about my thoughts, my actions...me. So much so that you would glorify yourself even in the smallest, most foolish of things. You make me want to love You more. Thank you.

It is so great to have boundaries; to be a child of God. How wonderful He is for looking out for us at all times, guiding us in all of our ways, and mapping out the way that we not get lost.

Alright, into the blissful splendor of sleep.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

How I feel today:

Ah!

God made good, and I saw bad.

God is good, even as I stumble into my dark, dark room and trip over everything five times. Dark doesn't work with me so well.

I learned a few things today:
Falling off of chairs is more fun that one would think,
Aaron Bailey's hair is worth a picture when he just wakes up,
and taking a Benadril just before work makes you act in such a manner customers tend to not trust you.

I also learned a few things I hope God will teach me again and again:
I learned that God answers our prayers even when we don't understand how what He does answers the prayer, or remember we even asked. I asked God to help me appreciate things more, and as I lost sight of the vision He had given me, He was faithful to restore it.
Tonight, when He took something away, for the greater good, I had a difficult time releasing it. How silly of me to think I need hold on to things like that, when God has greater things for me. How humbling and joyful to see Him glorify Himself, even with my feeble attempts. How great it is to realize I have love to give, and there is love for me to receive because of Him, and Him alone. How glorious that our God would give us love back that we might share it with each other. How wonderful it is that He calls us back to Him, even if we rebel against His methods. How warm it is to be in His arms, and how overflowing it is to be content in Him, and only Him. Forgive me Lord for not seeing, for not trusting. Thank you for helping me release everything to you; my love, my joy, my sorrow, my struggles.

I learned today that I get to love him, and that I get to do it by being myself. Father, I trust you, let me worry no more, for you alone are faithful with your promises.
My spirit soars above the highest mountain because of You.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Birthdays

Today is the twenty-first birthday of a very special man in my life, and a very special woman in my life. God has blessed me with unmeasurable joy in knowing them. Happy Birthday you two, may your walk in the Lord be strengthened as He has given you the start of a new year in order that He may be glorified.

Happy Birthday Jenny Brothwell


and Curtis Schweitzer

Sunday, October 02, 2005

God made good-this might be long

I decided last night that I would not be attending church this morning, and God made good from that choice, as He is so faithful to do even when we choose wrong.

Both my mother and father called me this morning. Yes, that is right, my mother called. I still don't understand why she used this excuse: www.gocaching.com. (I can't seem to figure out how to link)
I love God's way of revealing the way He looks at people, when our way is so twisted at times and never perfect. I didn't understand why she called me at seven this morning, especially for that which I linked to above. That is her though. No matter what, she will always be a part of my life, and that is something a lot of people don't have. No matter what, I can't deny that I have been waiting for her to write me, contact me, something. After talking to my dad, and seeing the beauty of love, whether it lasts as it is or not, I can't look on it in any way that portrays it as something without good. My mother and my father divorced, more than 15 years ago. But my dad still sees good. I wish I could convey to you what that means to me, and how God uses my dad, of all people, to help me see the good in my mom when I forget that it is there. God please forgive me for holding on to my twisted view. Thank you for revealing the beauty and good that You have made.
It is funny how my heart can feel so wrong about looking at someone and not liking them. How my entire being is disrupted when I can't seem to find good in someone. That is why, when I do find something good about someone I basically wrote off, it hits me hard. I can't help but swell with tears when my foolish expectations about people are broken in the most beautiful way. Thank you God, for using my staying home to teach me something I so often forget. Thank you dad, for not holding your tongue and speaking of God's beauty and using Love to speak to my heart.

******************************************************************************

Yesterday, I was blessed with friendship. Friendship only God could have made. It seemed so crazy, as it very well was, to start the day in a running frenzy. A frenzy that just didn't feel right. At some point, and I can't pinpoint when, God covered us in peace and we fell into a way of being together that no longer allowed frenzy chaos, but instead allowed us to be who we are together. There are those few friendships that make you wonder why people could ever even think that this world was an accident because the chances of them happening are so far off into a land of nothing we can not even come close in five trillion years to reproducing something that comes with in one-billionth of a centimeter close to its furthest decimal and I spent the night blessed with three. And to think, God chose to glorify Himself by first creating us, and then blessing us with things like that. How intricately beautiful. How glorious.
We found so much delight in things that I would usually think were wrong. Someone decided to pour out an entire economy size bottle of dish soap into the fountain in Brea. Little did they, or we, know that we would find so much joy in something so simple as bubbles. We started a trend while we were in our own world and found ten others creating their own war of the bubbles. It was beautiful to see us, living at an age that so many waste with the world's view of maturity, finding pleasure in such simplicity.

Thank you Father, for smiling down upon Your children. Thank you for making so much good out of our foolish choices to glorify yourself. Thank you God, for being the only one worthy of glory and for making us, so unworthy, a part of it that we might experience it. Thank you for bubbles, as they were evident through out the day and made beauty out of things so opposite.

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