Sometimes I just have to remind myself I am not

I know, there's a lot

2006-07-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

So, this is my sister's dad's mid-life hobby. Yeah, you know you wish you had one; especially to get to that one class across campus.

Tomorrow

2006-06-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

I'm going to NY.
Then to Germany.

Then to Africa.

Heck yes.

The buzz begins (repost for some)

2006-03-24T22:30:00.000-08:00

As the date approaches for the Equality Ride's visit, the buzz is beginning around campus. Letters were sent out to all of the students today stating that Biola is letting them on campus and hoping to provide a peaceful environment by only allowing closed sessions for select members of the Biola campus to dialogue with the members of the Equality Ride. I don't know. I guess it is a great way to try and keep the extremists out of their hair, I know a lot of people who are very willing to dialogue with them however, and it seems like they might not get that chance. At least it seems like the group will have a better welcoming than at Liberty, Dr. Cook, as far as we know, isn't calling a task force to arrest them as soon as they step on campus and start their speeches.

You can read about their expreience as they have traveled around the country to schools on their itenerary to spread the view of their motto "Learn from History - End Spiritual Violence." here: www.equalityride.com

I personally am somewhat sad, though I appreciate Biola's precautions, that the sessions are going to be closed. Well, maybe I will try and keep a running update on the campus buzz. Until then be sure to check out their site and read a little about them.

2006-02-25T21:46:00.000-08:00

...she sits there on her bed reading the news as tears swell in her eyes, "God bless the country, bless the people Lord. Heal them. Thirty-three is too young to die. Father save them. Don't you want them Lord? Can't you do something?"

"They don't want me, my child."

Heck yes for customer service:

2006-02-12T17:41:00.000-08:00

To: jlillie32@yahoo.com
Subject: Jace - Your CD Baby Order! (#1178866)
From: "CD Baby loves Jace"

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with
sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure
it was in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over
the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money
can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party
marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of
Portland waved 'Bon Voyage!' to your package, on its way to you, in
our private CD Baby jet on this day, Sunday, February 12th.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did.
Your picture is on our wall as 'Customer of the Year'. We're all
exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you once again,

Derek Sivers, president, CD Baby
the little CD store with the best new independent music
phone: 1-800-448-6369 email: cdbaby@cdbaby.com
http://cdbaby.com

Today I might not be a vacuum user

2006-01-29T10:03:00.000-08:00

In the first thirty seconds of powerful roaring life with my new Dirt Devil vacuum, it shut off-and won't turn back on.

Possible Reasons from the manual:

1. Power cord not firmly plugged into outlet. (I don't think that is the problem)
2. Blown fuse or tripped breaker. (That wouldn't surprise me due to the overwhelming blow of such a small machine, it literally took off when I took it on, ,and the body is about the size of a cat)
Or 3. Needs service. (This would be typical in my case. All that I bought last semester in the area of home improvement [aka, couch, ottoman, and vacuum] have shown signs of help wanted, or in other words are broken)

**Update**
Though I have yet to make completely sure that my outlet is actually still working, I have found that no amount of resetting, or securing the plug has done me any good in my attempts to revive the roaring machine. Llama face indeed.

Because I had a little free time...

2006-01-21T17:28:00.000-08:00

You Are a Soy Latte

At your best, you are: free spirited, down to earth, and relaxed

At your worst, you are: dogmatic and picky

You drink coffee when: you need a pick me up, and green tea isn't cutting it

Your caffeine addiction level: medium

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Your Scholastic Strength Is Inspiring Others

You are great at developing a vision, and getting others to adopt your way of thinking.
You are talented at leading, balancing tasks, and helping people work together.

You should major in:

Counseling
Environmental studies
Law
Social work
Political science
Nursing

What Should You Major In?

You Are 27 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

19 Hall.doc

2006-01-09T10:48:00.000-08:00

Now, I found this while I was doing my semesterly clean up of my document files and seeing as how a number of people use my computer, I have no real idea of where it came from. I thought it might be good to post though (I just hope no one is mad, offended, or wronged by my doing so):

The World Is Too Much With Us

Presented By Mercedes Hall

“Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him” (I John 2.15). Notice the word things. How often the world encroaches upon daily life, many times sending it into a tailspin, turning it topsy-turvy, and bringing chaos and confusion to an otherwise ordered state of existence. Why does this occur? What is the payoff? What is in it for a person? Luke best asks the question when he writes, “For what is a man advantaged, if he gain the whole world, and lose himself, or be cast away?” (Luke 9.25). Many times these scriptures are used to portray a person’s association with worldly pleasures and activities, but they can also refer to materialism and the gathering of “I want” things to our bosom. Matthew, Mark, and John sound the same warning of clear and present danger to anyone whose thinking becomes clouded by materialism.
Materialism has a way of sneaking into hearts and lives and “burrowing down” for a long stay. This unwelcome visitor slowly begins to tarnish everything it touches, including our relationship with God. Warnings are not weakened nor “watered-down” when scriptures admonish man to give strict heed to his spiritual condition. Peter exhorts all to “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour…” (I Pet. 5.8). Satan tries to attack every aspect of our human make-up, looking for that “Achilles’ heel” in a moment of unguarded weakness of “I want.” He will attack us emotionally, spiritually, and physically. If he does not succeed in those areas, he will try to come through the door of materialism. The Apostle Paul cautions a person to “Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth” (Col. 3.2).
Notice the word things. The world is too much with us. Do we ever stop long enough to ask, “Why?” The rich young ruler who comes to Jesus asks what he must do to inherit eternal life. After hearing the Lord’s answer to sell what he had and give to the poor, this rich young ruler goes away “sad” because he has “great possessions” (Mark 10.22). The world is too much a part of his life; he has too many possessions that mean too much to him. His affections are too set on the things of this world. What do his possessions profit him? He chooses materialism over a relationship that would culminate in eternal life. Never is he heard of again in scripture, and we are left with the picture of a very sorrowful young man who has too much of the world with him.
Satan desires to entangle humanity within a web of deceit many times by way of a three-prong attack which encompasses the spiritual, emotional, and physical make-up of man: the pride of life, the lust of the eyes, and the lust of the flesh. John states that these three things are of the world (I John 2.16). Every person has a measure of pride evident by the need to be accepted, the yearning for status, and the desire for success. These are all legitimate issues of life, but trouble arises when the Holy Ghost does not guide these issues. When a man gathers “things” to himself for the main purpose of achieving status among his peers so that his peers might consider him successful and thereby give him an exalted status, the world is too much with him. The ancient Greeks called this pride hubris. Hubris is that pride which causes a person to uplift himself or place himself above others. Paul warns the believer “not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think…” (Rom. 12.3); he continues by saying, “If a man think himself to be something…he deceiveth himself” (Gal. 6.3).
The king of Tyrus, Nebuchadnezzar, and Belshazzar are good examples of the consequences of pride and thinking too much of themselves. God pronounces judgment upon the king of Tyrus who sets his heart as the heart of God. By “great wisdom and…traffick” this king increases his riches, lifts his heart up because of those riches, and aspires to the status of god (Ezek. 28.1-9). His kingdom will be given to Nebuchadnezzar, king of Babylon. How ironic that approximately twenty years later, Nebuchadnezzar exhibits the same hubris when he asks, “Is not this [the] great Babylon that I have built … by my mighty power and for the honor of my majesty?” (Dan. 4.30). Because of hubris (thinking that he has accomplished this by himself), God removes Nebuchadnezzar from his kingdom, and Nebuchadnezzar spends the next seven years of his life living as a beast of the field. Belshazzar, Nebuchadnezzar’s grandson and later king of Babylon, increases his coffers with the golden vessels from the temple at Jerusalem and then proceeds to desecrate these vessels by using them as drinking cups. Belshazzar, who was well acquainted with his grandfather’s judgment, is accused of lifting himself up against the Lord of heaven and loses his kingdom that very night. These three rulers certainly thought more of themselves than they should have. The church of the Laodiceans is another example of materialism out of control. This body of believers receives a very sharp rebuke because they are so focused on their possessions and believe themselves “rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing…” (Rev. 3.17) that they lose sight of the basic requirement of God which is to “do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God” (Mic. 6.8). The gathering of things to our bosom is definitely not always a safe thing to do. We must be careful lest the world be too much with us.
Who can say with certainty that Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” against which he sought the Lord “thrice” was not a desire for status and success? His effectiveness and influence in spreading the gospel was second to none. Paul acknowledged that he “would desire to glory,” but in the very next breath he said that he “shall not be a fool” (II Cor. 12.6). Surely if anyone had the bragging rights to status and success, he certainly did. His upbringing was one of affluence as evidenced by his level of education and his level of political and religious clout. Paul was as much at ease in the presence of Roman rulers as he was Jewish religious leaders. He certainly could have harbored such a desire, but he understood the dangers of such thinking; instead he chose to be a servant of Jesus Christ (II Cor. 12.9). Paul’s attitude underscores a research study done by Robert Arkin, a psychology professor from Ohio State University. Arkin’s study shows that people with chronic self-doubt are more consumed with owning possessions because “owning a lot of things proves they are successful…They are interested in possessions because of their meaning [and] the status those possessions confer” (USA Today). Anyone who has ever studied the life of Paul and read his epistles knows that Paul definitely did not have a problem with self-doubt. With the grace of God guiding his heart, any desire for status and success held no temptation for Paul because he knew in whom he believed (II Tim. 1.12).
A measure of lust of the eyes exposes itself by the need for things. A person sees something and decides that the item is a “must have.” When circumstances demand that Abraham and Lot’s families separate, Abraham allows Lot to choose his location first and Abraham will take the other direction. Lot sees the well-watered plains and decides to settle there because that land would benefit his possessions most and give him greater gain. His choice is based on “I want” materialism, and that factor brings dire consequences to him and his family. Achan is not satisfied to obey Joshua’s instructions. He sees an opportunity to increase his possessions and evidently never considers any consequences for his disobedience. Achan’s actions cause Israel’s defeat at the battle of Ai immediately following a great victory at Jericho. When confronted with his sin, Achan confesses, “When I saw, …I coveted …and took…” Not only did Achan’s action affect his countrymen, but also those actions cost the lives of his innocent family. King Ahab, wanting to expand his own vineyard, sees and desires Naboth’s vineyard. When Naboth refuses to sell the vineyard, Ahab tells his wife about the situation, and she then proceeds to take matters in her own hands. By allowing his wife to take care of the situation, he becomes a partner to her actions. Ahab brings judgment from God upon himself by being a partner to the act of murder to obtain property to which he has no right. The world was too much with Lot, with Achan, and with Ahab. If a person subscribes to the "logic" of carnal thinking, possessions should bring happiness; but Solomon (who should have been the happiest person on earth if that thinking is correct) in his wisdom affirms that when he surveyed all that his hands had done and what he had toiled to achieve, everything was vanity or meaningless (Eccles. 2).
People demonstrate a measure of lust of the flesh by supporting or giving in to a feeling of self-gratification concerning the things they possess. Adam and Eve have the perfect home, but the opportunity to become as a god presents itself and is stronger than their desire to obey the commandment of God. Adam and Eve’s self-gratification brings sin and death upon the entire human race (Rom. 5.1). Esau chooses instant gratification over his future birthright. Maybe he believes his future possessions (as first born) are of no value to him at the present but will probably still be available when the time comes to claim them; however, events prove otherwise when Esau loses his birthright to Jacob. His moment of self-gratification was not so gratifying when he realizes that he has lost his birthright (Heb. 12.16). The Lord admonishes the Israelites because, when they return from captivity, they are so preoccupied with their own pursuits and with increasing their own possessions that they fail to make any kind of plans to rebuild the Lord’s house, which lies in waste (Hag. 1.4-6). They never reach the place of having enough of their own to be satisfied and thus turn their focus toward spiritual things. The world was too much with them. The certain rich man has so much that he has to build greater barns to accommodate his possessions, and he says to himself, “Soul, thou hast much goods laid up for many years; take thine ease, eat, drink, and be merry” (Luke 12:19). This man is so full of what he has accomplished and acquired (by himself) that he never gives thought to thanking God for any increase that he has experienced. God calls the rich man a fool and summons his soul to judgment that night (Luke 12:20).
The Bible is not the only place to find warnings about the dangers of amassing “things” for the wrong reasons; some works of literature also speak plainly concerning materialism and its ill-effects. Literature commonly echoes biblical truths. Not only did “holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost” (II Pet. 1.21), but Job declares “there is a spirit in man: and the inspiration of the Almighty giveth them understanding” (Job 32.8). Such understanding is evident in secular writers such as the English poet, William Wordsworth who has much to say about the negative effects of materialism.
Romanticism literature was a rebellious outcry against the cold, rational scientific thinkers and writers of the Age of Reason. William Wordsworth, commonly accepted as the father of Romanticism, believed that “science nurtured materialist values through its accumulation of facts about the physical world and disguised the importance of the natural world for human life” (Taylor). The intellectual thinkers of the Age of Reason were losing sight of the spiritual side of life; the world was too much with them.
Many of Wordsworth’s poems are founded on his own life and his interpretation of it (Watson 1). As a young man, he held an idealistic philosophy of life and believed that given the right circumstances, people would always choose to do whatsoever was right. Upon graduation from college, he felt that if he did not have all the answers for the ills of the world, he at least had enough of them to make an impact on his immediate world. Little did he know that the real world, rather than waiting for a formal introduction, was lying in wait for the young, naïve Wordsworth, much like the hunter stalking his prey, waiting for that one moment that would give the hunter the advantage.
After graduating from Cambridge in 1791, Wordsworth visited France where the common people were beginning to revolt against the rich aristocracy. Wordsworth embraced the thinking of some of the revolutionary sympathizers who despised corruption and poverty and who sought a time when men could live in “liberty and brotherhood and the world would be a better place” (Watson 2). During Wordsworth’s year in France, he saw much violence and bloodshed; and upon his return to England, he became painfully confused when his patriotism toward his country conflicted with his hope for the Revolution and a better society. He became impatient with the English who criticized the French, and he lashed out against “the baleful influence of aristocracy and nobility upon human happiness and virtue” and defended the revolutionary use of force in order to gain liberty (Watson 3). The next several years became a proving ground for Wordsworth’s idealistic philosophy, but ultimately his idealism experienced its demise. He became vocal concerning his hatred of “inherited rank and wealth, of rich clergy . . .“ (Watson 3). He began to move from an idealistic state of mind to one of isolation, solitude, and confused frustration. The inner braces (the answers for the ills of the world) he thought secure and stable crumbled and left him disillusioned, bitter, and more important, empty. During his trip to France, his subsequent return to England, and his divided loyalties and confused state of mind, he learned that some of his thinking needed adjusting. Observing that society had become too embroiled in things of the world “getting and spending,” Wordsworth penned the poem, “The World Is Too Much With Us.” The message of this nineteenth century poem is still relevant for today’s society. People become too enmeshed in “getting and spending” and amassing “things” that they lose sight of the most important part of life – their spiritual health.
Wordsworth set about rebuilding his inner braces, and one by one the new mental and emotional braces replaced those that had been destroyed with stronger ones. Immature, impatient, and impulsive thoughts were replaced with mature thoughts. Wordsworth passed through, overcame, and left behind the inner conflicts that tormented him. His perceptions of Man, Nature, and Society reached maturity (Bernbaum 84). The voice of inexperience now spoke with experience. Whereas his earlier poetry showed a side-by-side uncomfortable existence between man and nature, with the waning of his idealism, he began to reflect on humankind’s interaction with nature, the purpose of human life, its good and evil, its joy and sorrow, and the recognition that humankind not only experiences enjoyments, but “often has to suffer hardship and misery” (Watson 8). Of primary concern to Wordsworth is the “truth of the human heart” which underscores the truth that, at times, man has ears, but he does not hear; he has eyes, but he does not see; and his heart neither feels nor understands. Wordsworth begins to see that “the world is too much with us.”
What caused this change in his thinking – from idealism to despair to peace? The same eyes that once looked on external objects with little thought of internal make-up, now focused on the internal aspect of the external, and sees miracles that cause inspiration to spring forth (Hazlitt 703). In short, Wordsworth had a spiritual awakening and now believed that if man is to discern the deeper truths of life, he can do so only through communion with nature (Bernbaum 90) which also entails a return to a simpler lifestyle. William Wordsworth felt he now had a message for those who have experienced and will experience great despair. Wordsworth believed a poet should never write about anything unless it has actually been “felt by himself… it must be authentic” (Bernbaum 98). A return to a “simple life,” a humble and rustic life, and a bonding with nature heals man’s wounded outlook on life. As he now revered nature, he felt contempt for materialism. Through the ill effects of materialism, humankind has lost the perspective of life that can be regained only through a personal bonding with nature by returning to a simpler life.
This simple life occurs not in the city but rather in the country. According to Wordsworth, rational life easily becomes lost in the chaotic submersion of mass humanity that is found only in the city. The accumulation of people in cities and the constant need for adjustments keep the mental state of a person in constant exhaustion (Lacey 78). Added to the mental turmoil, evils such as greed, pride, and dishonest ambitions are the direct results of a lack of a simple life and being away from nature (Lacey 74). City life creates certain pressures that are not present in country life. Materialism becomes a monster that preys on people. The more they see, the more they want. The more they want, the more they have to work to acquire the things they see. The more they work, the less time they have to focus on a healthy spiritual relationship which keeps them in balance with God and the world. Materialism now controls their lives. “Getting and spending” becomes the common anthem. Rational life falls by the wayside, and the statement, “We have given our hearts away” reflects that matters of the heart are now controlled by some other entity (“The World Is Too Much With Us”). People have given their hearts as a gift to materialism in return for tangible and momentary frivolities. Only by a return to a calm, simple way of life can man be restored to a rational state. When a person leaves the desire for success, status, and the need to own things behind him and becomes reacquainted with himself {through the Holy Ghost} and gives his heart to that which is intangible but everlasting, then is he able to comprehend the artificiality and shallowness of materialism.
According to Wordsworth, the greatest injustice of humanity is committed by man against himself. This injustice is such a complete absorption with materialistic living that man no longer enjoys the life he has been given. Man is so busy “getting and spending” and seeing to his outer self while the inner man is waning and slowly losing strength. Wordsworth believes that the inner strength of a man is the major brace of human life. When that brace deteriorates, all other inner braces collapse and leave man an empty shell. Once man becomes an empty shell, he has two choices. He can remain an empty shell and retreat within himself, withdrawing from society completely; or he can start rebuilding the collapsed braces, taking greater care the second time around. If a man chooses the latter option, he can be assured of a long, uphill climb because he will have to totally rethink and reshape his values concerning materialism; however, if he perseveres and reaches the top of the summit, his reward will be so great that all thoughts of hardship will be forgotten. What awaits him at the “top of the mountain?” Wordsworth states so eloquently in his poem “Composed upon Westminster Bridge, September 3, 1802” …”Ne’er saw I, never felt, a calm so deep!” Wordsworth realized the value of the inner man and that this inner man daily comes in contact with the “world,” and needs strength and wisdom to make wise decisions. The major brace of the inner man has to be built on a calm and serene foundation {found only in the Holy Ghost} in order to withstand the outer pressures of materialism. Materialism is a silent hunter that diligently stalks the unsuspecting prey and devours without mercy when strong inner braces are not present.
Many times within society, the simpler life falls by the wayside when people become sidetracked by the opinions of others. Behavioral scientists assert that within every human is an inherent need to be loved and accepted. Sometimes a person’s perception of what is needed to be accepted becomes clouded by a bombardment of advertisements aimed at convincing that person that he or she must have those things to be accepted. Lines of credit become overextended; bankruptcy courts see a constant stream of individuals who are persuaded of the necessity of having things so they can be accepted by some entity they believe to be important. The prodigal son is dissatisfied with his life at home and asks his father for his portion of the inheritance; he then goes to town, gathers “friends” around him, squanders his money on those “friends,” and is left penniless and friendless. He comes to himself in a hog pen and admits that the “simple life” of home is not so bad after all. He used his money as a means of being accepted, and when money ran out, his “friends” no longer accepted him.
How does society stray so far from a simpler life? Between 1995 and 1999, Americans purchased 77 million cars and light trucks, almost 8 million new homes, 57 million personal computers, and 64 million mobile phones (Samuelson). We search for personal fulfillment in rising materialism. Many times materialism causes us to become our own worst enemies; abundance breeds anxiety and tension. Getting and spending now control our lives. A national poll commissioned by the Merck Family Fund found that 82 percent of the people surveyed agreed that they consumed more than they needed (Thompson). The average family in the United States spends almost one-third of its income on things that are not necessary to them, things not essential to the preservation of life and health (Singer). Our need for things becomes our driving force. Advertising’s message for today’s society is “Spend, spend, spend. If you can’t fill that hole in the soul, you can at least frame it with fancy things” (Thompson). We see, we want, we spend, we get. Conditioned to value financial achievement, sometimes we tend to cling to materialism even as it makes the contentment we seek more elusive (Peck 42). The world is too much with us.
The lesson of the rich young ruler who went away sad because he had many possessions still speaks to us today and can never be emphasized too much. An article in U.S. Catholic states, “…getting rid of possessions is seldom easy. Possessions hold great power over us…some give us status…. We grow accustomed to having lots of things around us…they give us security. They define us and the hard work we have done…possessions begin to own us rather than us owning them” (Grassi 37).
Billy Graham says, “Love of money crowds out everything else…It isn’t wrong to provide more resources for your family, as long as you don’t allow money and things capture your heart and mind” (Grit 34). In a recent USA Today article, singer Madonna spoke of a controversial video that she made that addresses materialism and contains the lyrics “I tried to stay ahead, I tried to stay on top/I tried to play the part, but somehow I forgot/Just what I did it for and why I wanted more.”
Materialism—what is in it for us? What is the payoff? Consider the following statements by John Shumaker, a senior lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Canterbury in Christchurch, New Zealand:
1. Materialism helps foster the emergence of purposelessness, meaninglessness, and alienation.
2. High degrees of materialism have a toxic effect on psychological well-being and have been associated with diminished life satisfaction, impaired self-esteem, and a predisposition to depression.
3. Escalating materialism may be the single largest contributor to a ten-fold increase in major depression over the past half-century.
. 4. One million of the bankruptcies filed annually are due
to credit excesses.

Materialism—what a payoff! The world is too much with us.

2006-01-04T23:04:00.000-08:00

Some writings

2005-12-24T02:44:00.000-08:00

http://butterfly.wordpress.com/

Weeks left

2005-12-04T11:29:00.000-08:00

So here I am, thinking I am being productive, and in reality I have no idea what I am doing. I seem to have misplaced everything that I need for my 8am. Monday class, tomorrow being the last class and that means that everything I need is really needed as it is all due tomorrow. I can talk to her, I am sure she would be okay with things being late. Then there is the problem of it being something else I have to do still.

So, to get organized to some degree, I have:
This week:
**Rebates to send
by Mon:
I have the option to take a MM test, but I need to study hard
Exercise Log
Wellness Inventory=I don't have it anymore
Dialog with God

by Tues:
Knowledge of the Holy read
Theology Paper written
Stats Homework=lots if I can

by Wed:
A stats paper to write=more than an hour in the computer lab
Lab homework=more time in the computer lab

Okay, here I go.

Today is "my day"

2005-12-03T07:23:00.000-08:00

God woke me up today, to a world splashed over with water, and a beautiful painting in the sky. At first, the sky looked like it was on fire, then the clouds moved to reveal a rising sun, which was golden and more beautiful than a mind full of diamonds. It was a beautiful choreography of cloud movement and sun rising through the trees. For just a short while, I saw the clouds cleared for my birthday. It was wonderful. Then I remembered what someone was telling me over and over last night as the rain fell down, "It is raining for you." I thought that was silly, until I realized how much it meant this morning. The rain was falling down, the same rain that was freeing to me last year. The rain that brought me to know my Father better. Oh Lord let it rain, for I have seen your glory in the sun this morning, and wait for it to pour down on this earth. If it be your will, let it rain down in the rays of the sun. I have seen your beauty as you opened my eyes to a dance of birds through the trees and the skies. Thank you. Thank you for beautiful people, thank you for beautiful songs, thank you for a beautiful world.

Birthdays

2005-11-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

Birthdays are strange. I mean, they are great and all, don't get me wrong, sometimes they make me pause, and then eventually shake my head and laugh quietly.

Who knows, I might be surprised and get my second email from my granny passing on a happy birthday or something, maybe.
I got a call from my mother. That was, not strange, but as odd as it has ever been. Hmm, let's see, I haven't spoken/been in contact with her in a few months now, even then it was only a few lines in an email or a random phone call that was 2 minutes long, if that, at 7 in the morning. Yeah, I talk to her. I'd say even more now then ever, at least more than twice a year. Seeing her, that is a different story. But a lot of this is off track. It is great, but funny how when it is your birthday things change for a short while. Excitement for you is of abundance. Granted, the excitment grows as you move closer to the individual in relationship, but there is some there from everyone.

Hmm, that hasn't really consumed my mind lately. In fact, I am excited about my birthday, even if I suppress it. I think I want to suppress it to savor it and keep it close, all for me. I don't know why. What has consumed my mind, as it seems, is that even when you know that you are getting more than others it doesn't help you much in not wanting more. I have to say, I want more, and I almost come to tears as I continuously am not allowed it. I am a lot happier and awake than I have been in a long time, and that is a complete flip from my unsettledness that I experienced both in the beginning of last week and this only to be interupted some how by my going home, but I have this lingering desire. I felt like I was an observer of things, even that I was doing, happening at home. Like I was lost deep inside myself looking out, only to be found in a very calm state. I can't explain much of what is going on or what was going on in my head because psychology is hard. All I know is I want more, and I want to stop. It is much more difficult to stop when the only thing keeping you from more is...something I cannot find words for right now. *Sigh. Tears have not come to the brims, but weighed down my shoulders. Be near oh Lord, and let me run into your arms as the tears grow near. Let my head rest upon your shoulder as you whisper Truth into my ears.

The first picture of my new camera

2005-11-25T17:47:00.000-08:00

Weird, I know, but I had nothing else to take a picture of.

No.

2005-11-25T16:03:00.000-08:00

No. I did not come home with a box of books from the bookshop.
No. I did not spend over $1,000 today…in only three stores.
No. I did not buy a new camera that is 7.1MP.
No. I did not have a conversation about the letter my grandfather sent me with my granny.
No. She did not tell me that it was just a heat of the moment response that was not going to happen because he was going to take time and get over it; the it being the fact that he thought it was a form letter that I may have sent out to five others or whatever.
No. No. No. No, she did not tell me that she did not help the matter because she was upset with my saying in the letter that I was so blessed by God to be able to do the things I am doing.
NO. She did not tell me that she was upset and thought, “Well who does she think is paying the bills?” and, “Well that is just what she thinks now,” in response to me saying that.
And yes, I am lying. These things really happened today. Along with my attending a party for many people including my aunt for their birthdays and really didn’t talk to many people at all because they really are all connected so well, and I missed the age group by at least 8 years.
So, that was my day today. I pulled out my door key to unlock my house today. I take it as a sign that I want to go home. Really though, things aren’t that bad, they are just sad.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T20:49:00.000-08:00

So, I got to my aunt’s house today and the moment I got here my cousin Max (six years old) came running out screaming so I picked him up and swung him around, twisting him upside down as we both screamed. It was great to see him. We proceeded to play air basketball in the living room, I think he won; it was a pretty close game. After that we had Taxco (Mexican food), which is exactly what I thought we might have. Of course, it was awkward to talk to my aunt, I didn’t really know what to talk to her about. I finally told her about Curtis, and she asked why I never told her about him before, and why I didn’t introduce him as my boyfriend. She, for some reason, believes that I should call and tell my family whenever anything in my life that can be called interesting by anyone happens. It is a strange idea I don't think I will be acting upon. She also asked why I didn’t have him come with us to Thanksgiving, since I am going to visit him for three weeks. Well, hmm. I think it is too late now. And I think that God is working. I love it when He works. Max and I played hide and seek for a while; it was great. We both got scared a bit, and I even scared my aunt. Now? Now we are watching a soldier movie (of course) called “North and South.” It is actually pretty good, and has bunch of big actors and actresses; who, I have no idea. You have to love him, and since I know that adding this to the quote board might confuse people because they don't know who he is, here is my favorite quote from him so far:

“I like Cold Mountain. That’s my favorite! I like the kissing part!” ~Max

And to think he wanted his mom to turn the radio station when the song "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mirmaid came on.
********************************************************************************************
That was last night. Today is Turkey Day. My dad told me not to worry about coming out to his parent's and said to stay with my mom's side (and no, my mom was not there-she never is). So I did just that, and thanked God that my grandma offered to take me home at last when they started to leave, because I noticed that my aunt and uncle weren't budging yet and I was ready to leave. The car ride up wasn't that bad at all, it wasn't all that comfortable, but the driving went well as far as I could tell. There were a few accidents that clogged up the freeway here and there, but other than that the traffic was significantly better than yesterday. So, I have gotten to see my family on one side, I have seen my dad, and now I have talked to a very handsom man that I happen to be in love with. My night is going well. To add to it, I got to talk to Jeremy and Jason, and then Jenny, Gina, and Allie via Gina came on! How blessed my night is. To top it all off, God is good! I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. Early being right around midnight. So, Happy Thanksgiving all, and may you not be mobbed if you decide to go shopping on Black Friday.

Hmm

2005-11-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

The beauty of the choreographed dance between sunlight of the setting sun and fall colored leaves of a tree has profound depth.

And then the wind blows to add it's grand addition to the "ballet". (Or did I mean battle?)

"blue health alarm"

2005-11-13T23:44:00.000-08:00

I think if we had blue health alarms in today's rooms it would have gone off a few times today around me. My heart rate has risen at least three times to a very high rate due to fright. It takes a while for my, as they say, heart to come down from my throat.

In other news I am getting right back into my first semester groove of being absolutely repulsed by the thought of sleep and yet shoving it upon myself like a child shoves veggies down his or her throat only when told to do so by the threat of never leaving the table, getting dessert and/or more veggies on top of the pile on his or her plate.

But, the greatest news of all, news that makes my soul smile, sing, and dance, I am going to Colorado this winter. If it be God's will I will be spending three weeks. I will certainly need to be careful, but I can't help but be so excited. Okay, I need to go now. Waking up at four requires me to go to sleep. Night all.

Wednesday nap

2005-11-09T13:27:00.000-08:00

So I was falling asleep in my class this morning and decided I would go and take a nap instead of attend chapel. It was at that point I once again wished I had a lecture giver on hand so that I could fall asleep easier. Of course, I had nothing to worry about because I was genuinely tired today and fell asleep to the sound of the Celtic Woman CD. Four hours later I my body finally said it was stale enough to wake up.

I had a strange dream in the end:
We boarded a triple bus (three decks) and I proceeded to find a seat on the second level. Well, I wanted a plug for my computer and there were many to choose from so I tried to find the best area that I could spread out in and not bother any one. I found, as I looked around, that there were chairs and couches in the bus as well as public bus style seats and both the couches and chairs looked much like the ones we have here in Sigma. The last thing I can remember about the dream is seeing different people sitting in various seats and, still without a seat, me being asked by an old man sitting down if the sign next to one of the seats across the way had a sticker that read November Tour.

Before that I was at a benefit that gave out lots of snacks and candy and I, after the event was done and seeing the candy/snacks being wrapped up in assortment in flats with Saran wrap, asked the woman in charge if I could take a few things home with me only to find out, as she had told me once before, that she saved everything for the next month's benefit. My mastermind began to take inventory of all of the things that would go bad before the next month so that I could devise a list of things she might in fact let me have in spite of that fact. I don't think I ever got to take anything home, I think the guy in charge was the one who normally took those things home.

If I remember correctly there was one dream where I was in the well done, multipurpose garage of a some-what wealthy person. I don't really know what I was doing there.

So, now I have an hour before I should leave for work, and then dinner. It's Wednesday. Sometimes I feel numb to the week's passing. We only have five weeks left. That means I have about seven weeks until I go to Colorado. Wow. Brandi comes next week, and I see my dad as well. I am excited for her to finally meet everyone here. It will be a good break, hopefully, from her school life. I think I might go read. Or send all of the random letters I have written to Brandi in classes.

Happity Birthday to you:

2005-11-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

Happy 19th hun!

I'm sorry.

2005-11-06T21:32:00.000-08:00

I am sorry that your heart is stretched,
so far from confusion.
I am sorry that your life is stressed,
really full of tension.

I am sorry that I say I am sorry, when I can't do anything to fix it.

I am sorry that things are going this way, but know that you are loved.
All I can offer is an open hand, a willing heart, my prayers, and my love.

What am I doing?

2005-11-04T16:47:00.000-08:00

I am currently sitting the composer's lab, using my computer for warmth as I sit here wrapped in a jacket in a room set at 72 degrees, listening to a bit of the music critique going on in the hall through the microphone but focusing more on the sounds coming from the other room. A piano is being played, and the timeless music of Nat King Cole reaches my ears. "Unforgettable..." Oh what it must have been like to hear him live. The beauty of a music building reaches my soul. Trumpets here, piano there. Singers then, violins now. How beautiful the music is now, and how much more beautiful it will be in heaven when we all come together to praise our King for eternity.

Well, I am going to be off now as my neck is sore from looking down at the screen. Good times.

I love the bookstore.

2005-11-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

Sure; there are times when it gets crazy. You've got phones ringing, internet orders coming in for a California overnight, and about ten people in line who either don't have their money ready or pay with a credit card on file that their parents forgot to tell them had expired.

But then there are days like today. Rather slow, and in fact, quite boring. It's days like these that you get to sit back and watch. Watch people like the three working at the register. A circle of laughter and smiles while one reads, How to Rescue Your Love Life. Then there is the back desk. That's where I was today. We try to keep two people at the back desk at all times. The one who worked with me was rather entertaining as she jumped three feet in the air when I came up behind her to poke her sides. I entertained myself for a bit imagining the bear sitting on top of the cash register was suddenly hit off by a flying object. That was fun.

I can't wait

2005-11-03T01:45:00.000-08:00

I can't wait until I get to not sleep. I can't wait until my body or my calendar says it is okay for me to stay awake so I can read and write and think and plan. I must wait though. Isn't it funny that the things we think we can't wait for take the longest?
Good night all.

Love

2005-11-02T00:16:00.000-08:00

There is something about being in love that I just can't get used to. I think that is what continually makes it exciting.

Right now I am so tired I didn't know what to do with myself when I got in the room, but if God lets me love him tomorrow I want to write more on my thoughts tonight later.

quiz day!

2005-11-01T22:27:00.000-08:00

BUTTERFLY EYES

You have Butterfly
Eyes!
Positive Traits: Thoughtful,
Intelligent, Humble, Clever, Open
Minded
Negative Traits: Elitist,
Conceited, Apathetic, Cold, Sarcastic

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Any excuse it seems

2005-10-30T08:35:00.000-08:00

There is something about winter days that gets me excited. It must be a lot of things. All I really can tell is it excites me to the point of being incapable of sitting still. Or at least my thoughts are consumed by the thought of not. I am sitting here, trying to get work done and enjoying the bags of popcorn I snagged from the tin, watching the sun illuminate the world, and listening to 4Him which has a Christmas feel to me, and all I can think about is getting up and dancing. Maybe it is the fact that I don't understand my statistics homework that persuades my thoughts to be focused else where. My thoughts travel as far as January and back each minute. The thought of seeing snow as beautiful as the snow captured in the image on my desktop excites me. My body will not sit still without force. The thought of being in a different winter brings my soul to life. The thought of being in a different winter for three weeks, and having someone who knows all about it show me around, guiding me with a new perspective, makes any other thoughts inconceivable. I need to go. I need to go dance. I need to go think about the beauty of God reflected in His creation; through and through. I need to go and let my God prepare my heart for worship and praise. I need to go and let my Father hold me, and consume my thoughts...

I love it!

2005-10-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

I love popcorn in a tin! Someone on my hall received literally six gallons of popcorn in a tin and put it out their door with a note on it that says, "EAT ME"

It is ontologically greater than any other popcorn in variety, taste, and quality of pop. The tin has been experienced by me only one other time in my life, and I am happy to say this exceeds my memories of happiness. You've all seen the tin before, it is like the ones they line up around the top shelves of every less ritzy store for Christmas. Many of you, at least I would hope, have seen the inside full of three flavors of popcorn: cheese, regular, and caramel. If you haven't ever experienced the popcorn tin, one should come on my hall during appropriate hours and I would delight in introducing you to the pleasure.

Almost needless to say, I wrote a note on their board stating: I promise I will bring the popcorn back...in a bit. And it is certainly needless to say that I am simply ecstatic to know that I have plastic bags of all sizes.

A lot of needless to say things, but I enjoy saying them any way because they more fully express my joy. Happy popcorn day to all! May you too, one day, experience this joy.

Thoughts

2005-10-25T03:08:00.000-07:00

As I walked down the hall this morning (3am that is) with a pile of freshly washed clothes that reached from my waist to my forehead in my arms, my laptop in one hand, my, dare I say, jug of detergent in another-which had to then in fact be balanced between both hands because it was rather heavy for one arm that was preoccupied with the giant pile of clothes that was blocking my forward vision-two shirts hanging off my shoulder that could not be folded, and a pillow shammy (which has one of those split down the middle openings instead of the side) hanging off of my head carrying various items that were not clothes or were too small to fold...like socks, only one quote came to mind:

"I am the essence of awesome."

And then the door shut behind me and all went black...

***********
God has a humorous way of knocking down pride.

*Nods

2005-10-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

Yes. Yes I am in class.
*Shakes head
No. No I don't think it is wrong.

I think falling asleep in class and not taking notes is wrong. Especially in a class that one is not currently passing. I think that bringing one's computer is both benificial in the sense that one can practice one's typing skills and in the sense that he/she can have something to keep his/her mind busy enough to stay awake during the entirety of the class and actually have notes by the end of the class.
I have this problem with going to sleep in classes. I don't have a week go by without falling asleep in more than one of my classes. I have six classes, and go to classes seven times a week. All classes are finished by Thursday, with one class on each Wed. and Thurs. It is a nice schedule, but no matter what time of day my classes fall, whether it be 8am, 3pm, or 6:30-9:30, I fall asleep.

Decisions

2005-10-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

So I have decided upon being less productive and sleeping today. I had four hours of sleep, and I find that I would be more irritated at falling asleep in class again than I would with myself not being so productive as to do laundry, clean or do homework. So either way, I will probably have a late night tonight so I am thinking this tired thing will be upon me for more than today.

Rant of the day:
Now, what is with the lobby quote board having a word verification in the editing? I don't like that. Why is it necessary? Who would come in and spam in the editing section? I didn't think that was possible. They would already need the password. I don't like the extra step of figuring out the swirly letters when I am editing a post.
That might be just me though. I'm done.

Today

2005-10-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

I get to feel my heart reopened.
I get to cry.
I get to smile.
I get to love.
I get to see God's Beauty.
I get to see God's Love.

Today I get to; I don't have to; I am not restricted from; I want to, and I get to.

It's like daylight, at midnight. It's my favorite dream where nothing's really as it seems. Don't wake me, just take me. Take me by the hand and I will believe. ~Nichole Nordeman.

If you see me around

2005-10-18T15:58:00.000-07:00

A hug would be nice today...

Cold Air

2005-10-18T01:21:00.000-07:00

There is something about very large clouds that take on colors you will never be able to match gliding across the sky that makes me want to stop and stare. There is something about cold air and a shinning moon that makes me want to stay outside all night. Beauty. God's fingerprints. God. In the words of Chris Tomlin, "Still more awesome than I know."

There is something about being fulfilled, and being around those who need to be filled. God has that way about Him. His ways are planned, and are centered in His glory. How glorious He is to allow tears; to allow sorrow, to allow a sense of being lost. All these, that we might compare and see. That we might choose Him, for Him. For He is Good. All this, that we might know Good full and deep. I don't think I will ever get it completely right. I don't think I will ever know completely why. I do know that we don't need to hide who we are and what we are feeling. I do know that we don't need to try and be someone we are not because of other people. I do know that feelings are difficult to understand sometimes. Sometimes we can't give a reason why we are happy, sometimes we don't know why we are sad. Sometimes we can wish with all of our hearts to be one or the other, and are only given more time to be as we are.

I used to fight it. I literaly fought with myself on my way to school each day for weeks about being angry or sad. I fought myself thinking I should give it up to God so that I could be happy again, and I fought myself thinking I should be sad/angry. One day, I said the words and gave it to God. He lifted the clouds, and I found happiness.

Years later, I was fighting again. This time I was fighting to stay happy. I couldn't give, to be honest I never even considered it, my happiness to Him. I stopped, for a lot of it, giving Him my pain/anger/sorrow, instead I tucked it away at the bottom. I can say now that, if you fill your cup up with those, there isn't much room for a deep joy. Yep. My joy was pretty shallow. An abundance of shallowness, yes, but nothing compared to depths of the junk I piled up for "the sake of joy". I didn't know what words to say this time.

I found out this summer that it wasn't I, but He who needed to speak to my heart. It was hard for me; to be sad. I still don't know all how to do it. The funny thing about a broken heart is, things pierce it a lot deeper~including joy. God knows this, why do you think He can do His best work when we are broken? What made it more hard for me was being around people and not being happy. Coming back changed in that way was big for me, but now I see how good it is. Now I see what I have to offer people, if and when I am not happy. I can offer them tears, silence, prayers, hugs. I can offer my hands. I can offer my presense. I can offer them what I learned this summer. We can be sad. We can be happy. And we don't need any explination for either.

Today has been a long day.

2005-10-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

I feel like there hasn't been time to talk. Not on my end, but for others. On my end, I feel as though there hasn't been time to listen. This creates a problem. You see, when people think there is no time for either one of these, they don't take any time to do them. I long to listen. I love to listen, getting out of my own world, yet bringing the person closer to it. I haven't had a talk-out in a long time. I miss a friend who is far away. I miss friends who I am around every day. What's wrong with this picture? The latter shouldn't be.

I am sorry friends. I am sorry if it seems I am unavailable. I am sorry that I have not had the energy to approach you and seek you out.

***************************************************************************

Okay, so today is Sunday. I never got to finish my post because I was too tired to open my eyes and type. I got nine and a half hours of sleep that night, and that was not the extent of God's blessings yesterday.

During GodBlog on Friday my chest started hurting in a way I have never felt before, my head, and really from the shoulders up, was in pain and aspirin did nothing, I felt like I hadn't eaten anything all day and that was far from the truth and I was tired. God got me through the day with a calming Spirit after my most aggravating part of the day happened when a freshman acted in a manner during GB that was unacceptable.

Well, yesterday my blessings came in multitude as I started off the day fresh and ready to go take on the last day of GB. I did the best I could to not close my eyes in Roger Overton and Amy Hall's session (the two I was assisting), as I have a brain that does not like to be with out something to work out and process things that amount to more than a lecture. The session was on apologetics and blogging, which was rather interesting and very Biola like (considering Roger was actually a Talbot student, it was fitting.)

My short writing during the session:
Once again it feels so great to serve. I never think about the benefits of it until I receive them. It is a beautiful thing to take the opportunity to serve. God didn't ask us to serve one another to enslave us and/or burden us, but to benefit us. Just as serving God does not act as enslavement or demeaning, but in fact brings many rewards. God takes care of His servants ten times better than the best person in the world.
I was able to see an incredible image of the Body of Christ this weekend as all around me many were actively engaged in servanthood. It was incredible to see a connected body of people holding each other together. As one served the other, the other served the one. As I was expecting to be only of service, I found, to my surprise, people asking to serve me. God is amazing.

In the end of GB I was spending time with someone who can lighten my day when the darkest of clouds roll in, and somehow make it even brighter when the sun is shining. It was a beautiful sight to see someone so tired, so ready to leave, stick around for the right reasons. Someone who had no obligation on paper stay and help long after his time was over. I am so honored and blessed to be able to love someone like him. Today, God has allowed me to do so however, and I hope to live it out to its fullest.

Friends. They found me, just in time for dinner. I was captivated by the beauty of God's painting as the sun went down, and in awe of the pictures captured of my favorite tree, because now I can take them with me. After a photo shoot of Creation, I found welcoming smiles and words in a room that had not been filled with the four of us in weeks. We talked. We talked and talked and talked. We laughed. A lot. We encouraged each other. It was beautiful. All that I had been longing for and waiting for had come. How wonderful our God is that He would bless us with things such as the friendship I have with three beautiful, wonderful, spectacular women. I don't know how to thank Him, but I believe it involves loving them and showing them Love.

So for now I am off to get ready for the day as we planned a trip to 'Bucks and then we will be off to church.

Alone Time

2005-10-07T11:21:00.000-07:00

How great it was to have time alone with my Father today. Every child-of-a-big-family's dream. How wonderful He is to provide such a time that we can stop and be with Him. No need to rush, no need to worry. Even if it is just for a moment, how glorious to have that one moment to stop and listen, and enjoy our Father one on one.

When things don't work out one way, take the time to wait for that whisper in the wind calling you another way. God is in control, and sometimes He allows things to happen just to give us that one on one time with Him. How special we are.

How beautiful.

2005-10-07T01:50:00.000-07:00

How beautiful it is that God asks of us, not because He needs, but because He wants us to trust in Him that He might bless us.

So many times He has amazed me by giving me back what I gave up, which He knows only makes me want to give it to Him more.

Even this computer for example. I walked in to the room having come from one of the best nights I have had in a while and found that I has left my computer with Curtis so that I wouldn't have to walk to my room, way so far down the hall way, before we went to 'Bucks. Well, I didn't know what to do with myself, in a very good way. Yes, it is two in the morning. Yes, I am going to sleep the moment I post this; but I feel more awake than I can say I have felt in all of my classes this week. *smiles. I made a decision that God would make good out of having to miss a part of my morning routine due to the lack of computer. I felt wonderful about it. I even felt privileged to be without a computer for a night. However, as I sat in bed, a small-ever so sensitive tap on the door revealed Becky with my laptop. Thank you Becky, for being wonderful you. Thank you Curtis, for not putting it off. Thank You Father, for caring about my thoughts, my actions...me. So much so that you would glorify yourself even in the smallest, most foolish of things. You make me want to love You more. Thank you.

It is so great to have boundaries; to be a child of God. How wonderful He is for looking out for us at all times, guiding us in all of our ways, and mapping out the way that we not get lost.

Alright, into the blissful splendor of sleep.

How I feel today:

2005-10-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

Ah!

God made good, and I saw bad.

2005-10-06T01:51:00.000-07:00

God is good, even as I stumble into my dark, dark room and trip over everything five times. Dark doesn't work with me so well.

I learned a few things today:
Falling off of chairs is more fun that one would think,
Aaron Bailey's hair is worth a picture when he just wakes up,
and taking a Benadril just before work makes you act in such a manner customers tend to not trust you.

I also learned a few things I hope God will teach me again and again:
I learned that God answers our prayers even when we don't understand how what He does answers the prayer, or remember we even asked. I asked God to help me appreciate things more, and as I lost sight of the vision He had given me, He was faithful to restore it.
Tonight, when He took something away, for the greater good, I had a difficult time releasing it. How silly of me to think I need hold on to things like that, when God has greater things for me. How humbling and joyful to see Him glorify Himself, even with my feeble attempts. How great it is to realize I have love to give, and there is love for me to receive because of Him, and Him alone. How glorious that our God would give us love back that we might share it with each other. How wonderful it is that He calls us back to Him, even if we rebel against His methods. How warm it is to be in His arms, and how overflowing it is to be content in Him, and only Him. Forgive me Lord for not seeing, for not trusting. Thank you for helping me release everything to you; my love, my joy, my sorrow, my struggles.

I learned today that I get to love him, and that I get to do it by being myself. Father, I trust you, let me worry no more, for you alone are faithful with your promises.
My spirit soars above the highest mountain because of You.

Birthdays

2005-10-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

Today is the twenty-first birthday of a very special man in my life, and a very special woman in my life. God has blessed me with unmeasurable joy in knowing them. Happy Birthday you two, may your walk in the Lord be strengthened as He has given you the start of a new year in order that He may be glorified.

Happy Birthday Jenny Brothwell

and Curtis Schweitzer

God made good-this might be long

2005-10-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

I decided last night that I would not be attending church this morning, and God made good from that choice, as He is so faithful to do even when we choose wrong.

Both my mother and father called me this morning. Yes, that is right, my mother called. I still don't understand why she used this excuse: www.gocaching.com. (I can't seem to figure out how to link)
I love God's way of revealing the way He looks at people, when our way is so twisted at times and never perfect. I didn't understand why she called me at seven this morning, especially for that which I linked to above. That is her though. No matter what, she will always be a part of my life, and that is something a lot of people don't have. No matter what, I can't deny that I have been waiting for her to write me, contact me, something. After talking to my dad, and seeing the beauty of love, whether it lasts as it is or not, I can't look on it in any way that portrays it as something without good. My mother and my father divorced, more than 15 years ago. But my dad still sees good. I wish I could convey to you what that means to me, and how God uses my dad, of all people, to help me see the good in my mom when I forget that it is there. God please forgive me for holding on to my twisted view. Thank you for revealing the beauty and good that You have made.
It is funny how my heart can feel so wrong about looking at someone and not liking them. How my entire being is disrupted when I can't seem to find good in someone. That is why, when I do find something good about someone I basically wrote off, it hits me hard. I can't help but swell with tears when my foolish expectations about people are broken in the most beautiful way. Thank you God, for using my staying home to teach me something I so often forget. Thank you dad, for not holding your tongue and speaking of God's beauty and using Love to speak to my heart.

******************************************************************************

Yesterday, I was blessed with friendship. Friendship only God could have made. It seemed so crazy, as it very well was, to start the day in a running frenzy. A frenzy that just didn't feel right. At some point, and I can't pinpoint when, God covered us in peace and we fell into a way of being together that no longer allowed frenzy chaos, but instead allowed us to be who we are together. There are those few friendships that make you wonder why people could ever even think that this world was an accident because the chances of them happening are so far off into a land of nothing we can not even come close in five trillion years to reproducing something that comes with in one-billionth of a centimeter close to its furthest decimal and I spent the night blessed with three. And to think, God chose to glorify Himself by first creating us, and then blessing us with things like that. How intricately beautiful. How glorious.
We found so much delight in things that I would usually think were wrong. Someone decided to pour out an entire economy size bottle of dish soap into the fountain in Brea. Little did they, or we, know that we would find so much joy in something so simple as bubbles. We started a trend while we were in our own world and found ten others creating their own war of the bubbles. It was beautiful to see us, living at an age that so many waste with the world's view of maturity, finding pleasure in such simplicity.

Thank you Father, for smiling down upon Your children. Thank you for making so much good out of our foolish choices to glorify yourself. Thank you God, for being the only one worthy of glory and for making us, so unworthy, a part of it that we might experience it. Thank you for bubbles, as they were evident through out the day and made beauty out of things so opposite.

Revision to the love count

2005-09-30T23:52:00.000-07:00

652 has now been uped to 763. I am so happy.

**Update- I made a mistake on 120 of them. Sad day.

Count Down

2005-09-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

-Three more hours until dinner and a night out
-One more day until beauty comes together for a day full of fun
-Four more days until Big Red

Irritable Freak Out Day

2005-09-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

That is what I am calling today.
I "freaked out" over a few minor things already, and I started telling people to shut up at 8:00 this morning. For that, I am sorry. I stopped, just in case you were wondering. I hope not to pick things like that up again. What's funny is I think I have the ability to laugh at things more, because I have done that a lot too. That mere fact makes me think I am tired, but the thought of a nap-which will probably come in my stats class irritates me too. God is so good at making me laugh when I am unhappy, upset, or just plain irritable. I used to get upset at that-how ironic :-). Any how, it is a wonderful day because I get to love people, now if I can just get around to showing them love...

*I love you

I am off to my last class of the day.

***Example of God making me laugh: I just re-read this post.

652

2005-09-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

I found 652 ways to say I love you today.
Let's hope the person gets the message.

Oh man

2005-09-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

Watch out for this guy:

So

2005-09-21T23:23:00.000-07:00

The best part of my day?
Sharing God's love.
The second best part of my day?
Seeing Peanut...

God is still Good

2005-09-21T11:06:00.000-07:00

No matter what goes on in our lives, God is still Good.

Now, I've always said this, but never fully understood it. It was one of those things that I knew was true, but never knew why it was good to know.

No matter what, we will always have something that is of the purest good, something above all of the bad,
and something that will last long after the bad dissapears.

How great is our God that we can be thankful for Him, even when our lives are darker than ever before?
He is Glorious.

Your Majesty Reigns

2005-09-20T01:02:00.000-07:00

God, can I love you forever? Will you help me do it? I want to, I really really do. Can I know more of You? Your Beauty; Your Love; Your Goodness?

"A knowledge about God should deepen our relationship with Him, which in turn increases our desire to know more about Him." ~Charles C. Ryrie Basic Theology

How wonderful You are.

Smiles

2005-09-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

And lots of them...

*Smiles

2005-09-18T00:12:00.000-07:00

That has been happening even in my lower points of the weekend.

What a faithful God we have; one who is faithful to be there when we seek Him.
What a loving Father we have; one who will hold you when you are down.

How unworthy we are of being a part of the triangle that He has created; the one that makes me smile every day.

My weekend just recently became a who lot lighter, God is so good as He gives and takes away.

YAY

2005-09-14T02:02:00.000-07:00

Laundry is done!
Yay! Now I get to go to sleep!
Mmm, there is nothing like the feeling of hot pants.
PJ's that is...

You

2005-09-13T02:15:00.000-07:00

You make me want to fall into His arms, and never leave again.
You make me want to rely on Him for everything, instead of just the somethings.
You make me see His Love shine in a new way.
You make my heart flutter.

It's a brand new day

2005-09-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

Take some time to admire God's beauty. It is worth it, I promise.

2005-09-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

And then the sun shines brighter than ever through shut blinds, calling me to open them.

2005-09-11T09:33:00.000-07:00

*sigh.

Sometimes

2005-09-08T23:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder where things come from. Like butterflies or flutter bugs. Other times I wonder why. Like why people look at me with a smile, or are close to tears when they try to speak. Sometimes I wonder how. Like how I became surrounded with such beauty, or how long this feeling of brokenness will last.

So I have this problem

2005-09-08T16:16:00.000-07:00

I don't remember how much sleep I get each night when I wake up because I have a relatively easy time waking up from any amount. Well, by the time the afternoon rolls around my energy has faded and I am rather confused by it happening. Then I realize, four and a half hours of sleep just doesn't quite keep you going for an entire day... :-)

A dear friend mentioned that it is natural for the body to be at a low point at this time of day, so that adds to it. I love feeling sleepy though, it is so comforting.

Sweet memories imprinted on my heart

2005-09-05T00:07:00.000-07:00

When little girls replace the young at heart, only smiles remain. Soaring up to the sky and swooshing back to the earth. Talking up side down yet right side up; triangle passes and falling down hills; surrounded by God's creation. Cosmic wiggles and the 8th day of the week. All came in a moment, all left in the next, but the taste of sweetness still lingers in my soul...

9/1 or 2/05

2005-09-03T01:17:00.000-07:00

My joy comes from the depths of you and no other. Things, relationships, may come and go but you are ever constant. It is good that you want for us because you are Good. When my joy seemingly escapes me I am forced by your love to realize nothing of this world can bring me the happiness I have, and nothing can take it away. Help me to give this joy to the right people, and to continuously recognize its roots.

I like people.

2005-08-29T23:40:00.000-07:00

I really really really do.
That's all.

Okay

2005-08-29T00:22:00.000-07:00

I crossed an invisible line today. I don't know if I want to turn around, and the only reason I would now is because of fear. No moving will be done. I will wait for the Lord; I will be patient. I cannot take another step without His guidance. I walk lightly as He pulls me along the path that He desires.

Now only to keep my focus on Him so that I need not worry...

A nine of a night.

2005-08-27T00:41:00.000-07:00

I didn't know if I wanted to hear him tonight, because I wasn't sure if I was ready to begin to fall in love with him.

Tonight is a perfect temperature summer night. Beautiful.

I place the heart you made into your hands, though I have no power to keep it from you in the first place. I pray that if these feelings were something you wanted me to feel, that they would come again, and if not-that they would cease to take me away on a cloud.

Feelings from above

2005-08-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

You know what? I am suprised at how good it felt to help someone. And I made it. From nine to five, I worked my tail off. I sat down for twenty minutes the entire day. Heck yes, and it felt good. It felt like, for once, I deserved to sit down. Not like I did that for another hour afterwards, but the dinner Allison and I made was good.

Back to the people. It felt so good today to know things and be able to share that knowledge. Which, after pointing this out, makes me wonder why all of us aren't out there, including me, telling people about the knowledge we have. The knowledge that is worth far more than whether or not they should buy a new computer for their daughter, or how many note books they should get for classes, if any, and which kind at that. As Allison fell into comfort with the cash register, I found confidence in doing my part around the store with the customers. I clocked in around half of an hour total on the cash register. The rest of my time was spent checking on sizes, reorganizing, answering questions, and then for half of the day I greeted and answered questions. I also, while greeting, had the privelage of offering a free tote to the parents, which brightened up their day as they saw their savings acounts drop to zero. To have a laugh on such a day I know meant a lot, as they all chuckled at the message printed on the bag, "My kid and my money go to Biola." It was great times. By the end I did feel the effects of the long day, but I was able to hold it together. God worked a miracle today-somehow I was able to get through it, and I know it was only because of Him. He is so good. How faithful and enduring He is. During the last rush of the day, I greeted a group of customers like I had been the entire day, and a man in the group said something to the effect of, "No way. You cannot be that energetic. You have to be as tired as I am." Guys, I had a great day, and I only have God to thank for it.

If you read anything, read this.

2005-08-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

And tell me what you think. This guy had the sly nerve to call me his dear. This is an email I came across while cleaning out an old email address. Good times when the crazy guys always seem to find you...

ATTN: MY DEAR,

I AM CONTACTING YOU ON BEHALF OF MY CLIENT WHO IS
SEEKING FOR URGENT ASSISTANCE AND SUPPORT.KINDLY GO
THROUGH HIS MAIL BELOW AND GET BACK TO ME TO SEND YOU
THE NECESSARY DOCUMENTS NEEDED FOR THE CLAIMS OF THE
FUNDS IN THE FINANCE COMPANY.

HIS MAIL: collins_u1@yahoo.co.in

MY NAME IS CHARLES -TAYLOR. I AM THE FORMER PRESIDENT
OF LIBERIA.I WAS FORCED TO RESIGN AS THE PRESIDENT OF
LIBERIA IN WEST- AFRICA BY THE UNITED NATIONS /
INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITIES WHICH WAS SPEARHEADED BY THE
AMERICAN PRESIDENT, MR. GEORGE - BUSH.PRESENTLY I AM
IN EXILE IN CALABAR - NIGERIA WHERE I AM STAYING UNDER
CLOSE WATCH BY THE NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT WHO KINDLY
OFFERED ME ASYLUM.

I NEED TO TRANSFER WHAT I CALL, MY FUTURE HOPE, THE
SUM OF EIGHTY TWO MILLION DOLLARS [USD 18,5m]
WHICH IS WITH A SECURITY/FINANCE COMPANY INTO YOUR
POSSESSION OR ANY ACCOUNT THAT YOU CAN GET FOR ME OR
NEW BANK ACCOUNT WITH LITTLE OR NO MONEY IN THERE. I
AM BEING MONITORED AND I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE CHANCES.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, MY COMMUNICATION AND MOVEMENTS
ARE UNDER STRICT URVEILLANCE THEREFORE MAKE ALL YOUR
COMMUNICATIONS TO ME THROUGH MY ATTORNEY,
BARRISTER.[U Collins] MY LAWYER WHO IS ALSO MY
CLOSE CONFIDANT WOULD BE ABLE TO ESTABLISH AN
INVESTMENT WITH YOUR ASSISTANCE ON MY BEHALF UNTIL I
COME OUT OF MY TRAVAIL AND TORMENTORS.
YOU CAN GO THROUGH THIS WEBSITE TO SEE MY DETAILS:
http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/africa/liberia/taylor-bio.html
PLEASE I AM PROMISING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY GOOD SHARE
THE FUNDS IF YOU CAN QUITELY GET THIS FUND OUT INTO
YOUR ACCOUNT. I WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOUR RESPONSE.
YOURS TRULY,

CHARLES TAYLOR.
EX- PRESIDENT OF LIBERIA
PLEASE, THIS IS AN APPEAL TO BE KEPT SECRET BETWEEN
YOU AND MY CLIENT(MR. CHARLES TAYLOR) I WILL FORWARD
TO YOU INFORMATION ABOUT THE SECRURITY AND FINANCE
COMPANY THAT IS IN CUSTODY OF THE MONEY.KINDLY REPLY
TO ME.

THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.
BARRISTER U COLLINS.
EMAIL: collins_u33@yahoo.co.in

I just.

2005-08-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

*sigh.

I feel like there are plenty of things to talk about, but by the time I get to my computer I am too tired. The bookstore job? Love it. God provides and blesses and is truely amazing. I just want to be who He wants me to be...

Same post on xanga.

2005-08-08T01:43:00.000-07:00

I told him that he shoke my world, and it wasn't all figurative.
I turned off the air but my skin wasn't cold.
I shoke from within, until the conversation had an end.

Daniel said hello to me tonight. Said he had been praying my summer would be amazing. Somehow that has never seemed right. I told him God was using him talking to me to free me from that shake. He said, after first asking, he knew what that meant and goodbye. My shaking stopped, the intruder gone.

With my steady breath and still body...I think it worked. God has broken the beak through the egg shell, and now that I know there is fresh air on the other side, and that God can break through its tough layer (most importantly), whenever the world of mine starts to tremble I can call upon His awesome strength to help me through it.

God, I release these feelings of fear and discomfort to you. I pray that you would take the power I have given them over me, and break it. I lift these up to you in Jesus' mighty name. Thank you for setting me free from bondage. Please forgive me for allowing things not of you to control me. I release the control back into your hands. Amen.

Eight Dollar Ride

2005-08-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

I feel so bitter.

Small town, small carnival, small prices right? Not when St. Mary puts it on. Man do they like to put money into the church, and who knows where it goes. As we were happy to leave the ticket attendant to her boy friend, we left the booth unhappy to be out of ten dollars, only to be replaced with ten tickets. We spotted the egg scrambler, now labeled The Inferno, and got in line. No sign was posted, but as we attempted to settle our debts with the ride conductor, we ended up with two tickets in our pocket and the task of entering the car without giving everyone a show, both of us being in skirts. Of course, we found courage as just before we entered, two girls in miniskirts made their way out of a car in clean fashion. The ride was full of thrusting this way and that, which made for a lot of laughs. The best part was, we stood out like a sore thumb in the whole carnival. So the bitterness comes from the miniscuel problem of paying four dollars each for one ride, which can be overshadowed by the fun thrusting motion the ride created as I attempted not to crush Brandi.

I keep coming back

2005-08-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

to this page in my browser. Staring at me, ready for me to write a new post. I have been through some 20 different pages on the internet, and I continued to skip past this one. So here I am, at last, writing my post. In my mind I am exploring the world of dating and what it means to date and not date; I am reflecting on the peace I have with being home and the blessing God has bestowed upon me in the form of my friendship with Brandi; my mind finishes the circle of thoughts with friendships that are being developed. The growth I knew would come this upcoming semester, and was so excited for last semester, is going to be amazing. I was looking so far ahead of things I didn't realize that God would do so much work in all of us this summer, and even before we left school. For those who are coming back and don't think that there has been much change at all, I know God will use all of the changes He has made in the hearts of His children to work for His glory, and inspire growth in the hearts of those who haven't. Plus, now I know more that the growing this year is going to be even greater because of the growth that has happened while we were apart.
The most important thing I have to say here is, God doesn't want that growth to go to waste, and He is in want of others who haven't yet taken the steps to change, to change, and we can help those struggling to take those steps. My heart is heavy for those around us who we can help as they too are a part of the body of Christ, yet many times we have let them slide back down the mound of thick mud they have to walk over.

Hehe

2005-08-01T22:33:00.000-07:00

Why am I still watching TV? No idea. It is such a mind wasting thing. I stuck a pencil in my hair, found it a bit later and couldn't (okay still can't) remember doing it, here I am all closed out of the registration windows and I am still thinking that I am working on it and looking through classes. TV is off, no more for the night thank you. The show I watch in the mornings is even turning for the worst as they advertised it as day time drama today. This is why my dad continues to mention setting up the computer in the TV's place. He claims it is merely a filler at the moment, and only watches it while he eats.

Okay, so enough about the TV. I haven't written much in a long while, and I haven't read much in a long while. I was so estatic over receiving an email from my friend in South Africa that I cried out with tears of joy to the Lord. I got to give Him all of the glory, and it felt great. While in Africa, Ricky, a leader of our group that had left for home with his friend who got a call telling him his mother had passed away, surprised us all by returning the last week. When I saw him, I dropped my stuff and screamed. I couldn't believe he was back, and I had no idea until then how much I had missed him-not to mention the fact that he was an answer to so many prayers as he came on the most difficult day of the entire trip. I started crying, but I held back the glory for God. Words of praise were filling my mouth to the point of bursting, but I held my tongue. For some reason, I believe I did it because I did not want to over shadow Ricky's return; Ricky's welcome back and showering of love. I couldn't believe I did it, but I know that it was God who revealed that to me, telling me I needed to change. So today, being so happy and not holding back those words of praise that filled my mouth was amazing. I thank Him for letting me give Him all the glory. It is His to have. I can't hold back what is His, and He is teaching me how to let go.

Bambelela is a song in I believe Suswati, or however you spell it, but in english it is:
Hold on to Jesus, Hold on to Jesus x2
Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on to Jesus x4

Night all, and may you give Him what is His today, tomorrow, and for all of your days.

Sad day

2005-07-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

Still can't see my new posts on my blog, nor a few comments I made in various places. This is beginning to be a llamma (two m's or one?) face situation. Well, I hope, and so does my dad, to be back home by tonight. It will not be long after that that I will get my computer back. I plan to see about holding off a few days before I get it back though, because I have a lot of things to take care of before I enter the world of computers and internet. Alright I am out, can't tie up the phone line forever in the middle of the day. Lots of love and God's blessings. Talk to you all soon eh?
~J

Bambelela

2005-07-29T01:29:00.000-07:00

Bambelela Bambelela, Bambelela Bambelela x2 // eJsus Bambelela, Bambelela x4

I'm Back

2005-07-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

But like I would try and tell all of my stories in blogger. I was so sad to leave, and am planning on going back as soon as God allows me to. My heart was broken like never before the night we left. I will be home home by this weekend; for now I am staying in LA at my aunts. Catch you all later~ Jace

Well

2005-06-22T08:35:00.000-07:00

It is 8:30. I have not awaken at this hour in a while. Seeing as how there was a phone to wake me up today, instead of waking up on my own, it is a different feeling than had waking up yesterday with even four and a half hours of sleep. I do remember having a rather strange dream. Had my grandma not called, a memory of it in more specific detail may be in place, but none but the lingering feeling of strange crosses the brain. My grandma informs me she has been calling every half an hour since six this morning. I found myself almost happy that she had only just gotten ahold of me.

I have no memory of what was being done last night before sleep came. There is no memory of making a point to go to sleep, or ending everything to go to sleep. Sadly printing papers and getting ready for the day calls.

Question of the month:

What's your question? :-)

Well, this might be it

2005-06-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

I don't want this post to be long, but I cannot make any promises. I will be leaving Saturday and am giving my computer to Brandi, so she can work on summer assignments while I am gone, tomorrow morning some time before she leaves on a camping trip. Who knows, I may find myself getting rather close to the library in the next two days...at least to check my email for DFA updates. Being gone with no computer is one thing, but being home is very different... I might have to buy another book.

I must say I was pleasantly surprised with the Kutless album. It is filled to the brim with great worship songs. Some of them are songs that I either have only okay versions of, or do not have at all, that made me happy. I know there is a possibility of me overplaying the two top songs on Nichole and Krystal's albums.

Thinking about the trip ahead of me, parrallels quite nicely to the dizzy feeling that passed not too long ago. My feelings are in a whirl, and I do not know which are up and which are down. They are all equally pushed into one tight twist, spinning at a rapid pace so as not to let me make any one clear, not seeing much of where one starts and the other ends. I have no worry in that though, for my God has promised good. His glory will be evident in this trip, for that is its purpose. I have a bright dream in my heart for change and impact.

One thing that stood out to me last night for the first time is that God is softening my heart. I can now see a purpose, a change, and a general end point of things. The softening is preparation for what is to come in my life. I know it will take time, but I know the end is good, and I am thankful for His patience.

2005-06-21T03:47:00.000-07:00

My heart was crushed to hear of your response.
I will not contact you again.
Now with a new heart, I ask my Father if you know Him.
What is it that really happened when I sent that letter?
I know He had a plan, did I follow it?
Am I never to connect with you again,
Or is the side of my heart that tells me to say a simple, "I'm sorry,"
Something from my Father, and not of a fool?
I shall surrender to Him, and wait for His instruction.
For He is wise.
He knows you, and if we are to meet in heaven alone,
Only He knows.
I will pray,
Into my Father's light from my darkness
That if he has not adopted yet another beautiful child
That you could be next.

Shopping

2005-06-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I spent some money today. I think it was a good way to spend the money though. I ended the day with five CD's, including one that was free, three books, one trowel, one pair of gardening gloves, ten rolls of film, and a happy me filled with two scoops of ice cream: chocolate brownie and cookies & cream. Each CD has a song that I have heard before, and have been moved by. I was happy to cut down my list of wanted CDs by half, and supply myself with music that will help me through the trip to Africa and days to come. I decided against purchasing the next book in a series I have been reading through, backwards at that... because I realized that it wasn't the type of book that would be great to take on a trip like this. It isn't just a camping trip, and though I know I will not be able to read some books I have that were recommended by my professors, I knew I couldn't bring straight Fiction.

So, instead I purchased two books that I found to be in the middle, or at least in my range of books my mind will take in: Keeping a Princess Heart: In a Not-So-Fairy-Tale World by Nicole Johnson, and a book that I believe Gina has read in the recent past, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John & Stasi Eldredge.

The CDs that I am currently adding to my collection are: Bebo Norman : Try; Nichole Nordeman : Brave; Kutless : Strong Tower; Krystal Meyers : (not sure of the album title); and the 2005 Simply Great Music album.

My wish

2005-06-20T01:44:00.000-07:00

Want to know a wish of mine that I have had for quite some time now? My wish is to remove the word "I" from my vocabulary. At least my common use vocabulary. The wish includes the use of "My" and "Me" when not referring to gratitude I have for someone else.

**Underlying wish:
To feel okay with ending my internal struggle with being selfish, because even if people tell me I am not, I feel that reminding myelf that is being *dangerously* uplifting, for lack of better words. Because I even find this post to be selfish.

On, for once, a connected note: I wonder how many people struggle with being humble, and not bashing themselves at the same time.

Update times four

2005-06-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

It has been a while, I think that is good though. I was going crazy, as noted in previous post(s), and now I am much better as far as I can tell.

Most of Friday and all of Saturday was spent preparing for/enjoying my Uncle's wedding. Friday we set up all of the tables, chairs, and hanging lanterns for the reception. I was already a bit tired by then, but went back out that night to get a list of things that needed to be done, and spend the night two doors down at my grandma's so I could get up early and go right to work. I went to bed around 2am, because I did a lot of winding down, getting ready for the next day so I wouldn't have to get ready as much then, and reading. I was glad I did, because I was privilaged to have my uncle come and talk to me the way he did, and to overhear him talking to his brother-in-law (my other uncle of course), about deeper things that I have never heard him talk about before. I ended up waking around 6:45, and found it was freezing! By 8, a very very very helpful friend whom I have not spoken to since I graduated, and he just recently graduated this year, arrived and we both set out to get to work. Thank you ever so much Daniel!!!! Not that you will ever read this, but I am so thankful for your willingness to come, regardless of how awkward it was. I was so excited to have him there, his attitude and way of going about things is so great. As he said, I would do it for him-no second thoughts about it.

To move on, we got all of the table cloths, wine glasses, and napkins set out by the time he had to leave, just as Brandi, (who had helped out big time the night before as well, thank you thank you thankkkkkkk yoooouuuu!) arrived. *God's perfect timing. Brandi and I continued to work throughout the day and as the time for the wedding at the church approached, I made the decision that I was going to stay there and make sure that everything was set and ready to go and ask my grandma to watch Katy (one of the three flower girls, my uncle-the one who got married's daughter *almost 3, who I was in charge of for the day), and shared my decision with her.

You see, as I thought about it, I realized I had seen all that I needed to see at the rehersal. They are in love with each other, they are taking a step in the right direction, and my uncle revealed a deeper side to him that I always had a feeling was there.

So, with that said, Brandi stayed to help until it was time for me to get dressed for the reception. Being the system-oriented person I am, I found it hard to relinquish my reception-set up and keep up-duties, and hand them over to the staff when they arrived for the night, but I did, and took over my position as mom on hand for Katy, Katy-watch as I called it, for the rest of the night. Brandi surprised me by arriving at the reception later that evening, and what a wonderful surprise that I am so thankful for it was! I was so happy to see her. What adventures I had with Katy and the girls that stuck to her side like something both stretchy and sticky. Dinner was a wonder, she spilled a few things down her dress, luckily they were not too colored or noticible, and had a bit of a mess going, but all was great and under control. I loved it when both her and a friend around the same age decided to drink their juice boxes out of the champaigne glasses, and her friend looked to her and said, "Cheers," and they clicked glasses. The night was filled with a little over twelve small children slipping and slidding,running around and around the dance floor. By the time Brandi arrived, they were all seated on the dance floor spilling their bags of candy out to find what they liked as the toasts were made, and when dancing kicked in again, Brandi and I found ourselves with the two younger flower girls (Katy and Jasmine) in our arms, dancing the night away. It was around then, when I put Katy down for a bit, that I found Jenn (the bride) returning her to me, as she was done dancing with her and it was my job to keep her occupied and away from her. (It sounds much worse than it really was, but as I pulled Katy away from her mom, walked her to a house next door, and kept her from leaving, I realized how hard and messed up things are when children are born before the parents are married.) Katy cried for ten-fifteen minutes non stop for her mother, and I couldn't let her go. I began to cry as I prayed to God to help her. She inched her way into my lap and told me that her mommy loved her, I blew cool air on her as she began to, at last, fall asleep in my arms.

I realized learned a lot about love that night, and a bit the day before, as I walked ever so slowly back to my grandma's house with her in my arms. I made a list, most tying in with memories from the reception, but some from thoughts stemming from the making of the list:

Love is...
Love is working hard on the little things
Love is caressing The Other's hand when it's only the rehersal
Love is saying the words one somehow fears the most
Love is taking that first step as husband and wife, and never turning back
Love is facing your fears and sharing your words for those you love
Love is never ceasing to look at each other when everyone else is looking at you
Love is stealing kisses before the dance is over
Love is sharing a laugh together, over and over again
Love is never ceasing your tears for the one you love when the one you love cannot be there to hold you
Love is giving, it is never wanting, except for the best for one another
Love is good times...and bad
Love is supporting, even if everyone else is against
Love is accepting the good with the bad, knowing the difference between the two, and encouraging change and growth.
And words of wisdom inspired by our Father
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. ~1 Cor. 13:4-8

I am a bit tired, more sore, but as I listen to music, I find once again the impact it has on me is indescribible. I find the overwhelming urge to fall into my Father's arms and allow Him to hold me tight. I went to church and they had a few elders come up and pray for my trip to Africa. My dad went with me today, I was happy, and I think he was too. God is working in his life, and it is very clear. He came up front as they prayed for me. We then went to my grandma's for breakfast-really almost a late lunch haha, but good times and happy days. I came home to sleep, and here I am, over an hour into writing this post.

Did you know that being bold is contageous (sp?)? If you take the chance to be bold, those that see it will find that they are more easily able to find it within them to step out as well. Trust that if you are doing the right thing, and you feel like you are the only one, you won't be for long.

I am off, because feeling and being in love like this leaves me with wanting to stop sitting, and move...run. Night all-and may you see God's love today.

Friends...

2005-06-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

Maybe we should pull our money together and build a retirement home for the lobby crew...what do you think Friend?

Broken in thought

2005-06-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 5:30 this morning. I went back to sleep...and woke up at 5:38. Around six hours of sleep and my body wanted no more.

I have had things running through my head since yesterday morning, but I couldn't write about them. What may have been fear or claustrophobia, swept over me and made it difficult for me to live inside my head last night, that is the only reason I did not stay online last night and instead went to sleep. I find that "living inside my head" includes posting, reading, writing, and simply thinking. Though some comments are made on blogs, it is less response than I would get in an aim conversation or email, in all cases I am merely writing what is in my head-besides laughing during aim conversations, there is no verbal communication. All this to say, it was hard for me to do that last night, and the feeling still lingers in my mind today as I continue to string words together in my mind.

Yesterday, as I drove past a friend's house for the upteenth time, I thought about the fact that he is driving now, and hardly stays home any more. My mind shifted to another friend, who got her license and began to shift away from what had become normal activities. I looked at myself, and, though I have always gone out, I believe I began to do a lot more of it when I got a car. Obviously driving gives one more opportunity, more freedom, and more responsibility. It seems like it marks something a bit deeper though, it marks the furthering of separation from parents, the furthering of independence. No longer is the child in need of the parent's taxi services, which there by means the child is no longer in need of the parent's accompaniment. The child is now able to make more decisions on what he/she wants to do. For example, the female friend mentioned above, was pushed to go to church with her family all of her life; when she began to drive, however, she stopped going with her family. The male friend mentioned above, no longer needs his mother to take him to events, or to rely on her to pick him up. With the responsibility part of driving, besides the obvious, the parents are now able to rely on the child to help out more. Along with picking up or taxiing siblings, the child is also employed to run errands or help out at the family business across town. Though responsibility ties the child to the home, the driver's license loosens the grip.

What is it with Americans believing we are so ready to leave the home? Is it the broken society? The average broken home?

A piece of honesty:
I have been thinking about the discussions that have gone on about Codes of Honor, Christian Masculinity, Chivalry, and similar things with myself, Jason, Curtis, and Matt, (Look I did a link! Now, did I do it right?) in combination with reading the book I am currently into and evaluating my interactions with people, and I have found that my thoughts on male/female relationships have drawn me away from focus on the female/female relationships in my life. I have begun to contrast and spend more time focusing on developing the right heart to have with people like my dad, and if any, minimal time focusing on developing the right heart to have with people like Brandi. The time was/is well spent, as I find that my relationship with my dad, as I learn to honor and respect him, has grown to be a wonderful and uplifting one, but I have found that in turn, with such focus on male/female relationships coming from the discussions and the book, I have mistakenly turned away, or shifted heavily, my focus on developing my other relationships. I have found myself troubled when coming to this realization. So, to turn it around, and restore the balance, I am going to slow down the reading of my book, it is nothing against the book, as in reality it is a book towards developing something rather important, femininity, but I think reading it with less speed will not only help me spend a bit less time focused in the direction the book is leading, but will also help me think more thoroughly about the content. Also, I plan on attempting to just be more aware of how I am and developing with friends, people like Brandi. I love being a female, and I love sharing that experience with other females, and learn how to genuinly become a better person.

The real scoop:
If there is one thing, and there is many more than one, that I have learned while at Biola, it is the importance of male/male and female/female relationships. My own experiences on top of listening to others has helped me to appreciate and focus on developing such relationships myself, and encourage others to do the same. There are things that can be given in those relationships that cannot come by any other.

Chipmunks,

2005-06-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

They are cute, no? Honestly, I do not think I have much to write about, I am going today with Brandi so she can turn in applications. I woke up a little after nine today, well decided to get out of bed, it was nice. I had some strange dreams, almost making me feel as though I was in high school attending a college seminar on some book. Then I was cleaning up the area and picking up some really small, extra-tiny Christmas decorations-hardly the size of my pinky nail, but in perfect condition and detail, all the while holding every single thing I picked up in one hand-big or small without dropping a thing, pretty impressive. Okay so anyway, sorry to waste some time of yours-I am out. My next post will be thoughful and of meaning, promise. Now that I promise, I may not post for a while, but I will live up to that promise. :-). Have a great day!

Writing fever

2005-06-15T00:46:00.000-07:00

Well, today I arose from my bed at 10, for the second or third time this week. It is nice, and I am not getting more than 9 hours of sleep, but yeah...I feel a bit lazy. Eh. I began to write letters and in the end, I wrote 12. Some of you may be receiving some mail this week. I have two more I want to write. One, I am in the process of thinking of what I want to say, and the other, I am sort of waiting for a reply to the one I already sent. So, with that done, I began to make a card for my granny's birthday. That was fun, glue is sticky though, almost as sticky as frozen yogurt from the carton at 10:30pm on the back of a truck with two girls. Good times. I got dressed up a bit after I made the card, cause you see-we hadn't made plans, but I was sure that if we went by, and they were actually there, then we would catch them just in time for dinner and there was a 70% chance they would ask us to come along. My dad, on the other hand, didn't see it coming, quite alright though, we had the perfect amount of time to swing back by home when they did end up inviting us to dinner. We went to Edo Ya's, a Japanese restaraunt. It was so good. I had some sort of Japanese terriaki chicken, their egg rolls were amazing-they had cheese and a few veggies, not all of the sprouts and cabbage chinese ones have. It was really good. The sesame seed salad dressing on their salad was okay. The soup? Both my granny and I passed, but my dad and grandpa finished theirs. They gave me a lot of chicken, and it was really good chicken too, so I took it home. To top the meal off they gave us the most white vanilla soft serve I have ever seen. Mmmm. So yummy. I don't think I get how much of my day was really spent writing, but I think it was a good day. I don't like waking up at ten, it feels as though half the day is over-even if my day lasts until 1am. I am already feeling antsy about tomorrow-split between wanting to sleep and wanting to wake up and move move move. I only have a relaxing two people on my list tomorrow-but it may prove to be a busy day. Blah.
Alright I am out, I have four other things on my mind to do and I know I might not even end up doing one, but I want to give myself a chance.

It's the end of the day as we know it...

2005-06-14T00:09:00.000-07:00

Anyone's mind fill up with a song?
Any how. It was a good day. I woke up around 10, at last. Then I was confronted with my name for the day-Brandi, who showed up at my door step (something I figured she might do) when she could not reach me by phone..due to me being online :-). So, I got ready for the day in great time, shower and everything. We, along with a young girl just going into 7th grade named Taylor, went to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It was good, of course, not a guy in the theatre. We shed some tears.

We had our laughs today too, as we always do, and hopefully always will. Though the ride over to 'Bucks (Starbucks that is), wasn't filled with that many smiles, by the time we walked into the door we just had to laugh. A friend taking our order asked if we were sisters, or best friends, or something because he always saw us laughing and smiling and together. We read a bit there, tried their new Malts, which really do taste like you are eating whoppers-and we tried the strawberries and cream one, then headed over to a park to lay out a blanket, which ended up being wrapped around us because we were wearing summer clothes from the day and were located about 18-20 feet under road level at 9:30-a bit cool(the park dips down with a sidewalk circling it-I can't explain it much), and watch the stars for a while. It was great. Peaceful when we didn't talk, and good when we did.

I think I am going to wait until I read some more to post some thoughts on Hammond's book I am currently reading. She brings up some interesting points of view. I read them, point them out to myself, then think about reading them over again a couple times to make sure I remember what it is she is trying to say.

I'm too lazy to send a bubbs right now, so C-I got yours, cool deal and happy to hear it.

Underground Internet

2005-06-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

So, my mom asked me if I had ever heard of underground internet. I had never heard of it. I googled it, but I am not thinking that the results are connected completely to what she is talking about, but they may just be exactly what she means. The only other thing she said was that it is supposed to be a lot faster than normal internet-so going on that to connect with the results, I concluded that I had no idea what she was talking about.

I found some things about in a sense under the table file sharing, Darknets,
and this tidbit I found a bit funny from: http://carolinanewswire.com/news
titled:
The Underground Internet: Commercialization Now Targets Blogville and Weblogs
05-20-2004

..."Along the way, blogs and weblogs have raised their heads, first as places for Web explorers to provide links to websites they care about and then as diaries for people who think they have something to say. In the United States and elsewhere this has created a vast underground society of interchange that has far different things to express than all our official channels of communication. Now, inevitably, commerce has pushed into the blog world, with AOL and others trying to connect with bloggers, and some companies using weblogs as a means of building internal communication.

We are not sure whether Blogville is good or bad. The weblogs do get a lot of people talking to or at each other. But the prose in them is usually pretty undisciplined, often nattering on to no purpose. The freedom is wonderful in theory, but it does lead to an awful lot of drivel. Yet we find ourselves quite interested in them, because we think they create an atmosphere where intuition and creativity can run rampant, that condition which is the sine qua non of America’s future.

And they further an era, begun by the Xerox machine, where personal, one-on-one communication is shoved aside, since every writer on the Net is talking to an assorted community or to the whole world. Blogs are groupthink, make no mistake about it. The blogger, sometimes a lonely person on the prowl, has given up personal intimacy and letter writing, hoping that anybody, preferably many bodies, will catch hold of his messages. This is not prose about “thee” and “me.”"

Sounds a bit like an "adult" with no clue in some respects-though I am sure it has some accuracy. Other than that, not much about some great speed internet. Any one have a clue?

Thoughts on Hammond

2005-06-12T01:07:00.000-07:00

I think reading her book brings a point to my mind. Man and woman did things in response to one another. After the fall, responding in the right way became much more difficult. Men shouldn't, and I hope this is clearly stated for those who actually thought it was this way, do all of the work of acting right. There is a right way for women to act as well. There is always a fight in society on who should be the first one to move. Who should be the first one to make the right move. I love how the tables turn in the minds of women who are against being treated special when they are comfronted with the idea of treating them with respect. Instead of focussing on growing in the right, and maturing, one embraces the insecurities set around them and focuses on the other person. Focuses on the outer, leaning on it to change the inner, instead of the other way around. Not that they necessarily need one, or don't already have one, but why don't women step up and give the men a reason to cherrish them? Why can't both women and men work together at treating each other right, instead of waiting for the other to give them a reason to-or to deserve it. Once they do give a reason, will we ask ourselves if that is enough? Will we tell ourselves that is not good enough, and end up expecting more?

Just a bit more from Hammond...

2005-06-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

Then a quote from Matthew Henry.

"And so Eve stretched in the morning sun, carefully studying Adam, tracing the place beneath his rib from where God had taken her. He was something for her to behold, as she was something to see him. He was soft, yet strong. He was like her, yet different. His voice was deep and resonant in her ears, different from all the other sounds her ears were frowing accustomed to in the garden. His voice, in comparison to the sounds of the creatures surrounding them, produced a unique reaction within her. It caused a fluttering deep in the pit of her stomach. When he touched her skin, she felt warmth flush through her entire being that magnified the coolness of the wind. She felt safe in his nearness. And how he cared for her! From the moment he saw her, he never ceased to make her feel cherished. He reveled in her beauty, celebrated her gentility, and gloried in her wonder of him. In the midst of their paradise, he taught her things, of creation and of God.
To Adam, Eve was a wonder to consider-the most incredible of all God's creations. She was so soft, so warm. So comforting and nurturing and giving. She made him feel like a king. All he wanted to do was protect her and give her everything her heart desired. Her voice caressed him, her touch created feelings in him that were indescribable, and she had the most interesting way of looking at things! She reintroduced him to wonders that had grown commonplace in their familiarity. How could he have overlooked them before? She was right! The colors in a butterfly's wings were unlike any other hue. Often he foun himself standing in silent observance of her, watching the way she moved, the tilt of her head when she listened to a bird sing. The sound of her laughter was music to him, and he wondered how he had ever existed without her. Breathing thanks to God for such a marvelous gift he rejoined his beautiful wife."

Matthew Henry:
"If man is the head, she (woman) is the crown, a crown to her husband, the crown of the visible creation. The man was dust refined, but the woman was double-refined, one remove further from the earth...The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved."

So, I have decided to quote.

2005-06-12T00:17:00.000-07:00

I have decided to post a tid bit of the book I am reading currently. For once, I have found things that I do not agree with in a book, and have questioned a few things-I feel like I have actually learned and grown some in college. That is not what I am posting though. I am posting the things that made me think, just not in such a disagreeing way.

**Before I begin, most random side note ever- have you ever experienced waking up with the taste of honey teddy grahams in your mouth? I was taking a long-very often interrupted nap/rest today and I got rather hungry so I pulled out some teddy grahams. It was interesting waking up with the flavor in my mouth, not really remembering I had eaten them.

Michelle McKinney Hammond
"Like a phoenix rising
she rose in slow motion
with the earth reluctant
to release her
pungent with its
musky scent
soft and molded
resembling earth
with its mountains
and its valleys
crests and peaks
she rose
silently
hesitatnly
gaining her footing
steadying herself on
long slim legs
that were yet unsure
of standing...
she rose and stood
breathing in the air
God had breathed into her
feeling her soul unfold its wings within her...
the early dusk
reflected highlights of deep amber
red
and golden brown
upon her skin
as the earth from which she had been formed
damp and moist
still clung insistently
to her limbs
she rose
she stood
she waited...
waited until he arose
this man
this setting from which she had been taken
even now she felt the phantom remains
of other ribs encircling her
making her feel safe
as she awaited her discovery...
bone of his bone
flesh of his flesh
yet a separate entity
she breathed in harmony with him
feeling his pulse
hearing his heartbeat in her head
she was one with him
though outside of him
and when he awoke he knew
instinctively
profoundly
and definitely knew
that this was woman
a mirror of himself
the extension of his own arms
and so he wrapped himself around her
tucking her beneath his heart
to keep her warm
and the two became one
balancing the weight of life between them
and in the face of every tempest
she arose
in his strength which had become hers
and hers his
she arose to redefine him daily
as a glorious testamen
of all that was beautiful
all that was pure
and all that was good
she arose to embrace the origin
of who she was
who she would always be
woman
taken from man
from the earth
the signature of God
completing the sentence that man had begun
bringing him to life
carrying the breath of His spirit within her...
the glory of her man
the covering of her children
the giver of life
she could not be contained
for she bore all things within herself
and in this capacity
she arose to give
as only a woman can give
for it is a gift to the world
this creation called woman...

Hehe, I love Tarzan

2005-06-11T21:08:00.000-07:00

ABC 30, Tarzan-right now. Hehe. (Disney versian)

Actually, it gives a wonderful example of man and woman, together. The way Tarzan treats Jane, before he even really knows who, or what she is. He knows that she is like him, because of the beat of her heart. He appreciates her, right off the bat. He doesn't rule over her, he leads her. He protects her, he cherishes her. He is her partner, her other half.

On another note, I think I am in love with summer. I have never felt so good in this season. I used to watch movies that are set in summer time, and read books about people out on their porch in the summer time, enjoying the summer night's air, slowing down. I feel like I have wanted to feel for years. *sigh, God is good.

Ha, I don't even know what to write

2005-06-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

Oh! I have a question! Brandi wanted me to ask why boys like to pick girls up. Brad always tells her that he can pick her up, despite her telling him that he cannot, and he will not. She was wondering if you guys could possibly explain what it is about boys wanting to pick up girls. Let me know..

Long post, beware.

2005-06-11T01:22:00.000-07:00

I am going to "be an aunt!" That is a direct quote from the father, whom I am sure did not really know another way to tell me, but he gave me the title and I am keeping it. :-). I went to track down a friend from years ago, and I am soooo glad I took that chance! Plus, I got to go to the high school graduation, which I wasn't able to go to until I showed up unexpectantly at Brandi's house because it was really the only place to park in the neighborhood. Well, they had a plan to get me into the graduation so, needless to say, it followed through. So, I got to say hello to a few friends and let them know I was there. Okay, so anyhow, as I was saying...
This is going to take a lot to explain, and I want to get it all out. Stop reading now and just know that two friends of mine are having a baby, and that I came home to a newly made bed.

Tonight I decided that I was actually going to follow through with something I have been thinking about doing, tracking down some people from the past. I had a list of people, my main idea was to find someone I had dated for a good amount of time, but less than a year. You see, we started going down the wrong path together, and as I turned around, he just kept on going. I have really wanted to know if he ever turned around. I also wanted to go by and see Gus, really for the purpose of trying to connect with Josh-someone I really held high opinions of in high school. He was one of those "only guy's" that I could talk to about whatever was going on, and who had a good head on his shoulders and an active roll in the church. He was one to give good advice, guidance, support, and encouragement, while being willing to talk about what was up in his life as well. As the list fell in no particular order, the last one is Amanda, who lives in town along with Gus and Jeremy, while Josh and the ex (for some reason I just don't want to use his name-it's Travis. There, I said it-weird), lived in places I had never been to. I know, this is long, and somewhat complicated, but I told you to stop reading a while ago.
After the graduation tonight I walked over to Jeremy Byrd's house, I knew him when I was little and then again when I was in high school. He was good friends with Travis. He also was dating Amanda all through her high school years though somewhat off and on at times; she graduated with me, and him, two years before if I am not mistaken, with Josh, Gus, and Travis. Well, he opened the door (thankfully) and I just stood there smiling, giving a little wave. He smiled, laughed a little, and asked what I was doing. Then, he quickly announced, "You're going to be an aunt." I couldn't believe it, though I really could. I saw their first ultrasound and everything. Unfortunately, she wasn't home, still at work. Oh but you guys was it so good to hear him, and about what was going on in his life! God really has given me a greater appreciation for life. I was even excited about his voice! There was something there, something so welcoming and different than it had been last time I had talked to him. He is going to be a dad! It has surely brought out the best in him. We talked for a while, and when I mentioned trying to see the other people on my list, he gave me the updates I needed, and there was only one person left that I cared to visit in the end. See, it seems Jeremy has not talked to Travis in months, and he never did turn around, more sad news followed when I mentioned tracking down Gus to get ahold of Josh...Jeremy informed me that Josh had severed all ties with anyone he knew in high school and became a rather large jerk. It seems like a lot went on by the way he shook his head and stared off a bit, not saying really more than I don't need to track him down. Oh, but the best news ever! Amanda has the weekend off, and so they are going to call me tomorrow so I can come and see her! YAY!! I am sooo excited. God has opened the doors, this happened to be the only weekend I have free before I leave for Africa! Jeremy asked me at one point in the conversation if I had a break at Christmas this past year, I felt a twinge of sadness that I hadn't tried to come sooner, but you know what? God is gooood, and God is in control of things, I cannot be sad about things that I didn't do, because I am doing things now! Okay, quick thing about the bed since I have written so much already, I came home to find my room a bit less chaotic than when I left it (I had been cleaning some more today, putting things away and putting out some decorations). My bed was completely cleared off, and made with new sheets and every thing. It isn't the first time he has done it, but my dad is sure silly. He makes me happy. Okay, last thing, There was the most beautiful shade of green in the sky tonight with a brilliant crescent moon just above the stretch of the color. It was so beautiful. God is such an artist. I couldn't stop looking at it.

Knights in Shinning Armor

2005-06-11T00:39:00.000-07:00

**First of all, I have been trying to post this all day! Internet is silly.

1. The medieval system, principles, and customs of knighthood.
2.
1. The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women.
2. A manifestation of any of these qualities.
3. A group of knights or gallant gentlemen.

*Chivalry defined by the American Heritage Dictionary.

I was discussing the simple act of opening the door for a woman, and both my sister and her cousin talked about how both of the men in their lives, in one case past men, spoke of the "honey moon" being over, or the "honey moon" never having begun. I could hardly believe my ears. I never even mentioned the example of respect that I was presented in when my friend's boyfriend stands when she exits the room. Both men had used an excuse, or never even made it to showing any respect or sign of chivalry to these women. In my mind, not a good representation of the respect-worthy men I knew were out there, and I had experienced life with over the past months. Speaking from a women's point of view, I automatically want to be selfish, and believe that the women who are against chivalry are crazy. However, after taking a step back and evaluating what goes on in some of the world today, I have to step away from the extreme. Take it from me, some men take it over the top, and in the wrong direction. What they use is not chivalry however, it is only masked as it, and such ruins the name of true chivalry. What they use makes women feel wrong, manipulated. It is almost a sense that they are doing it out of wrongly backed obligation and in turn, feel the women should be obligated to feel gratitude and reward them. This is not a welcomed feeling, and I do not believe any obligation for gratitude and reward is warranted. If gratitude and reward was obligated, it would twist and distort the very idea of them. Okay, this is not to say there is not a time and place where one should be thankful, I am not by any means, saying to do away with the teaching and using of gratitude and rewards. Well, this is clearly guiding away from the point, and I will leave this for another post if one feels the need to dig in further.

The point I am trying to make is, though chivalry is under attack, it is a very good thing. I question how damaged their (my sister and her cousin) self images are distorted when they talk about being okay with not being respected. This post went to a few places I didn't expect it to extend to I have to say, but I will lead it out one more branch. I found in a high school yearbook this year, a quote from a young man I thought to be of rather good character, I was a bit disappointed with his claim. When asked a question to the likes of why men/boys think it so necessary to do things such as open the door for a women/girl and show chivalry, he replied to the likes of, "Because we want to show respect for them, and hope for maybe something in return...like a kiss." Immature, as sadly expected, coming from a high school year book. However, I found it to be a good thing to point out, it is twisted, distorted, and by no means fitting of the definition-and many people believe it! I have seen and heard of my share of people who use it as a means of getting something. I was offended for the men I know who hold the true meaning of chivalry in their minds, and saddened for the women/girls who believe in the wrong meaning. Okay, I am done. I might post more as the conversation across Jason and Matt's blog grows. I may even post rather soon about the Code of Chivalry and Courtly Love. For now, these are a few of my experiences.

I am finished

2005-06-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I finished Ice Station by Matt Reilly. Very suspenseful and actioned packed. I think I can see why Laramie would like it. I enjoyed it. I might think about buying another one of his books. I do see a trend in his writing after I read just a bit of the exerpt of another book placed in the back of Ice Station. The trend seems to be of people's heads exploding, described with unique similes and done in what I have found to be, at least three different categories of ways. Good times..

I was thinking about my answer to the question: "What has God been teaching you?"
I thought through the answers I would give, have given:
God has been teaching me that He is big, and that He is fighting for me, and that He will win;
How to keep loving others, even when it doesn't seem like they deserve it.
I would also say that He has grown within me a greater appreciation of life. I think over all though, the one thing that stood out to me today, when I thought of what I would say to such a question is, God is calling me to learn who He is. The only thing that follows that is my reply, "I don't know how." I could list off a number of ways how, that is not the problem. The problem lies under the thin layer of the initial "how" part of the solution, and is embeded in the thick, "how to" part of the solution. Read the Bible. Okay, but how? With what motivation, in which direction, with what in mind, how fast, when? Where is the passion? I have to fight to stay away from dangerous comparison. That isn't the answer.

I was so tired

2005-06-10T09:44:00.000-07:00

I finally got to the point where I felt really tired last night. It was nice. I was actually so tired I don't remember Matt saying goodnight. I never replied to him. I thought I had actually quit Adium before I disconnected, I was wrong. I am glad I made it into bed though. :-)

Hmm, I had a vacumm turn on in my head and now I do not know what I was going to talk about. So, here's a short post for you all. :-)

I don't know what to put here.

2005-06-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

I always seem to feel a twinge of sadness when I come home and my dad is already asleep. I don't know why it is always this way, but when I get home, I end up not staying home very often, and instead spend most of the hours my dad is home somewhere else. I only have two more weeks until I leave for a month, with no contact to people back home. I need to set up my insurance, a birthday get together for my granny, a dinner with my grandma, a shopping date for Africa with my aunt, hopefully get a check from my other aunt, ask my insurance for a vacation refill of my malarone so I can get my last ten pills they wouldn't fill today before I leave, buy a present for my uncle's wedding, find something to wear to that, get something together to present to the church body on my Africa trip, as they want to pray for me before I leave, set up how I am getting down to LA the 25th.

*Sigh.
Okay, I know God has a plan for me. I know God does this sort of thing all of the time. But why am I going? What can I do? I am so unprepared, so unfaithful! The doubts about the trip are not swarming in, I know I am supposed to go. The expectations are, however, being thrown out the window. I am at war with myself; battling the suffocating downward thoughts on myself. Maybe not at war with myself, but with the power of the thoughts. The power inflamed by Satan. It irks me to know how easy it is for him to blow on a small ember and burn down a forest. I am on the winning side. God will triumph, and I will be beside myself with excitement when that day comes. I was thinking about that battle, and how great it will be when it is over, I couldn't help but get excited. It is exciting to know that God will be there to defeat Satan, and we will serve Him forever more.

The Men in my life.

2005-06-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

They may be young, they may be old, but they have one thing in common, they are awesome, and have God working through them in amazing ways. Personally, I don't know where I would be without God having put them in my life. Dave, Curtis, Jason, Matt, Timothy, Mike, Scott; God surprised me this semester. I would have never guessed to be friends with people like them. People who are willing to take time to ask you questions and help you think through things when you just don't know what you believe; people who share their experiences so openly; people who let you know they have been there before and found their way through; people who listen to you talk about everything, even if they have only known you for a week, and still listen to you six months later; people who say what you need to hear, right when you need to hear it; people who stick around, no matter how crazy you get; people who stick by your side and walk you through the tough stuff of life. Thank you guys, for choosing to be there.

God, you have brought me to praise and worship of Your holy name because of who you are. You have shown me love through them; shown me grace; shown me friendship and light. You have given me a greater appreciation of men because of them, and you have shown me good things through them. You have revealed Yourself to me through them. You have given me a greater appreciation for You and for the life you have given me through them. You have given me a greater appreciation for myself through them. Thank you my God, my King for them, the men in my life. They have shown me your ways when I was lost, and you have blessed my life with them. You have given me the greatest joy that fills me each time they come around. You have given me peace, given me comfort through them. God I thank you for the time you have given me with them. Blessed be Your name. Oh Lord do not let me forget the lessons you have taught me, do not let me forget the blessings you have given. Let not such sweet memories slip from my mind. Lord I pray that you would bless them. Fill their days with Your joy, Your peace, Your love. Thank you for them, thank you for you.
~Amen.

I am a wreck

2005-06-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

After hearing about Gina and the car accident, I lost it. I couldn't keep the tears in. It wasn't a sobbing river of tears, and it didn't last long, but it was enough. I got to talk to her a bit though, which made me realize even more that I miss her, and how much I miss people from school. Now here I am, doing the common psychological thing of turning to food for comfort, stuffing my face with rice cakes, cinnamon teddy grahams, and thinking about getting the ice cream out, because as I learned at school with the girls, ice cream always makes you feel better. I don't think I will though, after that rice cake I don't think I really want anything else but water. *Sigh. I never notice when I am getting stressed, only that I am stressed, and only that when I am half way through the stress. God is good, very good. He is amazing, my hero. I think I am going to follow in Jason's footsteps and read. The only thing is, I should make another phone call before I start. *sigh. Maybe two, but as soon as I wrote that I am deciding against it. Alright I am out.

Hearing this song makes my heart cry out

2005-06-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

Oooooo...
It's well past midnight
And I'm awake with questions that won't
Wait for daylight
Separating fact from my imaginary fiction
On this shelf of my conviction
I need to find a place
Where You and I come face to face
Thomas needed
Proof that You had really risen
Undefeated
When he placed his fingers
Where the nails once broke Your skin
Did his faith finally begin?
I've lied if I've denied
The common ground I've shared with him

And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day
A different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

Nicodemus
Could not understand how You could
Truly free us
He struggled with the image
Of a grown man born again
We might have been good friends
Cuz sometimes I still question, too
How easily we come to You

But I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day
A different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

No more camping on the porch of indecision
No more sleeping under stars of apathy
And it might be easier to dream
But dreamin's not for me

And I, I really want to know You
I want to make each day
A different way that I can show You how
I really want to love You
Be patient with my doubt
I'm just tryin' to figure out Your will
And I really want to know You still

I want to know you, I really want to know you
Hey yeah, yeah
I really want to know you, I really want to know you,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

*Nichole Nordeman

I am tired.

2005-06-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

I think I am tired of people. The only problem with that is, I love people too much to continue being tired of them. So, I am stuck. God is working on me as I write though. He is clearing my head of the pressure, and lifting my spirits. Lifting the haze set in front of my eyes. I will go, I will serve. I will go, I will do the things I need to do.

I am a very system oriented person, I have gotten better as I have grown, but I never have let it go. If you give me a system, I will follow it and until I learn it very well and find something that will make it better, in even the smallest degree, I will not let myself or any other person violate the system. To give an example I always give, years ago playing with someone younger than I in Hi-Ho-Cherrios, the playmate attempted to violate the stated rules and alter them to his own, I wouldn't allow it. I know he was younger, but there was a system to be followed and I was going to follow it, and he was going to have to as well. I have grown to realize more that there are acceptions, and that people have their own individual systems to follow, which may be very different and even sometimes contradictory to my own. I bring this up, because of the aspect of stubornness. Today I went to check on a prescription my doctor's assistants told me they would fax to Savemart. They told me this in the context of trying to figure out where I usually take my prescriptions, something I didn't know, and trying to figure out what other immunizations they needed to get for me, so they told me they would send the prescription that they had to Savemart, and I consented. The rest of the conversation consisted of me discussing with them whether or not they were going to order the typhoid shot that needed to be taken with the Hep.A. shot. I told them I would call about that and get back to them. I show up at Savemart to check and see about my prescription, and there is nothing there for me. They call the doctor's office and tell me that the doctor's asistants thought I was going to pick it up, and that now they are going to fax it because they got the phone call. My first instinct was to tell them how wrong they were when I went to talk to them. To tell them how they told me they would fax it in, and at no point did I tell them I would come and pick that up. It is so hard not to argue with the people who think they are right, but they are in reality wrong, and it is something that can never really be proven because every one sees a different side of things. I once argued with someone over the possibility that he was wrong in believing I had never said something and that I could have said something he simply did not hear. I thought it over today, and I think I do not want to argue with them over something like this. I don't think it is going to get anywhere good, nor is it going to be helpful in any way. It is really something that doesn't matter in the long run, as it is easily fixed. What kind of a Christian would I really be showing them if I came in responding to their potential attitudes, and the attitude they have shown me before, with the exact same attitude they were giving me? Isn't the right thing to show them love? Not bitterness over something so frivilous in the span of life. Haven't I made a mistake before? Heck yes I have, plenty of them too. Why is fighting so often the choice made? Isn't knowing that there are mistakes made, life goes on, and that God loves both of us equally enough? I am a child of God. The God. The God who has power over anger, power over foolishness. I am one with the choice to fight, or show the love that was given to me by mercy and forgiveness.

So now I know.

2005-06-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

A full day in the office wears you down. I feel like I am more tired being home than I was at school, every other week except for the last of course. :-)
Any how, I went in to work at my sister's office again today, 8-5. I read a little while I was there and it was slow (for about 15 minutes or so). Ice Station is pretty good, still very suspenseful. I hit another three pages about the people I could care less about, but I will get past that quickly. I love being home today. I feel good about my decision to not go anywhere and stay here so I could spend some time with my dad. He is off doing stuff now though. Maybe later on I will end up going out or something, but for now... at least for a bit longer I am good for staying put. It is funny, once I start doing just one thing here at home, I end up doing at least three others and end up not seeing my dad for more than a total of ten minutes in the day. Okay, I am off, my sister is here now and we are going to hit the slops on the XBOX.