Sometimes I just have to remind myself I am not

And you have to take a detour. That is what I did to get here, in order to write. With the main link I use, my computer wasn't receiving any data. Silly dial up. Good times though. I feel drugged with food. I am sleepy. I had a salad from Quizno's. It was good, and though I never would have thought I would, I like their pepercorn ceasar dressing. Hmm, while on the subject of food and connecting myself to the cafe through ceasar dressing, eaten a lot when the chicken salad comes around, I wonder if you ask for a pack out you can get something to cook. Or, if you get enough people together, because it would be silly to send a raw piece of chicken off with just one person, if you could do so. It would be fun to try, something new for a change, and we wouldn't have to pay for much, just a few sides if we would like. Whatever, it has a good chance of being impossible. I don't know what to do with myself right now. Maybe I should read, but the reading I want to get done does something to me whenever I think about it. Maybe it is fear of diving into it, maybe it is the feeling of inadequacy, maybe it is laziness. It could be all three combined. It is like I am excited, but hesitant and weary all at the same time. I feel great whenever I actually do read it, and I think to myself how not so bad it was. Maybe it is all a mind game I play with myself, and a combination of being over ambitious. We shall see what happens.

Tomorrow-Cucumber Shots! House special.

Naps are sweet.

I just saw an interesting comercial.

It starts out with a guy putting a bunch of money on the seat of a mile truck while the driver is in the donut shop and walking off with around six gallon cartons of milk. The scene switches to a man carrying many cartons while walking his dog which has a bag on his back with more cartons. It follows with other men stocking up in the stores with cartons of milk.
Followed with something like this:
"Studies show that the calcium found in mile can help reduce the symptoms of PMS."
Next scene, man walks in the house with a bag full of milk cartons and two dozen roses, "Honey?"

Lol. Then I see the comercial for the book of mormon which sparked my interest. A woman walks into a cafe to meet a friend who asks her if she has done anything interesting in her life recently. the woman replies, "Actually yes I have. You've read the Bible right? Well, the book of mormon is a companion to the Bible." She goes on to tell her friend that the book has changed her life and how good she feels when she reads it, passing it on to her friend asking her to let her know what she thinks.

My experience with mormons isn't bad. They study harder than a lot of Christian's I know, and the ones I have known look to be nicer than a lot of Christian's set out to be.

If you could, pray for a family who just got burglarized and the mom got shot multiple times, including in in the head and had to be air lifted to the hospital, they don't know if she is going to make it.

This morning the great feeling one gets after waking up just before six and going out for an hour walk filled my soul. As I began I walked past the canal, full as can be, which served as a reflectant strip for the rising sun. I don't know of much better walking time than when the sun is rising at your shoulder. Sweet smells filled the air as I passed grass freshly watered and walked over dusty roads. Memories filled my head as I passed old familiar places. I came back, stretched and then took a nice, hot, longerthanIhavetakeninamonth-shower. It felt great. Now I am here, content with lots of water after a little breakfast ready for the day. Ready to take a nap too, but still-ready for the day. I have a show I will watch at 9 and then I will be ready to read/clean some more. It looks like there is going to be some great weather in San Jose today, I wish I was there, even if I have a blanket over me right now, I wont need it for long, and ten degrees makes all the difference. There is a good breeze going right now though, today is going to be a good day.

I have made progress. It is four o'clock now. There still seems to be a lot to do, including many loads of laundry. My dad is strange when he wakes up, am I that strange? Maybe I act that way when I am really tired or stressed + tired. Blah. That doesn't seem like a fun experience for any one else. Yucky. Grrr, I am so sleepy-yet not. I wasn't in as much of the organizing cleaning mood as I thought I was when I started this morning. I finally turned off the TV dad turned on at around 1. My head feels so much better with it off, though my dad said that he stopped watching TV, he hasn't and whenever I am home I end up watching so much TV it is rediculous. Some times I watch it because it is something to do, which makes me a bit sick to the head, and other times I end up watching it because I don't want to seem like I am shutting myself out from my dad when he is watching TV for the entire night. We shall see how it goes though. He said he watches less, maybe it will be better. Maybe I wont have to shut myself in my room to read a book, and will be able to read it out in the living room while he is home. Ha, maybe. Whatever, back to cleaning. Yay for baseball tonight. My pool is open, that makes me happy.

Clean. Move in. Sort through stuff and pick out what I wont be needing until I move again.

College is strange, you move a lot. At least twice a year. By the end, when people ask you how many times you have moved in your life (four years of college counted), you can say at least six-eight. Hopefully, by the last of your moving you are really good at knowing what you need and what you don't need. I think I am getting better. Each time I clean my room extensively at home I end up throwing away three-five large black bags of trash; I have to be getting down to the bare essentials by now. I am learning to let go, of more than just material possessions.

It is going to be an all day adventure to move in. It usually is for me as I take breaks to do things like this and to lay out on the floor just thinking through stuff. Tonight I will be going to a community base ball game with the church's team, and attend young adult's group at starbucks. So, I should get the cleaning done before then, because if I don't I will have to start all over again another day when it has become less clean and spend a whole other day moving in; it is just the way things happen with me. So I am off, counting down the hours until I get ready for the day (around 5-6 this evening :-)) and head off to the game.

So yes, I am sitting here writing when I should be going to bed because I am sleepy, it is 11, there is no good reason to stay up, and I want to wake up at 6 and go for a walk/jog. Good times. Today was fun. I ended up going to both Star Wars and the family "barbecue" which was really just a get together with food from somewhere else, and also got a barbecue at my pastor's house for lunch. I feel like I ate so much junk-like food with going to the movie's, searching through jelly bean flavors with my aunt and uncle's, and having dessert at grandma's-so, rightly so. The movie was okay, interesting-glad to be on the inside of the loop. The family time was great too, we had a competition to throw a frisbee for my uncle to catch as he dived off the diving board. Sleep time now though, good night all and happy dreams.

I have slowly been reading the back load of posts I have left myself until now because of school, and it seems you owe me a drink via your dad. Hehe, like I would ever cash in on that. I love it though. That will teach me to read blogs weeks later. I am so behind and out of the loop. Sad to miss your family, I would have loved to meet them but I hope you have the best of times, and that lunch with Laura, Seth and you all goes wonderful.

Magical weather. As I told a friend, it has been nicer here in the past day and a night than it has been in the past week at Biola, and it was supposed to get up to the 100's here. So happy about this welcome home weather. It made the dreading coming home dissapear. Tomorrow: church, a different feeling. I have drifted from being connected because of school, though I still have a friendship with people. I have lost my place there, and moved into a new one-not so involved, no constant, more reserved.

Today was great. I got ahold of a friend not too long after I posted, and I love that she was willing to go to 'Bucks, even when she had just woken up. So we went, talked a bit, hung out at her house, played around with the advised against idea of buying a hamster together to play with, went to the park to watch the mockrock video, fell asleep at her house watching a movie, went to dinner, then departed from her house for the night, her to her uncle's, me to home.

I am going to go see Star Wars tomorrow, and then go to the barbecue. Family permission. Hehe. I am surprised in ways how God has flipped things around in so many areas. Like in my class priorities, the amount of certain people being for and against me going to Africa, and the degree in which they are so, and the amount of classes I might come out on top in; even in people I draw near to.

So how great is it when you come home and none of your friends are in town? Not so great, but life will go on. I don’t know what I expected from my granny when I told her I was going to Africa still. I mean I knew she wasn’t for supporting it, which is why I didn’t even bother sending her a support letter or anything about the trip. Maybe the wrong thing to do, but I did it. The first thing she asked was if I was spending any of her money on the trip. Thankfully I could say no, and sadly I was forced to. Not that I need the money so much as I was hoping that we could have a family dinner, and I can include my grandpa in the communication. Anyways, maybe it is time for me to roam the town and see what else is new, besides the ton of 7 bedroom, $200,000 homes they put up in this small little town. I have a decision to make by tomorrow, should I go with my pastor and his eldest to see the newest Star Wars, or should I go to a family barbeque get together thing in honor of my cousin’s birthday party that no one could get down south to go to? Maybe I could fit in both, showing up most likely to the party a hour or so late?

Though I lived in a smaller amount of space all together at school, I don't know how I am going to fit all of this stuff in my room. Last night was wonderful. The only desire I had was to listen to worship music and have a conversation with God, while observing the beautiful sky full of stars. I decided against taking the car to a local park, considering my dad was already stressed enough to not sleep well I did not want to worry him with the car starting up and being gone, plus it was around nine when I was ready to do so, and I wasn't sure about going by myself to a park and hanging out for a while. So, I faced myself away from the lights and set up my chair (which I soon found was much more comfortable as far as star gazing goes when I layed it down and sat on the back with my back against the seat) and sat there in the presense of my Father. There was a soothing summers breeze blowing, which lifted my hair a bit as I let it down. It was soo nice. I stayed out there, singing along with the music, thinking through the semester, and worshiping my King until I was struck with the notion to go in. My dad woke me up around six so that we could return the rental car by seven. That was wonderful too. The sun rise, the summer morning air, how great is our God? Golden sunbeams shinning down, streaming into the car and the perfect temperature of air blowing through the open windows. It seemed so natural, like I just slipped into life here, playing loud Klove and Kduv as I followed my dad to the airport. I don't know what I will do today, most likely let some people know I am back in town and enjoy this day-what a day it already has been and it is only eight o'clock! I miss you people. You know I do, and I know that you miss us people too. Keep posting, I know I will.

~Internet addict.

Why am I here? By God's grace alone. The semester is over. I have grown with many friends for months now, and it seems as if I have known them for years, though I know I have only scratched the surface of who they are. A few memories I reflected on as I drove past the campus today on my way home:

Biggest Paper Airplane fight ever (hope your thumb is better!)
Tag in the movie theatre
Laser clock
Beach trip
Harbor house Cafe
Flying Rubber Chicken Ball
Laura's study break/friends to the rescue
Pillow fights
Saturday girl time
Philosopher's ball
Scarf dancing
Jerk status, and redemption from it
Ice skating, balloon catching, not following directions
Loads of ice cream
First power outage-Dollar Theatre movie night-extended deadlines
Mexico
Shopping with Razo
Late night girl party, 2 hours of sleep, fairwell to friends
All nighters
The grace of God
Amazing supporting friends
Laughter
Crying
Beauty

what am I missing?-eek I can't think!

You spend twenty four hours a day with people and you are bound to make some friends, and butt heads with all of them at least once along the line. That's what makes things so great, people are different, and yet they find a way to get along and use those differences for the better good.

One year down, eight more to go. What an amazing journey of life.

I don't know how things will be this summer, but I cannot worry about them, it is impossible. I am in love. With many things, and many people. I am in love with God. I am in love with who He is and what He does. I had a big ball of grace thrown at me, I can't even describe it. I felt closer to people today. I have noticed when I am sleepy tired, I just want to love people. But I noticed that after going through this semester, learning about people and learning about myself, I want to love people a lot of the time-tired or not. I threw away the restrictions. I don't think I should hold myself back from loving people. I fell in love again tonight. I am in love with love. I can't explain the feeling, but if you have felt it, you know you have and you know how good it is. God is good.

Maybe you could stop time
Hanging onto daylight, doesn't ever have to go away
I could sing a new song, maybe get the words wrong
But you know just what I wanna say
'Cause when you look at me
You know I still believe

I'm finding you
In everything that shines
I'm finding you
In between the lines
I'm finding you
You open up my eyes everytime
'Cause your love is so alive

When broken things are healed
And we may fly away
You'll make me sing
Everything is alright, everything is so bright
Yeah, your love is shining beautiful
Everyone is singing, everyone is dreaming
And I'm feeling so alive

I'm finding you
In everything that shines
I'm finding you
In between the lines
I'm finding you
You open up my eyes everytime
'Cause your love is so alive 

Don't act like I am all innocent, because I am not. For once do not act as though you have to wait until I leave to laugh about someone's inappropriate joke. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate it, I like to enjoy humor without completely feeling wrong at the end of the night. I am sick of Satan filling our heads and making it so easy to stay by his side. We know it is wrong, but the strength and effort it takes defeats many when they have whispers of how messed up things are already in their ears constantly and how "useless" it would be to try. Satan gets his way so easily when he messes with our own thoughts. He doesn't have to do much. I am tired of people talking so freely about having sex in the wrong context. I am sick of people playing around with the emotional aspects of doing wrong to one another. I am sick of the lack of sensitivity and lack of intelligence that society has developed towards topics like sex and drugs. I haven't been down the darkest of roads, by God's grace alone. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the experience of pain that a lot of my friends have, and I don't pretend to understand it at all. I do know pain though, and I have been down my share of dark roads. I have seen pain, and have felt it too. I know the feelings that people struggle with, thinking that they shouldn't be feeling that way. I have had them. I am sick of people condemning people for having them, and I am also sick of people encouraging those that are wrong-and they know it! What are we doing here?! Why are we accepting the action when we want to accept the person? Why is there such a lack of building each other up, and when we try to, why are we building each other up by accepting everything about them? Do we think we have to? We don't. I am heart broken for the pain I know many people have in their hearts, in their souls. That pain will take a lot to heal. One must choose healing though! I so often have seen my friends give up because of the difficulty of the journey. So many of those never try again! Lord how do I encourage them to fall into your arms again, as I cannot carry them, only you have the strength? We are children of God, how often we forget what that means! I have been down the road of distorted sexuality, the road of thrown away brain cells, and the road of breaking people down, instead of building them up. Heck, I still deal with it-and I know it will not go away for good. The power is gone though. I have someone who has won the battle for me. As hard as it has been. This is my story. You have your own. I can't make your life better, you can't either-only God can, but we can both make it worse. So often we choose to! Why? Because we are trapped by lies, trapped by the pain and manipulation. Only God can make our lives better, but we need to let Him. Some of you may disagree with a lot of what I am saying, and some of that disagreement is rightly so, but I don't think all of it will be. I read a friends blog today, as I read each comment I could feel the feelings that disguise themselves as good enough to enjoy and make you want more, at the same time I could feel my heart telling me how wrong that good feeling was, because I have tasted things so much sweeter. I don't know what to say but my heart was broken by the end, and as the tears flow down I pray that eyes will be opened . I can't tell you how much I love you people, and how much I desire for the power of those things you struggle with to be broken. The thing that hurt the most was the last comment, because it was from someone I know. Some one I know that hurts just as much as the one who wrote the blog. Yet she fell into the trap too. She accepted the action, instead of accepting the person. I know that nothing I say will fix things, and I know that the jokes and struggles and pain will continue on. I hope that this makes one of you think for even just a moment though. I can't make things better, as much as I would like to. I know you feel defeated by feeling like you can't make things better either. There is someone who can. There is no eraser for the mind, as much as I wish there were some times, but there is a defeater of the power that the thoughts have over us. I know my story is not yours. I don't wish it to be. My story has its own rocky paths and sharp corners. I am not innocent. I have chosen innocence. I choose to try to refrain from those things that bring back the darkness; those things that disguise themselves as bearers of never ending happiness. I may have become too conservative, but you know what? Sometimes I just don't think so.

God painted a picture on the sky this morning; with strokes of light and dabs of clouds.
God colored in the flowers today.
God found the perfect volume for the birds around me.
Oh to marvel at His handiwork and slip the day away.
But what an attitude to think that this be the only way.
So off I go to breakfast, to experience God's created flavor.
Off I go to class, to experience knowledge God has revealed.

Are you one like in The Village to pull away from those you love because you don't want them to know that you want to be close

OR

Are you one like in Run Away Bride who seeks after those you love no matter what?

So after the final, I was at an odd point. I liked the feelings I had. I walked rather slowly from class. I cannot believe I took that test, and actually had something to say. I felt like a college student once again. By God's grace I had been able to think logically through most of the test and I actually was able, which I was surprised by a few times throughout the test, to focus on my test, and nothing else.

So, wow, nothing really interesting to say. Like always.

Okay, this color thing rocks!
I feel like I should use every single color, but since I should study, it is a no go.
Well, TTYL folks, I am about to be run to the ground in Bible knowledge.
All my favorite colors together-yay!

Comparitively speaking I should by no means be going to bed right now.

A wise friend once told me not to live by comparison (making sense in my head right now).

Good night all.

Sorry if I offended you by speaking of you talking during the movie, I have been negative about it, realizing that even I talked in the movie. I appologize if I offended you, and for myself being negative about it.

I just realized I may have hurt another friend.

I don't know where it comes from. I wish that it wasn't there. I wish for just two minutes I could not be anti-social. I wish for two minutes I wasn't selfish. I wish for two minutes I was not harboring resentment for people around me who by no means deserve it. Two minutes, would be far too short. I can not handle it any more, summer is a welcomed break. Summer, however, is not the answer to the problem, as I learned last week. I need to surrender again, because giving it away once does not mean it is gone forever.

Thanks for the ride home Jason, it was great. You win, I totally did not see myself falling asleep. Keep the family cars running-whatever that may mean.

I don't feel so well, and yet every time I think about myself going to bed I feel even worse. It makes me sick to think of going to bed, in a serious manner. I might think about going to bed just for that reason, so that I will break that. My body is not happy with the sleep patterns I have made for myself. There are lots of things going through my head, I don't know what to do with them. By God's grace alone I will survive.

I don't know any more. I think that is okay.

So first of all I know I said in the first post I wouldn't use this until summer, but I find it to be helpful in lifting my mood, so I guess I wont wait. Second, I forgot what was irritating me, oh wait, okay I despise when I am faced with going to class or studying for an exam. I have two hours to study for it later today, and two hours right now-without skipping class. I am sure that I will need all four, and most likely more. If I go to class I will be with out a rough draft, and I can not see anything that we will meed to do besides that considering we have already taken the final test. The only reason to go to class is to get credit for attending, and I most likely need all of the credit I can get for that class. I will go, with the hopes that we end early, and with the thought of living in the now-instead of the later this afternoon. Heh. There is a duck that just flew in, I have to say I love this campus even more for the ducks that roam it freely. I guess I will not be checking much of xanga, that is what I will stay away from. I have let it go too long, that there is too much to absorb for the amount of time I can afford to spend on it. What are you looking at duck? It is coming closer. Hehe, I love it, I could care less if something that beautiful stared at me. Okay, here we go. I am out.

So I clicked this nifty button titled "next blog" or something like that, and I get this "Wedding Dresses Site 3," or something like that. It was great. I can find all I need to know about picking a wedding dress that will be perfect for me and my style. Kinda crazy. I don't get it, but maybe in seven to eight years I should come back and take a look.

I just created a blog (a blogger blog). Eek, I might be corrupted. I am such a conformist. I wont be using it much until summer starts. Finals, papers, work I should be doing but instead I am racing people to finish surveys and attacking people to pet their hair. Yes, you can say it, I am weird, and I know it. But I love it.