Sometimes I just have to remind myself I am not
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Birthdays
Birthdays are strange. I mean, they are great and all, don't get me wrong, sometimes they make me pause, and then eventually shake my head and laugh quietly.
Who knows, I might be surprised and get my second email from my granny passing on a happy birthday or something, maybe.
I got a call from my mother. That was, not strange, but as odd as it has ever been. Hmm, let's see, I haven't spoken/been in contact with her in a few months now, even then it was only a few lines in an email or a random phone call that was 2 minutes long, if that, at 7 in the morning. Yeah, I talk to her. I'd say even more now then ever, at least more than twice a year. Seeing her, that is a different story. But a lot of this is off track. It is great, but funny how when it is your birthday things change for a short while. Excitement for you is of abundance. Granted, the excitment grows as you move closer to the individual in relationship, but there is some there from everyone.
Hmm, that hasn't really consumed my mind lately. In fact, I am excited about my birthday, even if I suppress it. I think I want to suppress it to savor it and keep it close, all for me. I don't know why. What has consumed my mind, as it seems, is that even when you know that you are getting more than others it doesn't help you much in not wanting more. I have to say, I want more, and I almost come to tears as I continuously am not allowed it. I am a lot happier and awake than I have been in a long time, and that is a complete flip from my unsettledness that I experienced both in the beginning of last week and this only to be interupted some how by my going home, but I have this lingering desire. I felt like I was an observer of things, even that I was doing, happening at home. Like I was lost deep inside myself looking out, only to be found in a very calm state. I can't explain much of what is going on or what was going on in my head because psychology is hard. All I know is I want more, and I want to stop. It is much more difficult to stop when the only thing keeping you from more is...something I cannot find words for right now. *Sigh. Tears have not come to the brims, but weighed down my shoulders. Be near oh Lord, and let me run into your arms as the tears grow near. Let my head rest upon your shoulder as you whisper Truth into my ears.
Who knows, I might be surprised and get my second email from my granny passing on a happy birthday or something, maybe.
I got a call from my mother. That was, not strange, but as odd as it has ever been. Hmm, let's see, I haven't spoken/been in contact with her in a few months now, even then it was only a few lines in an email or a random phone call that was 2 minutes long, if that, at 7 in the morning. Yeah, I talk to her. I'd say even more now then ever, at least more than twice a year. Seeing her, that is a different story. But a lot of this is off track. It is great, but funny how when it is your birthday things change for a short while. Excitement for you is of abundance. Granted, the excitment grows as you move closer to the individual in relationship, but there is some there from everyone.
Hmm, that hasn't really consumed my mind lately. In fact, I am excited about my birthday, even if I suppress it. I think I want to suppress it to savor it and keep it close, all for me. I don't know why. What has consumed my mind, as it seems, is that even when you know that you are getting more than others it doesn't help you much in not wanting more. I have to say, I want more, and I almost come to tears as I continuously am not allowed it. I am a lot happier and awake than I have been in a long time, and that is a complete flip from my unsettledness that I experienced both in the beginning of last week and this only to be interupted some how by my going home, but I have this lingering desire. I felt like I was an observer of things, even that I was doing, happening at home. Like I was lost deep inside myself looking out, only to be found in a very calm state. I can't explain much of what is going on or what was going on in my head because psychology is hard. All I know is I want more, and I want to stop. It is much more difficult to stop when the only thing keeping you from more is...something I cannot find words for right now. *Sigh. Tears have not come to the brims, but weighed down my shoulders. Be near oh Lord, and let me run into your arms as the tears grow near. Let my head rest upon your shoulder as you whisper Truth into my ears.
Posted by ~Jace : 6:58 PM : 
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