Sometimes I just have to remind myself I am not
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Birthdays
Birthdays are strange. I mean, they are great and all, don't get me wrong, sometimes they make me pause, and then eventually shake my head and laugh quietly.
Who knows, I might be surprised and get my second email from my granny passing on a happy birthday or something, maybe.
I got a call from my mother. That was, not strange, but as odd as it has ever been. Hmm, let's see, I haven't spoken/been in contact with her in a few months now, even then it was only a few lines in an email or a random phone call that was 2 minutes long, if that, at 7 in the morning. Yeah, I talk to her. I'd say even more now then ever, at least more than twice a year. Seeing her, that is a different story. But a lot of this is off track. It is great, but funny how when it is your birthday things change for a short while. Excitement for you is of abundance. Granted, the excitment grows as you move closer to the individual in relationship, but there is some there from everyone.
Hmm, that hasn't really consumed my mind lately. In fact, I am excited about my birthday, even if I suppress it. I think I want to suppress it to savor it and keep it close, all for me. I don't know why. What has consumed my mind, as it seems, is that even when you know that you are getting more than others it doesn't help you much in not wanting more. I have to say, I want more, and I almost come to tears as I continuously am not allowed it. I am a lot happier and awake than I have been in a long time, and that is a complete flip from my unsettledness that I experienced both in the beginning of last week and this only to be interupted some how by my going home, but I have this lingering desire. I felt like I was an observer of things, even that I was doing, happening at home. Like I was lost deep inside myself looking out, only to be found in a very calm state. I can't explain much of what is going on or what was going on in my head because psychology is hard. All I know is I want more, and I want to stop. It is much more difficult to stop when the only thing keeping you from more is...something I cannot find words for right now. *Sigh. Tears have not come to the brims, but weighed down my shoulders. Be near oh Lord, and let me run into your arms as the tears grow near. Let my head rest upon your shoulder as you whisper Truth into my ears.
Who knows, I might be surprised and get my second email from my granny passing on a happy birthday or something, maybe.
I got a call from my mother. That was, not strange, but as odd as it has ever been. Hmm, let's see, I haven't spoken/been in contact with her in a few months now, even then it was only a few lines in an email or a random phone call that was 2 minutes long, if that, at 7 in the morning. Yeah, I talk to her. I'd say even more now then ever, at least more than twice a year. Seeing her, that is a different story. But a lot of this is off track. It is great, but funny how when it is your birthday things change for a short while. Excitement for you is of abundance. Granted, the excitment grows as you move closer to the individual in relationship, but there is some there from everyone.
Hmm, that hasn't really consumed my mind lately. In fact, I am excited about my birthday, even if I suppress it. I think I want to suppress it to savor it and keep it close, all for me. I don't know why. What has consumed my mind, as it seems, is that even when you know that you are getting more than others it doesn't help you much in not wanting more. I have to say, I want more, and I almost come to tears as I continuously am not allowed it. I am a lot happier and awake than I have been in a long time, and that is a complete flip from my unsettledness that I experienced both in the beginning of last week and this only to be interupted some how by my going home, but I have this lingering desire. I felt like I was an observer of things, even that I was doing, happening at home. Like I was lost deep inside myself looking out, only to be found in a very calm state. I can't explain much of what is going on or what was going on in my head because psychology is hard. All I know is I want more, and I want to stop. It is much more difficult to stop when the only thing keeping you from more is...something I cannot find words for right now. *Sigh. Tears have not come to the brims, but weighed down my shoulders. Be near oh Lord, and let me run into your arms as the tears grow near. Let my head rest upon your shoulder as you whisper Truth into my ears.
Friday, November 25, 2005
The first picture of my new camera
No.
No. I did not come home with a box of books from the bookshop.
No. I did not spend over $1,000 today…in only three stores.
No. I did not buy a new camera that is 7.1MP.
No. I did not have a conversation about the letter my grandfather sent me with my granny.
No. She did not tell me that it was just a heat of the moment response that was not going to happen because he was going to take time and get over it; the it being the fact that he thought it was a form letter that I may have sent out to five others or whatever.
No. No. No. No, she did not tell me that she did not help the matter because she was upset with my saying in the letter that I was so blessed by God to be able to do the things I am doing.
NO. She did not tell me that she was upset and thought, “Well who does she think is paying the bills?” and, “Well that is just what she thinks now,” in response to me saying that.
And yes, I am lying. These things really happened today. Along with my attending a party for many people including my aunt for their birthdays and really didn’t talk to many people at all because they really are all connected so well, and I missed the age group by at least 8 years.
So, that was my day today. I pulled out my door key to unlock my house today. I take it as a sign that I want to go home. Really though, things aren’t that bad, they are just sad.
No. I did not spend over $1,000 today…in only three stores.
No. I did not buy a new camera that is 7.1MP.
No. I did not have a conversation about the letter my grandfather sent me with my granny.
No. She did not tell me that it was just a heat of the moment response that was not going to happen because he was going to take time and get over it; the it being the fact that he thought it was a form letter that I may have sent out to five others or whatever.
No. No. No. No, she did not tell me that she did not help the matter because she was upset with my saying in the letter that I was so blessed by God to be able to do the things I am doing.
NO. She did not tell me that she was upset and thought, “Well who does she think is paying the bills?” and, “Well that is just what she thinks now,” in response to me saying that.
And yes, I am lying. These things really happened today. Along with my attending a party for many people including my aunt for their birthdays and really didn’t talk to many people at all because they really are all connected so well, and I missed the age group by at least 8 years.
So, that was my day today. I pulled out my door key to unlock my house today. I take it as a sign that I want to go home. Really though, things aren’t that bad, they are just sad.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Thanksgiving
So, I got to my aunt’s house today and the moment I got here my cousin Max (six years old) came running out screaming so I picked him up and swung him around, twisting him upside down as we both screamed. It was great to see him. We proceeded to play air basketball in the living room, I think he won; it was a pretty close game. After that we had Taxco (Mexican food), which is exactly what I thought we might have. Of course, it was awkward to talk to my aunt, I didn’t really know what to talk to her about. I finally told her about Curtis, and she asked why I never told her about him before, and why I didn’t introduce him as my boyfriend. She, for some reason, believes that I should call and tell my family whenever anything in my life that can be called interesting by anyone happens. It is a strange idea I don't think I will be acting upon. She also asked why I didn’t have him come with us to Thanksgiving, since I am going to visit him for three weeks. Well, hmm. I think it is too late now. And I think that God is working. I love it when He works. Max and I played hide and seek for a while; it was great. We both got scared a bit, and I even scared my aunt. Now? Now we are watching a soldier movie (of course) called “North and South.” It is actually pretty good, and has bunch of big actors and actresses; who, I have no idea. You have to love him, and since I know that adding this to the quote board might confuse people because they don't know who he is, here is my favorite quote from him so far:
“I like Cold Mountain. That’s my favorite! I like the kissing part!” ~Max
And to think he wanted his mom to turn the radio station when the song "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mirmaid came on.
********************************************************************************************
That was last night. Today is Turkey Day. My dad told me not to worry about coming out to his parent's and said to stay with my mom's side (and no, my mom was not there-she never is). So I did just that, and thanked God that my grandma offered to take me home at last when they started to leave, because I noticed that my aunt and uncle weren't budging yet and I was ready to leave. The car ride up wasn't that bad at all, it wasn't all that comfortable, but the driving went well as far as I could tell. There were a few accidents that clogged up the freeway here and there, but other than that the traffic was significantly better than yesterday. So, I have gotten to see my family on one side, I have seen my dad, and now I have talked to a very handsom man that I happen to be in love with. My night is going well. To add to it, I got to talk to Jeremy and Jason, and then Jenny, Gina, and Allie via Gina came on! How blessed my night is. To top it all off, God is good! I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. Early being right around midnight. So, Happy Thanksgiving all, and may you not be mobbed if you decide to go shopping on Black Friday.
“I like Cold Mountain. That’s my favorite! I like the kissing part!” ~Max
And to think he wanted his mom to turn the radio station when the song "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mirmaid came on.
********************************************************************************************
That was last night. Today is Turkey Day. My dad told me not to worry about coming out to his parent's and said to stay with my mom's side (and no, my mom was not there-she never is). So I did just that, and thanked God that my grandma offered to take me home at last when they started to leave, because I noticed that my aunt and uncle weren't budging yet and I was ready to leave. The car ride up wasn't that bad at all, it wasn't all that comfortable, but the driving went well as far as I could tell. There were a few accidents that clogged up the freeway here and there, but other than that the traffic was significantly better than yesterday. So, I have gotten to see my family on one side, I have seen my dad, and now I have talked to a very handsom man that I happen to be in love with. My night is going well. To add to it, I got to talk to Jeremy and Jason, and then Jenny, Gina, and Allie via Gina came on! How blessed my night is. To top it all off, God is good! I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. Early being right around midnight. So, Happy Thanksgiving all, and may you not be mobbed if you decide to go shopping on Black Friday.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Hmm
The beauty of the choreographed dance between sunlight of the setting sun and fall colored leaves of a tree has profound depth.
And then the wind blows to add it's grand addition to the "ballet". (Or did I mean battle?)
And then the wind blows to add it's grand addition to the "ballet". (Or did I mean battle?)
Sunday, November 13, 2005
"blue health alarm"
I think if we had blue health alarms in today's rooms it would have gone off a few times today around me. My heart rate has risen at least three times to a very high rate due to fright. It takes a while for my, as they say, heart to come down from my throat.
In other news I am getting right back into my first semester groove of being absolutely repulsed by the thought of sleep and yet shoving it upon myself like a child shoves veggies down his or her throat only when told to do so by the threat of never leaving the table, getting dessert and/or more veggies on top of the pile on his or her plate.
But, the greatest news of all, news that makes my soul smile, sing, and dance, I am going to Colorado this winter. If it be God's will I will be spending three weeks. I will certainly need to be careful, but I can't help but be so excited. Okay, I need to go now. Waking up at four requires me to go to sleep. Night all.
In other news I am getting right back into my first semester groove of being absolutely repulsed by the thought of sleep and yet shoving it upon myself like a child shoves veggies down his or her throat only when told to do so by the threat of never leaving the table, getting dessert and/or more veggies on top of the pile on his or her plate.
But, the greatest news of all, news that makes my soul smile, sing, and dance, I am going to Colorado this winter. If it be God's will I will be spending three weeks. I will certainly need to be careful, but I can't help but be so excited. Okay, I need to go now. Waking up at four requires me to go to sleep. Night all.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Wednesday nap
So I was falling asleep in my class this morning and decided I would go and take a nap instead of attend chapel. It was at that point I once again wished I had a lecture giver on hand so that I could fall asleep easier. Of course, I had nothing to worry about because I was genuinely tired today and fell asleep to the sound of the Celtic Woman CD. Four hours later I my body finally said it was stale enough to wake up.
I had a strange dream in the end:
We boarded a triple bus (three decks) and I proceeded to find a seat on the second level. Well, I wanted a plug for my computer and there were many to choose from so I tried to find the best area that I could spread out in and not bother any one. I found, as I looked around, that there were chairs and couches in the bus as well as public bus style seats and both the couches and chairs looked much like the ones we have here in Sigma. The last thing I can remember about the dream is seeing different people sitting in various seats and, still without a seat, me being asked by an old man sitting down if the sign next to one of the seats across the way had a sticker that read November Tour.
Before that I was at a benefit that gave out lots of snacks and candy and I, after the event was done and seeing the candy/snacks being wrapped up in assortment in flats with Saran wrap, asked the woman in charge if I could take a few things home with me only to find out, as she had told me once before, that she saved everything for the next month's benefit. My mastermind began to take inventory of all of the things that would go bad before the next month so that I could devise a list of things she might in fact let me have in spite of that fact. I don't think I ever got to take anything home, I think the guy in charge was the one who normally took those things home.
If I remember correctly there was one dream where I was in the well done, multipurpose garage of a some-what wealthy person. I don't really know what I was doing there.
So, now I have an hour before I should leave for work, and then dinner. It's Wednesday. Sometimes I feel numb to the week's passing. We only have five weeks left. That means I have about seven weeks until I go to Colorado. Wow. Brandi comes next week, and I see my dad as well. I am excited for her to finally meet everyone here. It will be a good break, hopefully, from her school life. I think I might go read. Or send all of the random letters I have written to Brandi in classes.
I had a strange dream in the end:
We boarded a triple bus (three decks) and I proceeded to find a seat on the second level. Well, I wanted a plug for my computer and there were many to choose from so I tried to find the best area that I could spread out in and not bother any one. I found, as I looked around, that there were chairs and couches in the bus as well as public bus style seats and both the couches and chairs looked much like the ones we have here in Sigma. The last thing I can remember about the dream is seeing different people sitting in various seats and, still without a seat, me being asked by an old man sitting down if the sign next to one of the seats across the way had a sticker that read November Tour.
Before that I was at a benefit that gave out lots of snacks and candy and I, after the event was done and seeing the candy/snacks being wrapped up in assortment in flats with Saran wrap, asked the woman in charge if I could take a few things home with me only to find out, as she had told me once before, that she saved everything for the next month's benefit. My mastermind began to take inventory of all of the things that would go bad before the next month so that I could devise a list of things she might in fact let me have in spite of that fact. I don't think I ever got to take anything home, I think the guy in charge was the one who normally took those things home.
If I remember correctly there was one dream where I was in the well done, multipurpose garage of a some-what wealthy person. I don't really know what I was doing there.
So, now I have an hour before I should leave for work, and then dinner. It's Wednesday. Sometimes I feel numb to the week's passing. We only have five weeks left. That means I have about seven weeks until I go to Colorado. Wow. Brandi comes next week, and I see my dad as well. I am excited for her to finally meet everyone here. It will be a good break, hopefully, from her school life. I think I might go read. Or send all of the random letters I have written to Brandi in classes.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Happity Birthday to you:
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I'm sorry.
I am sorry that your heart is stretched,
so far from confusion.
I am sorry that your life is stressed,
really full of tension.
I am sorry that I say I am sorry, when I can't do anything to fix it.
I am sorry that things are going this way, but know that you are loved.
All I can offer is an open hand, a willing heart, my prayers, and my love.
so far from confusion.
I am sorry that your life is stressed,
really full of tension.
I am sorry that I say I am sorry, when I can't do anything to fix it.
I am sorry that things are going this way, but know that you are loved.
All I can offer is an open hand, a willing heart, my prayers, and my love.
Friday, November 04, 2005
What am I doing?
I am currently sitting the composer's lab, using my computer for warmth as I sit here wrapped in a jacket in a room set at 72 degrees, listening to a bit of the music critique going on in the hall through the microphone but focusing more on the sounds coming from the other room. A piano is being played, and the timeless music of Nat King Cole reaches my ears. "Unforgettable..." Oh what it must have been like to hear him live. The beauty of a music building reaches my soul. Trumpets here, piano there. Singers then, violins now. How beautiful the music is now, and how much more beautiful it will be in heaven when we all come together to praise our King for eternity.
Well, I am going to be off now as my neck is sore from looking down at the screen. Good times.
Well, I am going to be off now as my neck is sore from looking down at the screen. Good times.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
I love the bookstore.
Sure; there are times when it gets crazy. You've got phones ringing, internet orders coming in for a California overnight, and about ten people in line who either don't have their money ready or pay with a credit card on file that their parents forgot to tell them had expired.
But then there are days like today. Rather slow, and in fact, quite boring. It's days like these that you get to sit back and watch. Watch people like the three working at the register. A circle of laughter and smiles while one reads, How to Rescue Your Love Life. Then there is the back desk. That's where I was today. We try to keep two people at the back desk at all times. The one who worked with me was rather entertaining as she jumped three feet in the air when I came up behind her to poke her sides. I entertained myself for a bit imagining the bear sitting on top of the cash register was suddenly hit off by a flying object. That was fun.
But then there are days like today. Rather slow, and in fact, quite boring. It's days like these that you get to sit back and watch. Watch people like the three working at the register. A circle of laughter and smiles while one reads, How to Rescue Your Love Life. Then there is the back desk. That's where I was today. We try to keep two people at the back desk at all times. The one who worked with me was rather entertaining as she jumped three feet in the air when I came up behind her to poke her sides. I entertained myself for a bit imagining the bear sitting on top of the cash register was suddenly hit off by a flying object. That was fun.
I can't wait
I can't wait until I get to not sleep. I can't wait until my body or my calendar says it is okay for me to stay awake so I can read and write and think and plan. I must wait though. Isn't it funny that the things we think we can't wait for take the longest?
Good night all.
Good night all.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Love
There is something about being in love that I just can't get used to. I think that is what continually makes it exciting.
Right now I am so tired I didn't know what to do with myself when I got in the room, but if God lets me love him tomorrow I want to write more on my thoughts tonight later.
Right now I am so tired I didn't know what to do with myself when I got in the room, but if God lets me love him tomorrow I want to write more on my thoughts tonight later.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
quiz day!
BUTTERFLY EYES
You have Butterfly
Eyes!
Positive Traits: Thoughtful,
Intelligent, Humble, Clever, Open
Minded
Negative Traits: Elitist,
Conceited, Apathetic, Cold, Sarcastic
Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla