Sometimes I just have to remind myself I am not

There is something about very large clouds that take on colors you will never be able to match gliding across the sky that makes me want to stop and stare. There is something about cold air and a shinning moon that makes me want to stay outside all night. Beauty. God's fingerprints. God. In the words of Chris Tomlin, "Still more awesome than I know."

There is something about being fulfilled, and being around those who need to be filled. God has that way about Him. His ways are planned, and are centered in His glory. How glorious He is to allow tears; to allow sorrow, to allow a sense of being lost. All these, that we might compare and see. That we might choose Him, for Him. For He is Good. All this, that we might know Good full and deep. I don't think I will ever get it completely right. I don't think I will ever know completely why. I do know that we don't need to hide who we are and what we are feeling. I do know that we don't need to try and be someone we are not because of other people. I do know that feelings are difficult to understand sometimes. Sometimes we can't give a reason why we are happy, sometimes we don't know why we are sad. Sometimes we can wish with all of our hearts to be one or the other, and are only given more time to be as we are.

I used to fight it. I literaly fought with myself on my way to school each day for weeks about being angry or sad. I fought myself thinking I should give it up to God so that I could be happy again, and I fought myself thinking I should be sad/angry. One day, I said the words and gave it to God. He lifted the clouds, and I found happiness.

Years later, I was fighting again. This time I was fighting to stay happy. I couldn't give, to be honest I never even considered it, my happiness to Him. I stopped, for a lot of it, giving Him my pain/anger/sorrow, instead I tucked it away at the bottom. I can say now that, if you fill your cup up with those, there isn't much room for a deep joy. Yep. My joy was pretty shallow. An abundance of shallowness, yes, but nothing compared to depths of the junk I piled up for "the sake of joy". I didn't know what words to say this time.

I found out this summer that it wasn't I, but He who needed to speak to my heart. It was hard for me; to be sad. I still don't know all how to do it. The funny thing about a broken heart is, things pierce it a lot deeper~including joy. God knows this, why do you think He can do His best work when we are broken? What made it more hard for me was being around people and not being happy. Coming back changed in that way was big for me, but now I see how good it is. Now I see what I have to offer people, if and when I am not happy. I can offer them tears, silence, prayers, hugs. I can offer my hands. I can offer my presense. I can offer them what I learned this summer. We can be sad. We can be happy. And we don't need any explination for either.